George Washington Carver

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George Washington Carver

Order:	2nd President
Vice President:	Martin van Buren
Term of office:	1939 B.C. – 1900 B.C.
Preceded by:	Eris Discordia
Succeeded by:	Billie Jean
Date of birth:	1864
Place of birth:	Diamond, Missouri, U.S.
Date of death:	1943
Place of death:	Tuskegee, Alabama, U.S.
First Lady:	Mr. Peanut
Political party:	Republican Party

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about George Washington Carver.

“George Washington Carver was a complete Loser”

~ Wikipedia on George Washington Carver

George Washington Carver (July 12, 1864 – January 5, 1943) is commonly remembered for discovering over 100 uses for sweet potatoes and 300 for peanuts, including peanut butter. He is also credited with single-handedly rescuing the South from cotton monoculture and inventing crop rotation. All this is Complete and Utter Bullsh*t. Seriously! Go look at the Wikipedia Article if you don't believe me. However, he was correctly identified as the inventor of doing "Nuttin'".

[edit] Early life

George Washington Carver, or "G-Sweet", was born into slavery in Missouri is 1864. Carver's mother died while he was an infant and his kindly former slave master raised him and his brother, Benedict Arnold Carver as their own children. In his infancy, he developed severe lung disease, preventing him from doing any useful physical work.

[edit] At Tuskegee

Despite being a former slave, Carver eventually developed a reputation as one of the greatest botanists of his day. This is all the more impressive considering the fact he didn't really accomplish anything ever and he lacked the people skills to be a charlatan (or a productive member of society for that matter.)

In 1896, he was hired as the head of Agricultural Department at what later would become Tuskegee University. His tenure there was both long and distinguished; by poor administration, undeserved high wages, unreasonable demands, bitching, moaning, hissy fits, and repeated resignation threats. Carver complained this his demanding teaching load barely left him time to write his weekly resignation threat and throw his daily hissy fit. His diary revealed that in 1898, he was only had time to go out drinking peanut-booze 5-6 days a week. This constant bitching and incompetence eventually took its toll on Carver's boss Booker T. Washington, (no relation) who died of stress-induced hypertension in 1915. Washington's successors, not wanting to meet the same fate, decided it was best to let Carver do what he darn welled pleased. His tenure at Tuskegee was rather uneventful, except for the one time in 1902 when a group of white citizens preventing him and one of his students from raping a white woman.

[edit] Carver Writes a Recipe Book

Carver is one of the few people to put on a U.S. stamp without accomplishing anything

The bulk of Carver's published work consists of his 44 bulletins. These were produced from 1898 to 1943, at the impressive rate of almost one per year. The first part of these bulletins consisted of cut-and-pasted information out of high school agriculture books. Following this, there were several recipes, most of which either consist of tossing peanuts in random foodstuffs or would induce vomiting. Or both in more than a few instances. Because of Carver's great fame, it was commonly believed by later historians that Carver in fact invented everything is his Most High & Mighty Bulletins , as they were later called. Carver's most famous Bulletin was his 1916 work, How to Grow the Peanut and 1,005 Ways of Preparing it for Human Consumption. A partial list of uses is as follows:

• 1. Peanut Soup
• 2. Peanut Stew
• 3. Peanut Broth
• 4. Peanut Soup recipe 2
• 5. Peanut Soup recipe 3
• 6. Peanut Stew recipe 2
• 7. Peanut Soup, recipe 2, High Latitude Adjustments
• 8. Peanut Soup, recipe 4
• 9. Peanut Soup, recipe 3, version 2
• 10. Peanut Soup, recipe 3, version 2.1
• 11. Peanut Soup recipe 3, version 2.1, Restaurant Size
• 12. Peanut Soup recipe 5
• 280. Use of peanuts as filler material in mixed nutes
• 362. Shoving peanuts in one's ears to keep from hearing Booker T. Washington bitch about me getting stoned on peanut-based hallucinogens last night
• 452. Peanut Soup recipe 19, version 4.6, High Latitude Adjustments, butter replaced w/ margarine
• 572. Peanut Butter sandwich
• 573. Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich
• 574. Peanut Butter & Jam sandwich
• 575. Peanut Butter & marmalade sandwich
• 576. Peanut Butter & Fruit Preserves sandwich
• 577. Peanut Butter sandwich on toasted bread
• 610. Peanut Butter & Banana sandwich with Jelly on toasted bread, cut into 4 triangles and served with a glass of milk
• 611. Peanut Butter & Banana sandwich with Jelly on toasted bread, cut into 4 triangles and served with a glass of chocolate milk
• 685. Peanut Butter & Banana sandwich with Jelly on toasted rye bread, cut into 4 triangles, crust removed, served on a paper plate and with a glass of 2% milk in a plastic cup
• 730. Salted Peanuts recipe 2
• 802. Use of peanut oil to clog Booker T. Washington's arteries by secretly placing it in his food over a period of several years
• 947. Use of peanuts to assassinate persons who have peanut allergies
• 1004. Use of peanuts as the subject matter of an Agricultural Bulletin
• 1005. Use of peanuts as the subject matter of an excessively long and redundant list

Later historians removed some of the redundancies from this list to reach the 300 number normally given by Carver's supporters.

[edit] Carver's Rise to Fame

It is commonly believed that Carver rose to fame on the basis of his agricultural work. This too, is Complete Bullsh*t. Carver's unmerited fame came from lobbying congress to raise tariffs on Peanuts in 1921. Seriously! It should be noted that Congress was then overwhelmingly Republican, and in those days, convincing Republicans to raise tariffs would be approximately as difficult convincing a modern day Republican Congress to name something after Ronald Reagan. This was also when black people were Republicans, and southern whites were J. Strom Thurmond type Democrats, making the feat all the less impressive.

Some of Carver's defenders object calling Carver's speech before Congress lobbying, preferring to call it expert testimony. The point out that Carver never requested that the peanut tarrifs be raised and did not exaggerate the plight of the peanut farmer. Congressional records state that Carver's testimony consisted of "Hey, y'all done forgot to tax dem dere fore-un peanuts," which brought the issue to the attention of the Republican Congress. Therefore, these objections by Carver's supportors may in fact have merit.

[edit] Patents

Carver getting a buzz on peanut-based controlled substances

Carver is widely credited with inventing 300 uses for peanuts. Of these, about 20 were already in use, 20 were hypothetical, and around 60 or so violated the drug and/or indecency laws of the day, and the remaining 200 were redundancies. This has lead many be to believe that Carver also invented redundancy. In all, Carver was granted 3 patents in his life time. In-freakin'-pressive. Because he refused to keep a laboratory notebook, these 3 whole patents, and a few disgusting recipes are the only thing Carver has left to humanity.

[edit] Paintings

A rare copy of Carver's lost artwork. Censored because Uncyclopedia has standards

During his lifetime, Carver produced 48 oil paintings during the time he should have been working. Unfortunately, all but three of these depicted anthropomorphic peanuts in homo-erotic poses. These paintings where destroyed in an "accidental" fire in 1947, however, a few copies have survived.

[edit] Crazy Fundie

In addition to not doing anything, Carver was also a firm believer in 6 day Creationism. His religious views gained him vast support among the Christian community, which, combined with his support from the black community, is often believed to be the source of the Carver Myth. His religious beliefs greatly influenced his scientific work, keeping from discovering anything. For example, Carver believed Polio was caused by demons which could be cast out with peanut oil. He also refused to keep a laboratory notebook of his work, believing it to be a form of witchcraft, however, he did keep notebook filled with his own pornographic drawings of peanuts and assorted peanut fetishes.

[edit] Death and afterwards

One night, after consuming more peanut derived hallucinogens than usual, Carver wondered aimlessly around the Tuskegee campus in a drug induced stupor as he was apt to do. While arguing with what witnesses say appeared to be an imaginary walnut, Carver slipped while on a stair case, falling down several flights of stairs and suffering mortal injuries. After his death, America morned, but there was much rejoicing among his close associates.

Due to his niggardly ways, and constant embezzlement, Carver had amassed over $60,000, all of which was donated the Carver Museum, which showcased Carver's many [alleged] achievements, and the George Washington Carver Foundation, which was dedicated to petitioning Congress to build the George Washington Carver National Monument and name things after Carver.

[edit] 8,996 Secret Uses of the Peanut

Main article: George Washington Carver/Secret Peanut Uses

Recently, it was discovered that Carver's work How to Grow the Peanut and 1,005 Ways of Preparing it for Human Consumption was originally titled How to Grow the Peanut and 10,001 Ways of Preparing it for Human Consumption. Due to the Obscenity and Controlled Substance laws of the day, 8,996 of Carver's suggested uses for the peanut could not have printed without violating several state and federal laws. As expected, Carver bitched and moaned about the editing of his work, but eventually relented when it became clear it couldn't be printed. Selections from Carver's original unpublished manuscript can be found here.

[edit] Trivia

• His brother, Benedict Arnold Carver was also a compete loser.
• Like 99.97 % of all other agricultural scientists since the dawn of time, Carver was an advocate of crop rotation. In 1925, he debated the subject with the ghost of Moronicus, a well known proponent of raising just cotton year after year until the end of time.
• In 1935, Carver was nominated for a Nobel Prize for finding his own ass with both hands. However, later research suggests Carver failed in this task.
• He had absolutely nothing to due to the carving up of George Washington's corpse.
• He was also never the President of the United States. He was, however, a Mythical President of the United States and President of the United Spades. However, the historical accuracy of both lists has been disputed.

[edit] Quotes About Carver

“When I was growing up, I was taught that Carver was the greatest Negro Scientist in the whole of America, nay, the world. Therefore, you can understand why I was once a Klansman and a segregationist.”

~ Robert Byrd on Carver

[edit] Links

• Peanut
• Loser
• George Washington
• Benedict Arnold Carver
• Martin van Buren