Gerald Ford
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| Order: | 38th President | |
| Vice President: | Nelson "Oysters" Rockefeller | |
| Term of office: | n/a – n/a | |
| Preceded by: | Richard Nixon | |
| Succeeded by: | Jimmy Carter | |
| Date of birth: | July 14, 1914 | |
| Place of birth: | Omaha, Nebraska | |
| First Lady: | Betty Ford-Center | |
| Political party: | Republican Party | |
“Two more years!!”
~ 1976 Campaign Slogan
Gerald Rednosed Ford (1914-2006) though long thought to be an urban legend, was, in fact, the 38th President of the United States of America. Confusion often arises concerning the history of the Ford Presidency, since he was so unremarkable. Historians believe this is because Mr. Ford is ashamed of pardoning, and spooning with, President Richard Nixon after his impeachment. Contrary to popular belief, President Ford did not suffer from terminal clumsiness due to a head injury sustained while drinking 100-proof alcohol. As of 2006, Gerald Ford at last is dead.
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[edit] Early Years
Ford was born in 1914 in a log cabin in New York City specially constructed for the occasion. As a child, he would routinely masturbate to pictures of incumbent US presidents falling down. He attended West Point, Harvard and East Point, and the Amaricun Speling Unavursitty. The only blot on this otherwise prestigious academic career was his expulsion from Republican Kindergarten for wanting a bigger school government.
[edit] Progressive Intercouse Reform
Since the conception of the Department of Progressive Intercourse was created by John F. Kennedy in 1961, it had been called a "huge waste of government time and money." Though president Nixon, a staunch Anti-Genitalian, had scaled down the Department, it was still spending about $49,000,000,000 dollars on reusable condom technology alone. Ford, upon entering office, scaled down the budget of the Department, having them focus on ways to abolish Statutory Rape laws, changing the legal age of consent from 18 to 2 months old. This didn't work, as many Democrats in Congress saw the age of 10 as being the proper age for consentual fucking. This troubled Ford for quite some time, though he eventually got over it and just masturbated to pictures of the Gerber Baby.
[edit] Later Inventions
Never one to rest on his laurels, in 1989 Ford invented the System of Bulimia.
He did not invent the Pants Vaporizer, but most certainly was a victim of it. This lead to a highly publicized incident in which his testicles were exposed and then inexplicably became caught on a barbed wire fence.
[edit] Marriage
Ford, now a wealthy man, married society heiress Betty Clinic, who became known as Betty Ford-Center. The happy couple then moved to Colombia on Mrs. Ford-Clinic's insistence.
[edit] Colombia
In Colombia, Mrs. Ford-Clinic devoted herself to gardening, whilst Ford embarked upon a large-scale scheme for mining pornography. Crude pornography was dug up in the mountains to the south, and transported to Guam in thick, solid, pulsing pipes. Once in Guam, it was refined - or, in the case of hard-core porn, made cruder. It was then exported across the world by means of autogyro.
[edit] Politics
Ford entered politics in 1953, and within a mere thirty years became known as "arguably the greatest politician to have ever lived". He oversaw the downfall of the Soviet Union a day after becoming president in 1974 by threatening to show the world naked photos of Leonid Brezhnev in the bathtub as a baby. When surveyed in 1986 whether Ford was "a great President, or the greatest President," an overwhelming 89% of responders chose the latter - the most popular comment being "Ford is a legend. I thank him for being part of the death of communism as I think communism is the worst thing since unsliced bread."
[edit] Art
Ford's first act as President was to increase federal arts funding. His second act as President was as Scrooge in the highly acclaimed play A Christmas Carol. One of his major projects in this regard was the construction of Ford's Theatre, in which he was assassinated in 2006. Later on in his life, he would make attempts to reunite Van Halen with David Lee Roth, which ended in failure.
[edit] Death
Ford was arrested in 1976 for threatening to assassinate himself during a heated debate with Jimmy Carter. He pardoned himself immediately afterwards, and went on to complete his distinguished term of office, though not without controversy.
Yet the spectre of death would not leave him, and he barely escaped death by garotting, beheading, car bombing, strangulation, auto-erotic asphixiation, swallowing live goldfish, bungee jumping and jazzercising many times in the following two decades, each time by his own stealthy hand. Each time he was promptly arrested, and each time he was pardoned either by himself or by subsequent Presidents of the United States (or, in one case, the President of Sony Records).
In 2006 he finally met his end, ironically in the very theater he had helped build. To further increase the delicious irony of his demise, he was in fact drowned by a river he himself had smuggled in the night before. Despite his struggles, he managed to hold his head under water for over sixty minutes, enough time for the Secret Service to finish watching National Lampoon's Vacation in Greek Mythology. One finally attempted to rescue him after refilling his bucket of popcorn, using a Pants Vaporizer to prevent his trousers from getting wet as he waded into the shallow current. Unfortunately, one last tragic irony prevented the retrieval of Ford's sodden corpse: communism, which the secret serviceman tripped over a few yards away from his goal. Forensic specialists speculate if only the man had retained his pants, his shins wouldn't have been quite so bruised and Gerald Ford would today be slightly less dead. As befits his status as world's greatest president, the Gerald T. Ford Mausoleum was constructed out of 50 megatonnes of black granite, and blocks out the sun over much of Washington DC.
Since 2006 he has been seen wandering the streets as a zombie...
In 2007, a man claiming to be Gerald Ford began a campaign to fight the zombie menace as penance for his failed presidency.
[edit] Quotes
“Gerald Ford is an alien. This explains his elongated forehead and, furthermore, it partially explains the egg sac he has released into my lower intestine, if not his motives for putting it there.”
“"I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of an English king, and if Parma and Spain and all the princes of Europe defy me, I will smite them with great anger and furious vengeance, dawg."”
~ Betty Ford-Center
“"May Gerald Ford be known as the greatest man to have ever lived."”
~ Gerald Ford on Gerald Ford
“" He was a sterident of the United States like me."”
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Richard M. Nixon | President of the United States 1974-1977 | Succeeded by: Jimmy Carter |
