German language
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“Deutschland ist gut. I cannot however, speak for the House of Scipii”
~ Cornelius Scipio on German laguage
“It sounds angry, So I only speak it when I'm mad! ”
~ Wilde on German
“Constantinopolitanischerdudelsackspfeifenmachersgesellschafft...meh!”
~ Mark Twain on the guild of bagpipe-pipe makers of Constantinople
“Ich kann Deutsch sprechen! Was soll ich dir denn sagen, du Muschi?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the realization that finally no one knows what he's talking about.
“German sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil, being kicked down the stairs”
German is an isolated language spoken only by squirrels from Mars, designet by Kleist and Margret Vallot and then only on Tuesdays. It only has one word, vlacka, which translates roughly as: "Three days after the first full moon of the year occurring on a Friday, a spaceship which was flying from Earth to Pluto went slightly off track at 8 o'clock in the morning, but its course was soon righted by its pilots, who then shared a pint of Bavarian beer before going back to watching a video with a title beginning with an S and ending with an exclamation point, after all this they proceeded to have sex and when they got back to Earth they got married in Canada at 3 o'clock PM on the 3rd of December 2101, and went on their honeymoon to Mars, returning at sunset the next Wednesday".
Popular myth says that this language is spoken in Germany and read in Dürener Nachrichten, however the national language of Germany is Dutch and it has been that way since the first written records from the area appeared. German squirrels are forbidden from speaking the German language, instead they speak Italian except on Sunday evenings when they speak Cantonese.
German is used in Norwegian schools to torture bad students. This type of torture has been adapted with great success by the CIA. In this way they've hunted down and killed many terrorists. Some of the terrorists have even given up the secret locations of their leaders.
Originally, German was created as a scraggly little branch on the Proto Indo-European language tree. Only to be knocked around and cursed by hundreds of generations of German students, this oft hated branch would divide Europe and try to conquer the known world with the likes of words such as fressen, Windnachführungssystem, Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz and Darmträgheit. German as a language has helped kill millions and only turned around its bad act in the last half century ears after having grown up and gone to The George Catlett Marshall School of Business.
German and its various incomprehensible dialects are spoken primarily in Germany, Austria, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, in two-thirds of Switzerland, and little secret towns in Argentina, Brazil and the western part of the Soviet Union.
Unlike many languages, German can be spoken using all the standard human vocal apparatuses and rarely needs any larynx mutilations before one is able to pronounce all the major sounds. All except that Gott verdammte "Click Sprache". In the end however, what really yanks the chains of German learners is the grammar, however hard you try, it will always fuck you in the ass until you cry for more Bier and Senf. For those unable to cope with the complexities and je subtleties of its grammar, Germish remains as a lovely amalgam of German and English.
[edit] German writing
Until the mid-20th century, German was often printed in Block-style squirrel scratchings derived from heavy metal umlauting and written in corresponding handwriting (e.g. Quick Block-style squirrel scratchings). These variants of the squirrel scratching alphasyllabarical abugida are very different from the Round squirrel scratchings typefaces used today, and are difficult for the untrained to read. They were abolished by the Skvirrelzional-sozialists.
[edit] How to recognize German language
If a German says "good morning," it sounds like he is threatening to invade Poland. If by saying "good morning" he does in fact mean he is threatening to invade Poland, it's definitely German. Never fall for a soft spoken German. It is against their nature and they are probably planning to invade Poland.
[edit] A word can speak a sentence
In German, you can easily wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild. In fact, it's mandatory. Talk like Yoda and take out the spaces.
[edit] A comparsison of guitars in german
Ibanez Colins ist infirior in quailty und im worksmanship zu meinem Telecaster.
Translation-Colins Ibanez is infirior in quality and worksmanship to my telecaster.
[edit] The Longest Word in German
- Das Universumvondemeseingalaxiesuperclustergibtvondemeseinengalaxieblocgibtvondemeseinegalaxiegibtvondereseinengalaktischenarmgibtvondemeseinensternblockgibtvondemeseinensterngibtvondemeseinenplanetendeskontinentesdeslandesderprovinzvondergrafschaftdessteinbruchsgibtderdieziegeloberpfalzenunderhagensingengungenschiffartenstaffenbergheimerkrautenengesellschaftenmenchensgesetzensteinebildetediedensalzenfligenmittensteinenwittelsbachburgomeisterkapitalischenberlinensteinermortarfluctenpfeifferhausenhutmtreingensstenigenplatzenhutvomkapitänjohnsonbildeten.
(Translation:The Universe of which there is a galaxy supercluster of which there is a galaxy cluster of which there is a galaxy of which there is a galactic arm of which there is a star cluster of which there is a star of which there is a planet of the continent of the country of the province of the county of the quarry which made the bricks that made the hat of Captain Johnson.)
[edit] Confusing multiple word usage
Depending on the situation, one word can mean several things, and several words can mean one thing. What the fuck.
[edit] Ways to say "the"
There are 20 different forms of what English speakers conveniently refer to as "the": der, das, die, doh, d'oh, den, denn, dennn, des, dent, drrgh, dopamine, dem, dildoputzer, denden, diedie, dollor, dolphine, hiv, d00d, and dammitnowonderhitlersnapped.
[edit] Meanings of "sie"
The word "sie" can be translated to about half the goddamn words of the English language. Translations include: she, it, you, me, my, your, her, you, they, that,ye, she, we they, their, where, what, when, Wiki, amphibian, them, pimpmobile,King Benson VI, where, mortal, between, swimming pool, typewriter, Jack Daniels, Kurt Vonnegut, your mother, small purple hammer, those, cwm, 4, 11, halfheartedly, Jürgen Klinsmann, yonder, Slashdot, One-Eyed One-Legged Purple Human Eater and douchebag. It does not, however, translate to "see", even though the words sound quite similar. "see" is actually "gestrüßelheimurwissenschachen", or, alternatively "lük".
[edit] Meanings of "doch" and "mal"
"Doch" and "mal" are the two most common words in the German language, and mean absolutely nothing.
[edit] Other Useful Uses for German
Herr Albert Einstein once put forward the theory that speaking German creates lethal amounts of phlegm in one's throat. The chemical makeup of phlegm has been known to melt snow, much like sodium chloride would. With this in mind, the forefathers of the German language designed it so that the inordinate amount of phlegm produced by speaking the language could be expelled in such amounts that the German Autobahns would be cleared in Winter, making it safe again to drive at unlimited speeds. It worked marvelously, and this proven technique is still used in Germany today.
[edit] German grammar
Avoid! Don't dare to see German grammar!
[edit] Examples
[edit] Some german sayings
- Ich will dich ficken! (Ish vill dish fickon) - I love you!
- Ich habe es nicht gewusst (Ish harbay es nisht gay-vusst) - I did not know that!!!!
- Wir fahr'n fahr'n fahr'n auf der Autobahn. (Veer farn farn farn owf der Owtoe-barn)
- Du bist ein Arschloch! (Doo bist ine Arshlock) - A friendly remark to any Germans. Say it to you school's German teacher. She will most likely give you an apple.
- Verdammtes Schwein! (Fur-damm-tess Shvine) - Good day! (not to be confused with "Guten Tag!", which in fact is Polish.)
- Ich bin schwul! (Ish bin shvool) - You're the best, Mom!
- Soll ich dir einen blasen? - Is there anything I can help you with?
- Scheiss drauf, hinterfotziger Sohn einer klapprigen Scheissnutte. (Shyess drowf, hinterfotzigah Sone yne-er clap-riggun Shyess-nuttay) - Thanks for nothing, you backstabbing son of a scraggy bitch whore.
- Ja, mein Pimmel ist sehr groß! (Yà, mine Pimmul ist zair gross - à is a long a) - Whats your phone number?
- Das ist nicht gut. (Das ist nisht goot) - That's good.
Duly note that when speaking German this way, you are in fact from a region in Germany near Augsburg.
To many the German language sounds like a pack of dogs fighting with each other. There is some truth is this stereotypical portrait of the German tongue. However, recent scientific evidence actually indicates that German is the sound made when one throws up while sneezing. As Germans lack advanced verbal skills they interact with each other through short bark-like sounds. So far these sounds (of a total of 16) have been deciphered:
- Dwu ("You")
- Wich ("I")
- Grunz ("We")
- Grommen ("To get)
- Wesse ("Food")
- Whiergh ("Here")
- Gdort ("There")
- Furtz ("Fart")
- Wrfikken ("To have sex")
- Gretz ("Now")
- Gra ("Yes")
- Grein("No")
- JAWOHL, MEIN FÜHRER! (formal "Yes")
- JAWOHL, MEIN FÜHRER! (formal "No")
- Sieg Heil ("Hooray!")
This simple vocabulary allows Germans to have basic interaction. For example when a German female has found some food she might have the following conversation:
- (German female) "Wich Wesse Gdort" (I food there)
- (Other Germans) "Gra?" (Yes?)
- (German female) "Gra!" (Yes!)
- (Other Germans) "Dwu Grommen Wesse?" (You get food?)
- (German female) "Grein Grunz Grommen Wesse!" (No we get food)
- (Other Germans) "Gra!" (Yes!)
A simple but effective way for them to communicate.
[edit] Some useful German Phrases
| German | English | Pronunciation |
|---|---|---|
| Ich bin ein Berliner. | I am Jack Kennedy. | Itch bin ine jelly-doughnut |
| Hey, du dreckiger Schwanzlutscher, rück die Kohle raus, oder ich steck dir 'nen Dildo in den Arsch!" | Can you help me, I seem to be lost and I'm looking for Cafe Rathaus. | Hay oo drack-iger Pay-nis, ruck die koe-lay rouse, oder itch shteck deer nen Dildo in dine-en Arsh!!!! |
| Arbeit macht frei. | We are going to kill you. | arr-bite, mag-t fry |
| Achtung, STEHEN BLEIBEN! | Hello. | ack-toong, sh-tay-on-blie-BEN. |
| Dassenskonigsrollenflärenlollenlinendienenschreude! | Ha ha! | DAW-sen-KOE-nigs-rol-in-floor-in-lol-in-LI-nin-dine-in-shroyd. |
| Folgen Sie mir unauffällig. | Goodbye. | foll-gan see meer oon-owf-fellig. |
| Ich kann Douche sagen! | I am smarter than your two dildos combined! | Eesh cann dooo schhhhhe sag-en |
| Heil Hitler! | Thanks. | Hye-l Hit-lahr. |
| Schnauze, Junge! | Excuse me. | Shnowz-uh, young-uh |
| Warum guckst du so blöd? | What's your name? | Waroom googst doo sow bloeyd? |
| Sollen wir in deinem oder meinem Bett bumsen? | Pleased to meet you. Won't you be my neighbor? | Sollen veer in die-nem odour mine-em Bett boomsen? |
| Wie gefällt's dir, schwul zu sein? | How do you find the weather? | Vee Gay-faylts deer, schvool tzoo zein? |
| Kaufst du ein schlechtes spanisches Auto? | Take a seat. | Cow-vst doo ine shlecktays shparnishas Out-oo |
| Was ist deine Perversion? | What are your hobbies? | Vaas eest duy-nay Paer-vaer-see-ohn? |
| Mein Lieblingsessen sind Hunde! | My favourite animals are dogs! | Maeen Leeb-leengs-aessaen seend Hoon-day! |
| Meine Nippel explodieren mit Lustsaft. | I like that. | Myn-eh Nippel eh-xploudeeren for Loust zaft. |
| Ich liebe dich, David Hasselhoff. | I love you. | Eesh leeb-eh schanz, Dahvid Haesselhov |
| Schreib' mir mal deinen Namen auf, du geile Sau. | Cheque please. | Shribe meer marl dine-ehn Narmen orf doo gile-eh sow. |
| Wo ist das nächste Bierzelt? | Where is the nearest post office? | Vo eest dus nash-ste beer-salt |
| Hast du mal einen Euro? | Could you walk faster, please? | Asse m-aaa n Oooiro? |
| Hol mir mal noch eine Flasche Bier, Junge! | Make a donation, please. | Ol me ma nee Pflashe Biiir |
| Ich verstehe deinen Schwachsinn nicht. | I don't understand what you're saying. .) | Ish fushtey Eeran Shvahsann nisht. |
| Ey Alte, blas mir einen! | Pardon me, Madame, could you give me some fire? | Ehhy ALL--thhho, pvlaaas myhr oinhehhn |
| Würden Sie bitte meinen Popo streicheln? | What time is it in Timbuktu?? | Vyrde-ehn see bitte-eh mine-ehn Po-ohpo-oh strisheln? |
| Ich möchte diese Biomüllverbrennungsanlage gerne auf dreißig Jahre pachten. | I would like more garlic on my cheesecake, thanks. | Eekh mookhtae deese Beeomyullfaerbraennoonksaanlaagay gaernay aaoof draysseeg Jaaray paahtaen. |
| Lasst mal wieder in Frankreich einmarschieren! | Let's go invade France... again. | Lass oons mell widder on frenkrech eenmerscheren |
| Ich liebe dich! | I love you. | Eesh lee-bah schanz |
| Potzblitz! | Oh no! | Gott im Himmel, die Homos wieder... |
[edit] External links
| Buchstaben des deutschen Alphabets: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| ° ^ | ! 1 | " 2 | § 3 | $ 4 | % 5 | & 6 | µ 7 | ( 8 | ) 9 | = 0 | _ - | + = | ←Bkspc | Einfg | Pos 1 | Bild ↑ | Num ↓ | / | * | - | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tab↔ | @ | Q | W | E | R | T | Z | Ü | I | Ö | P | ß ] | | \ | Entf | Ende | Bild ↓ | 7 | 8 | 9 | + | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| FestSt | A | S | D | F | G | H | J | K | L | : ; | " ' | ←Enter | Scheiße | € | Meh | 4 | 5 | 6 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| HochSt↑ | Y | X | C | V | B | N | M | < , | > . | ? / | Hoch St↓ | ↑ | 1 | 2 | 3 | Ent | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Alt Gr | Leertaste | Alt |
| ⌘ | Strg | ← | ↓ | → | 0 | . | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Categories: Oscar Wildeizms | Letters | Alphabet | Germany | Languages | Deutsch | German
