Germans

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This page is about the animal species, for the country see "Germany" for the language see "German language".

An average German male/female.

African immigrants are easily assimilated into the German culture.

“Give a German a gun and a tune to march to and he'll have taken over Paris within the week.”

~ Marshall Pétain on Germans

[edit] Society and culture

[edit] Classification

Germans are classified the following way:

• Mammalians
  • Primates
    • Hominidae
      • Homos
        • Homo neanderthalensis
          • Homo neanderthalensis teutonicus (English:The common German)

[edit] Growth and Development

Germans are, like humans, mammals. Unlike most responsible humans, however, the female German (or "Führerin") does not take care of the young. Early childhood care in usually left in the hands of the fiercest - or at least loudest - ranter from the preceding generation.

The lack of diversity in courses of study occasionally presents a problem. When there are shortages on the foods that the Germans have been trained to eat, they usually have no idea how to feed themselves or their offspring. Germans are then forced to improvise.

After childhood, when they've reached the age of 5, German males go through a period of "musth", characterized by highly aggressive behaviour, accompanied by a significant rise in reproductive hormones. Because the German males outnumber the females by 3 to 1, evolution has provided the females with multiple vaginas and gigantic wombs.

[edit] Social structure

Although Germans are an endangered species, sightings are not altogether inconceivable. Here is an artist's sketch of the German, captured in a rare moment of respite.

German poster for the 2005 elections.

A herd of Germans usually consists of about 80 animals led by a gay patriarch or "Austrian", whom most animals will follow into oblivion.

Like lemmings, Germans have a high reproductive rate and can breed rapidly in good seasons. German populations go through rapid growths and subsequent crashes that have entered popular consciousness as a supposedly widespread German phenomenon of mass suicide by waging large Wars. These periods of mass suicide generally happen every 75 years, though there are known exceptions. Now some scientist are considering if these mass suicides are a failed attempt at expanding their environment that occurs when the population reaches a certain amount but do to ineffective fighting skills they lose a large amount of the population making expanding pointless. This leads to a decrease in aggression and revertion in normal behavior.This theory however is unproven and lacks credibility.

Despite these tendencies and rapid population growth within the last two hundred years, Germans are quickly becoming an endangered species. A highly migratory animal, the German has found his choice environment and living space (Lebensraum) to have dwindled over the years, reducing the possibilities for widespread growth in multiple regions. Likewise, some scholars have noted that the rapid mating periods have now been replaced almost entirely by piss play, bondage, bukkake and beastiality, an unusual development indeed. This change of events has altered known population figures, and has the rest of the world scratching their heads, wondering what the hell happened to the Germans.

[edit] Natural enemies

Germans today have very few enemies within the animal kingdom, other than themselves. With the recent extinction of the "Homo sapiens Communii" or "Common Red Soviet" the Germans have lost one of their biggest natural enemies. Because Germans are very large animals (some can weigh as much as 400 kilos) their only real predator is the huge "Homo sapiens Batavii", the common Dutchman. The Dutch tend to invade the German feeding grounds every summer with their mobile slaughterhouses or "caravans" and kill as much as 24% of the total population of Germans.

[edit] Intelligence

Despite their appearance Germans are remarkably intelligent animals. Some Germans are in fact smarter than the closest related animal to humans, the Chimpanzee. Germans are not recommended as pets, although they are extremely trainable, most people have found that they do not posses a mind of their own and continually depend on receiving and carrying out orders. An adult female German has about the same mental capacities as a 5-year-old human child with Down Syndrome.

[edit] National traumas

[edit] Don't mention the war

Germans are god's horrible horrible mistakes.

Germans have a huge burden to carry with them. After all they did lose 2 World Wars and one world cup as well as failing to exterminate the Jews. Germans are very ashamed about this and do not like to be reminded of these "shortcomings". It is advised that when a German claims he, his father, or grandfather didn't participate, you just play along. After all no one is proud of the inferiority of himself or her relatives. Indeed many older Germans (75+) are looked down upon because they "didn't get the job done".

Nowadays the shameful history has been shifted to the Royal Family, the British Empire and the Daily Mail

[edit] The German language

To many the German language sounds like a pack of dogs fighting with each other. There is some truth is this stereotypical portrait of the German tongue. As Germans lack advanced verbal skills they interact with each other through short bark-like sounds. So far these sounds (of a total of 16) have been deciphered:

• Giv ("You")
• Wantt ("I")
• Gave ("We")
• Nais ("To get)
• Suk ("Food")
• Whiergh ("Here")
• Dik ("There")
• Wrfikken ("To have sex")
• Gretz ("Now")
• Gra ("Yes")
• I("No")
• JAWOHL, MEIN FÜHRER! (formal "Yes")
• JAWOHL, MEIN FÜHRER! (formal "No")
• Zum Angriff! ("To the front!")
• Sieg Heil ("Hooray!")
• Fuku ("Thank You")
• Cum Hav Seex ("Hello little boy!")

This simple vocabulary allows Germans to have basic interaction. For example when a German female has found some food she might have the following conversation:

(German female) "Wantt suk dik" (I food there)

(Other Germans) "Gra?" (Yes?)

(German female) "Gra!" (Yes!)

(Other Germans) "Giv nais suk?" (You get food?)

(German female) "I gave nais suk!" (No we get food)

(Other Germans) "Gra!" (Yes!)

A simple but effective way for them to communicate (but avoid them if possible).

You can also speak German without knowing any German words. By zaying zet yu like ze muzeek ov Kraftverk you vill impreaz zem so mach. Uze big vords to sound more inerlecctuelle like mozt chermans sink zey ahr. However try this on a German and they won't be happy. Be advised: DON'T ANGER A GERMAN!

[edit] German Sub-Species

[edit] The Dutchman

Main article: The Dutch

The Typical Pack of Dutchmen, note the equal opportunity, as the boy in the lower right is retarded.

Although generally not considered German, the Dutch are in fact earlier evolutionary divergences taken by the common German in the Early part of the Dark Ages. They remained hardly recognizable from Germans for the fact that they switched primarily from Beer Production to Marijuana Usage. However many years of being occupied by and neighbored by Germany has caused many Dutchmen to pick up many of the later Evolutionary divergences that the Common Garden German has accrued over the millennia.

[edit] The Frisian

An Off-branch of the Dutch Evolutionary Off-shoot the Frisian is an exceedingly rare breed of German living on the coast of the North Sea, they are alone in all German species in that they make fish a lifestyle as well as a primary food-source. They are much like the Swiss and even something like their English Cousins in that they speak an annoyingly complex language as well as preferring an afternoon drinking tea to war. (If no tea is available they usually choose the second option.)

[edit] The Prussian

Main article: Prussia

Typical Prussian throwing his hat at some French in Anger.

The Toughest of all German Evolutionary Divergences the Prussian is known to need twice the amount of Nourishment of any German, but in exchange gains far more war-making capacity and a far more Expansionist nature. They also experience and increase in tribal efficiency and a further decrease in all forms of humor save those that are extremely grisly or gory. The Prussian of any German Pack is often the Alpha with a Bavarian as the Beta, if not the other way around. It is increasingly rare however to find the larger breeds of Prussians thanks to encroachment on their native lands by the Russians and Polish. All true Prussians are hatched from Cannonballs and are most often seen making war.

[edit] The Bavarian

Although believed to be Fucking Nazis peace-loving brewers most Bavarians are happy committing Atrocities brewing beer only in Bavaria and in Austria, Speaking a divergent German Language they are all considered to be extremely Fanatical Public Speakers and are known throughout the world as Germans who can sell any man (except a Frenchman) a glass of beer for the shirt on his back. They are fairly common and are only encroached upon by their Prussian Cousins, or by packs of Northern Germans during Oktoberfest. They are also famous for their traditional garb: The Lederhosen.

[edit] The Swiss Man

Main article: Swiss

The Swiss are generally considered to be the most productive of all the Germans living in giant wooden houses in a giant Colony. They are particularly adept at making Army Knives, and Watches. They are an early Evolutionary Divergent of the German and are generally considered to be a separate species. They Speak a variant of German that has been grossly modified into a dance over time to allow the Swiss to tell other Swiss in their colony the location of prime Iron Mines as well as Private Banking Institutions to take over.

[edit] The Alsatian

An extremely rare and unfortunate victim of French populations breeding Pressure on German Hunting grounds over the centuries the Alsatian is unfortunately dying out. It however is remarkable in that many Alsatians display a surprisingly peaceful mentality. This however is quickly rectified whenever Alsace once again becomes part of Germany, or they drink any quantity of Beer. They have little natural protection against the swarming power of the French and often look To their German Cousins to aid them.

[edit] The Luxembourgian

Is a rare and somewhat exclusive Evolutionary Off-Branch of the German. It is known for attempting to keep its small hunting grounds its own no matter how many times it is invaded by its larger neighbors. They are however most famous for pretending to be a Frenchman and then revealing themselves as Germans to unsuspecting Frenchmen in Luxembourg. This tactic ensures that French Encroachment on their land is nullified, as well as providing a ready food source for the Luxembourgian.

[edit] The Austrian

Main article: Austrians

is a lesser known variant of the German Species, famous for its Self-denial of being German. They however are known for crafting a Reich on occasion and do participate in their larger cousin's adventures in the north.

[edit] The Sully

The most evil of all the German subspecies. All Sullies are unable to pronounce "r"'s, this is due to over stimulation of the pancreas. Sullies are strong believers that Hitler wasn't evil, he was just misunderstood and really wasn't "that bader guy." Just like Germany.

[edit] German Fun Facts and Trivia

1. Hiroshima wasn't an atomic bomb - it was a herd of stampeding Germans on their way to the sun loungers by the hotel pool.
2. Most Germans still dream of dominating their next-door neighbours - but only if they own a country.
3. Germans traditionally wear weird costumes for fetishistic reasons, but these pale in comparison to the French.
4. Germans want to start, and lose, World War III.
5. Germans are planning to lose World War III faster than the first two.
6. The Germans' favorite food are wurst, either in form of a horse's penis (Weiswurst) or bollocks (Saumagen, Pressack).
7. The shortest book ever written happens to be 1000 years of German Humour.
8. DO NOT piss of germans. EVER!!! Everyone remembers what happened when Poland pissed of Germany in 1939.
9. A German can demonstrate whether something is funny using a pie chart, scatter graph and chalk board.
10. The German is naturally adept at building what they call "Panzers" whenever they feel threatened or wish to expand their own living space.
11. No matter how early you get to the pool at your holiday resort, Germans will ALWAYS beat you to the sun loungers. This is because they superglue themselves to them during the night or just use towels to have them reserved.
12. German British relationships were significantly impaired by offering Saumagen sausage to Margaret Thatcher while standing on her feet in a beergarden to avoid her escape.
13. Germans are jealous that they did not invent Agent Orange (we just produced the dioxin impurity - a German).

[edit] "Hun"'s place in modern society

After much research on Google Images, one can find thousands of pictures of gay porn when searching for "Hun".

[edit] See also

• Germany
• Germania
• Hitler
• Nazism
• World War II
• World War I
• Austria
• Austrians