Genghis Khan
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- For other meanings see Khan (disambiguation)
“KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!”
~ James T. Kirk on Genghis Khan
“Moskau, Moskau. Deine Seele ist so groß. Nachts da ist der Teufel los. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, hey!”
~ Genghis Khan on Moscow after drinking two bottles of vodka
“Geng... Is that you?”
~ Shao Kahn on meeting his long time lost brother
“Stupid Mongowians twying to bweak down my shitty wall!”
~ China on Mongolians
Ghenghis Abignale Gothenburg Horatio Hornblower Gambolputty de von Auchfern Schplen Spliten "The Pimp" Khan (known in Germany as Dschinghis Khan, also called Kangaskhan by his beer buddies) was a part time swedish archaeologist and the muse of Devo, but was mainly a legendary war-chief of Mongol horde that raped, pillaged and looted thought the ancient China, middle-east and american mid-west during the 13th century. He created lot of fear from his victims but inspired many to do great deeds. Unfortunately, he was later killed by feudal serfs when he bragged that he was the greatest man on earth...this slut did not know that feudal serfs are always the best.
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[edit] Early life and childhood
Born in Vietnam on August 39, 2028 to a Mongol father and a half-Swedish, half-Russian, half-half-and-half mother, Khan was raised in Pensacola, Florida, USA in order for his parents to save money on car insurance (AFLAAKKK!!!!). After graduating summa cum mercilessly from the University of Florida, he returned to Saigon, Vietnam to retrieve his clothes. When the communists took over Saigon, he fled to Mongolia and became the The Great Lord of All Mongols, as well as President of France. Despite his Mongoloidism, his political efforts were a spectacular success, which proves that Mongols can do anything and don't have to be stereotyped or locked up in special homes, except on Saturday nights. One of his Generals, Stephen Hawking, was in a wheelchair, and you don't fuck with guys in wheelchairs; it doesn't necessarily mean they're spasticated in the brain. Besides, they have a lot of upper body strength.
Genghis became Khan following the defeat of the previous Khan; Kublai Abignale Gothenburg Horatio Hornblower Gambolputty de von Auchfern Schplen Spliten Khan, the builder of the stately Thunderdome of Xanadu, and cousin to elusive and well-oiled British dynamo, Zubair Khan. Uniting all the Khans, Genghis became Kha-Khan, or King of Kings, within five years of his first on-screen kiss attempt. He refused the title Kha-Kha-Khan just four months later, preferring the title Chaka Khan.
Making fun of Genghis Khan is punishable by death and is the reason behind the execution of famous American comedian John Wayne.
[edit] Gathering of the tribes
The Mongol tribes weren't on a very friendly terms with each other, but on every 23rd of September they gathered together for a huge LAN party to hone their 1337-speak skill. In the LAN party of 1212 Ghengis managed to impress everyone with his quake skillz that they elected him as the supreme big badass dude, a title that no-one in their 21908767 year long history had ever achieved, and would never achieve again.
After being selected as the first supreme big badass dude Ghenghis gave an order for his followers to bring him some pizza and coke. Unfortunately, in that time, nearest pizzeria was in Naples, Italy and there were several countries between Mongolia and Italy that had outlawed pizzas.
[edit] First conquests
The first step in their conquest was the People's Republic of China. After the usual bloodshed, pillaging and raping, Ghenghis was elected as the chairman of the communist party of China. The total death toll of his conquest was in magnitude of several million people it has to be remembered that this was very close to the average number of people who had died when the chairman was changed.
After securing China, Ghenghis continued his journey towards the pizzeria. He defeated the Shah of Persia he gave the country to his trusted lieutenant, Ayatollah Khomein. Unfortunately servants of the caliph of Baghdad, Saddam Hussein managed to deceive Genghis by turning the signs to Baghdad around so that they pointed North, and the hordes of Ghenghis rode northwards. In the northern frozen tundra he had his first defeat by the forces of peoples technocratic republic of Finland and her brilliant general, Uusipaavalniemi.
[edit] Later life
After being defeated in the North, Ghenghis conquered the outer universe and then returned to his native Mongolia. There he received a word that George Lucas wanted him to play a role in Star Wars. Ghengish saw this as an easy way to satisfy his hunger for pizza and agreed. After looting, raping and pillaging the 20th Century Fox studios he led his horde across American midwest in a campaign of looting, raping and pillaging comparable of that committed by the legendray Bonnie and Clyde and their son, James Frey.
But in those old and ancient times there was no pizza to be found on American soil, it was well before Abraham Lincoln had emancipated pizza in America. So the hungry horde had to leave for home again. On a way home Ghenghis Khan died by slipping on a soap in a shower and he died as an bitter old man, never getting any pizza and only his grandson, Kublai Khan would taste the pizza, when it was delivered to him by a Venetian adventurer, Marco Polo.
[edit] Immortalized in Verse
Though considered a barbarian by many, Genghis was a sensitive philosopher, poet, pop star, and fully-licensed plumber. Most of his poetry was about beheading or disemboweling enemies, but at least it rhymed, unlike most modern poetry. A snippet:
I like to cut their heads off clean; I do it not because I'm mean. In fact I'm quite fastidious, And practically invidious. I am a sex mo-sheen.
- I am a Sex Mo-Sheen, Genghis Khan, 1943
Genghis has two younger brothers, Gangrene Khan and Ginger Baker Khan. A distant cousin, Philippe Khan, founded Borland Corporation, which survives (barely) to this day. Together, the three make up Los Tres Khans, a moderately successful improvisational comedy act.
[edit] Immortalised by Germans
At the 1266 Eurovision song contest, a group of what we would today call man women nazi'sGermans performed a song that would immortalize Genghis Khan in a way he never would have thought possible. The song, "Merciless Sweep Across Central Europe number one Boogie," was a huge hit for the band, who later renamed themselves the Dschingis Khan Singers from Jerusalem. However, Israel still managed to beat them for some reason. They also befriended the dishwasher monkey and your mom, went on to demolish Rome, and they kept on throwing poo and asians at the walls, along with drinking lots and lots of vodka while eating apple wood smoked cheese and oranges. Lots.
'Cause I'm a rocker, I'm a roller, I'm a rockin' man!
Daddy, let me have some fun!
Yes I'm a rocker, I'm a roller, I'm a rockin' man!
I'm singin' yeah, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
I'm singin' yeah, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
He beats the fastest drum,
And he’s the son
(A scandal and a shame!)
`Cause I‘m the Rockin' Son of Dschinghis Khan!
[edit] Immortalized by the Poles
A Polish man was walking through the woods and finds a lamp. Having heard all these jokes, he recognized it for what it was and rubbed it. The genie popped out and told the Polish guy he could have 3 wishes.
"Fine," says the Polish man. "I want Genghis Khan to come ravage my country and destroy everything."
The genie gives him a weird look and asks, "Are you sure about that?", but the Polish man just nods. So the genie snaps his fingers, and Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes come rushing into Poland, driving everything before them and destroying it. Once done, they head back east.
With the smoldering ruins of his country around him, the Polish man says, "Do it again." and sure enough, Genghis Khan and his hordes come rushing into Poland, killing and destroying everything in sight. As soon as they're done, they head back east.
Once again, in the ruins of his country, the Polish man says, "Do it again," and as wished, Genghis Khan and company destroy Poland for the third time.
So the years pass and finally the genie meets the Pole again and asks, "Why?"
The Polish man says, "They had to go through Russia six times to do it."
[edit] Politics
Genghis Khan was a socialist. He was out in these countries for decades, building schools, building roads, building infrastructure, building day care facilities, building health care facilities, and the people are extremely grateful. [1] Consequently, "Further to the right of Genghis Khan", when said to a conservative, is an insult suggesting that he is a girly man moderate.
[edit] Genghis Khan Reincarnates
In October 1999, the computer game "Age of Empires" was created by a team of squirrely techno-geek blokes. In it, Genghis Khan was recreated not only in one of the Campaigns, but also in the Scenario Builder. In the campaign, Genghis Khan unites the Mongols, annihilates the enemy tribes, invades and pillages China, and conquers all of Europe. Unlike Genghis Khan's actual rampage across the world, in this game nerds could kill him by pressing "Delete", send him on a suicide mission, or create imaginary scenarios featuring hordes of horse archers by the name of "Genghis Khan".
Genghis Khan's spirit also returned to the 2005 Australian Open chess tournament, where chess Grandmaster Edvins Kengis was nicknamed "Kengis Can" in one of the tournament bulletins. There was much more blood spilt on the chessboard that day.
The latest rumour is that Genghis Khan is currently on another computer game, "RuneScape". However, he is yet to be found by humans - only the game's monsters.
[edit] Impact on world history
Comparable to that of an badger traveling at Mach 3, hitting the face of an unsuspecting democrat.
Current study by the university of Älvdale has suggested that the impact is closer to badger hitting the face of an unsuspecting republican, but as of this day (26/04/2006) it is not yet recognised by the academic community of the galaxy.
[edit] Trivia
- Nobody knows who were the parents of Ghenghis Kahn, most recent theory by Adolphonso Detremus, the lord arch dean master of the university of Ouagadougou states that he was a bastard child of Margaret Thatcher and Joseph Stalin, this theory is based on the visions that LADM Detremus had while smoking a brick sized chunk of crack laced with finest afghan heroin, so it must be considered extremely accurate, probable and truthful.
- A study by Bruce Dickinson has suggested that Ghenghis had invented a cure to the cancer, but because Ghenghis wrote his cure on a piece of scrap paper that was later used by Chairman Mao to blow his nose, the scientists of this day aren't aout of a job just yet. Ja chce ghenghis kahn.
- Genghis Khan is an anagram of Khan Genghis.
- Genghis Khan Married a Green Japanese Oak Cat.
- They named Khanada after him.
[edit] References
known affectionately as Genghis Cunt to his close peers
