Gay

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ATTENTION VANDALS
WOW! I can't believe you're actually reading this! But now that you are please read the text below...
So you're here to vandalise the GAY page on Uncyclopedia... Fair enough, a brilliant idea, you're obviously very clever to come up with such a funny, mature, witty etc. But alas, let me tell you something... We could have protected this page from being changed, but we think it's far more fun to let you make your changes, and then undo them with one click of the mouse. You're actually getting screwed by a GAY page, literally.
So, here's the deal... There's a section of this article called "Gay People & Current Sexual Status". Please use your skills as a queer basher to add to the list and make it as comprehensive as possible... If you only mess with this list we promise not to remove your edits... honest...

Who are you calling a ~~fag~~ flag?

“Homosexuality is a negative corruption of humanity with no evolutionarily useful attributes. As the 'gay gene' is passed from parent to child, and gays do not breed, my theory predicts that the gay species will soon become extinct.”

~ Charles Darwin on Gays (when there were fewer gays)

“It'll never catch on!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Homosexuality

Gay is a word in transition. Years ago, gay simply meant happy. It was a simple innocuous adjective used to describe the time had by Fred Flintstone whilst sipping tea and eating muffins. Similarly, homosexual used to mean fan-dabby-doo, but now refers to cigarettes. You could have a Gay Day without having to put your penis anywhere, and even if your surname was 'Gay' you could probably get through school with most of your own teeth. Then everything got really complicated...

1 Modern usage
2 Gayism through the Ages
- 2.1 The pre-history of the Gayites
- 2.2 Here cumeth men of virtue
3 Hard facts about Gayuality
4 Ahh, Almost Forgot, the Lesbian Thing
5 Not Funny? Try Sticking These Up Your Ass

[edit] Modern usage

Today the word gay has 3 uses:

A man who enjoys other men's bottoms and doesn't like vaginas.
A woman who enjoys other women's vaginas and doesn't let men watch when they do.
An insightful witticism used by Brits and Americans. Although the genius of the insult is without question, it seldom has anything to do with penises, vaginas or bottoms.

To confuse matters further, some people like to put their penes/vaginas into various places of both men and women. These people are called Greedy, and everyone else is really jealous.

[edit] Gayism through the Ages

So, how did it all start, and where do gay people come from? Now, try to be serious for a second...

[edit] The pre-history of the Gayites

In the old days you could screw pretty much anything you fancied, animal, vegetable or mineral and didn't even have to ask, unless of course it was a dinosaur. Gay bashing still existed, but sucking off a man was far less adventurous than tugging off a lion, so no-one gave a monkeys; especially the monkeys who still bum each other silly to this day.

[edit] Here cumeth men of virtue

"I'll call you"

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Etc, etc, etc..."

When God finally got bored masturbating over the dinosaurs he decided to create Adam so he could screw him instead. After watching poor Adam racking his wrists alone God gave him a good ribbing and created Eve allowing the family tradition of screwing yourself to continue. Adam and Eve had a whole lot of sex to create two children (both boys) who then had sex with each other (or possibly their mother) to create more children who then also had sex with each other. Nothing wrong there you understand...

For thousands of years everyone carried on doing whomever they pleased especially the ancient Greeks who bummed each other silly largely because it was less effort than trying to talk a girl into doing it.

God got a bit upset because man was actually starting to have more fun than him, and decided make a list of things which men were not allowed to do. When no one really listened he committed adultery with a virgin who gave birth to Jesus. Due to his fashion sense Jesus' sexual advances were rejected by Angel Gabriel, a man, and even a sausage. In his rage Jesus banned sexualising anything with a plonker leaving him to wander the desert for forty days with nothing to suck on.

The deity-bashing continued long after. When a miniature Bonsai tree mocked Buddah's minuscule manhood he added his weight to this prohibition and Abraham revealed his support 'cos it's the thing all the cool kids do. Muhammad also backed the new rules. Obviously he had no feelings of sexual inadequacy, and his views are all completely correct and reasonable in every way. Mainly because his are the words of Allah the one true God. So now you goat fucking fundamentalist lunatics have no reason to blow my ass up that was that.

Public admission of bum fancying became taboo for 2000 years and everyone carried on as before but just didn't tell the priest or their dads. Then in the 1960's some idiot hippies decided it would be "right on" to "liberate the gay oppressed minority Maaaan". As a result we now have to listen to all the repressed homosexuals banging on about sodomy again.

[edit] Hard facts about Gayuality

Thanks to those damn Chinese and all the whispering many misconceptions exist:

Apparently God was a non-smoker, but encourages his children to be fruity and multiply

[edit] A Sin of Biblical Proportions

The Bible is the genuine indisputable word of God. He actually took time off running the whole universe to write it himself using a cloud. Genesis 19:8 is very clear about Gaying around....

Before they lay down, the women of the city, the men of Sodomy, surrounded the house, both young and old, all the people from every dime; and they called to Lot and said to him, "Where are the women who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may have relations with them." But Lot went out to them at the doorway, and shut the door behind him, and said, "Please, my brothers, do not act wickedly." Now behold, I have two boys who have not had relations with man; please let me bring them out to you, and do to them whatever you like; only do nothing to these girls, inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof.

Hang on a second, are you sure that's how it goes???

Homosexuals often gather together in packs

[edit] A quick guide to using the 'F' word

FAG means cigarette. Unless you're a gay basher, or a fag.
A faggot is a type of sausage. Unless you're homophobic, or a sausage.

Got it? Perhaps not... Basically, the "rules" say that YOU are not allowed to use the word fag, unless you're fag, in which case it's obviously considered fine. If a fag knows that you are homophobic, then using the word fag could be considered offensive. Unless of course he knows that you're actually secretly gay, in which case he will probably just try to suck your cock or something.

If only Gabriel had let Jesus blow him instead

[edit] Why are People Gay?

Some say that Gays like mens bottoms and cocks, whereas straight guys don't.
Some say that Gays are just lazy straight people who have figured out that it's a lot easier to put your penis up a Gay man's bottom than it is to get a girl to do it.
Some say it's a disease that can be caught by playing Subbuteo with them.
A little known fact is that everytime there is a rainbow someone turns gay or straight, I forget.

[edit] Why are People Straight?

Straight people don't like to have sex with members of their own sex. The ones which would like to, but pretend not, can be considered 'In the Closet'. A position from which, it can become difficult to decide how to dress. Those that have... Oh, why are people straight? Well, despite a newly liberated generation of freshly aware sexual individuals everyone has to agree that there is still something decidedly anal about being gay. Women can be a pain in the ass and all, but in the end being straight actually looks like a less effort in the long run for most.

[edit] Why are People Homophobic?

Some say that there is actually a genetic difference between Gays and Straights. The logic follows that both are in the same genus as 'straights' (Homo) with the Gays being the Homo Sexuals and the straights being the Homo Sapiens. As has been noted, this is a tricky position considering what Mr Darwin said and all...

Some say it's about Religion. Well, God has been screwing with men since time began, so he's not against the idea. Basically gay bashers are jealous. It must be that they see all the Gays getting lots of easy casual sex and are upset because they haven't thought of doing it themselves.

Some say that Homophobia can be freely defined as an irrational fear for people belonging to and identifying themselves as members of the third-sex. Being irrational is when you have a flow of thought, behaviour or action that is deprived of normal clarity, reason and sound judgement. Being gay/ homosexual is when you are attracted and have sexual relationships with the same sex. Therefore, homophobia is the fear of being sexually attracted and having sexual relationship with the same sex.
“Hang on! Who the hell wrote that last bit!”

~ The Author

A boy saves a whole country by putting his finger in a Dyke

[edit] Ahh, Almost Forgot, the Lesbian Thing

These days, thanks to the friendly feminists and all the lemon-ade they drank, women now have the right to be gay also. Like the guys, female gays have experienced tough times thought history with the lickalotopuss being the only openly gay female dinosaur. 'Course, no one really cares about this sort of thing, they're not doing any harm and as everyone knows, lesbians are hot.

As men and women are equal in every way, men sometimes attempt to compete in gaylick games such as Tossing the Finger, Muff diving and Carpet Munching claiming to be "lesbians in a man's body". Although most attempts are unsuccessful, it's best to just keep trying.

Here's the strange thing about the girls though... While many homosexual men would be happy for a straight person to see them naked, when a guy wants to watch two girls doing the dirty there's a problem all of a sudden? What's that all about? Seriously? Come on ladies, share eh? We promise to just sit in the corner quietly honest!