Giada De Laurentiis
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Giada De Laurentiis is an time traveler from the distant future.
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[edit] Origin
Cloned circa 40,570 in Roma IV, Neptune, she was raised in geospatial orbit over the ruins of Earth. Being an advanced neo-human, her head is three times the size of her body, and she is capable of telepathy. She was raised as a historian, and was fascinated with the fact that humans of the first ten millennia had to consume plant and animal matter for sustenence. As part of her studies to become Grand Prefect of Hydrocephalia, she decided to travel back in time to study humans of our era.
[edit] Arrival in the 20th century
Hitchhiking in the time ship of John Titor, Giada arrived on Earth in the late 20th century. Upon exiting the time capsule, she found that our Earth's thicker atmosphere compressed her hollow, brittle bones, such that her head was now five times the size of her body. A band of travelling gypsies, lead by their swagman chieftain Mario Battali, found her writhing in hunger, as her compressed esophagus was now unable to consume Nutro-Gel at a rate enough to sustain her secondary brain's metabolic function.
Apparently, all her body mass had shrunk into her cleavage and head.
[edit] Training as a Chef
Battali taught Di Laurentiis about food, explaining that as a mammal she would have to kill and eat the flesh of other living creatures. Being a bitch, de Laurentiis concluded that Battali would provide the most flesh in one sitting; thus, she immediately killed and ate Battali. Stealing his cookbooks, she decided to take his identity as an Italian and chef.
[edit] Food Network
Giada soon developed a reputation in the culinary world for her ability to roast meats using telekinesis. She was invited to compete on the television program Iron Chef, where she wowed the audience for her ability to create a soft-focus field around her. She also wowed the judges and producers when she caused the competitor, Bobby Flay, to self-immolate; his wife, Stephanie March of the series Law and Order, did not notice, having long since concluded that he was flaming. Giada was invited to host several shows on the Food Network, specifically You Are Getting Sleepy... I mean Hungry and Prepare To Diet, Puny Earthling.
[edit] Present Day
Her hobbies include forced smiles, overly pedantic italian pronunciations, sneaking into galas, computing values of pi, trapping wayward starship captains in hallucinatory prisons, showing off her ample alien cleavage, and cultivating spice melange. Her alien ancestry is detectable in her grossly thick voiceless postalveolar fricatives (e.g. meazzzhure and fressssh) and extreme rhotacization (e.g. measurrre, frrresh). She is currently married to Hypnotoad.
