Giant Australian Penguin
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Giant Australian Penguin, known to Aboriginal Australians as the "Foreesaw Crowlaw", literally "Kangaroo Destroyer", is a species of Puffin commonly confused with overgrown Emperor Penguins when young. It is native to the Kimberly Outback during the summer, spending it's winters in the Indian Ocean.
Contents |
[edit] Physical features
The appearance of the Giant Australian Penguin is similar to that of a large, thin, starved purple penguin. Aside from the obvious size of 8 metres and purple colour, the oddest thing is the chipped beak, giving it a sort of "fanged" look. It is not born with this, but develops this over time, during it's four week growth period. The hardness of the beak, if scaled on the scale of hardness, goes from 4 at birth to 9 at adulthood. The beak is made of an unknown substance, that has great value to aboriginal tribes in jewelry. However, it deteriorates quickly, lasting only two months before disintegrating. It is theorized that the beaks become stronger during winter months, though no one is willing to get close enough to a floating corpse to verify this.
[edit] Aboriginal legend
Young penguins are known as kittens, due to a popular aboriginal legend heard by scientists. An inebriated British convict somehow found himself in the Kimberly Outback during one of the flash floods, and found himself drowning. Losing consciousness, he was picked up by one of the Giant Australian Penguins. He was taken to a nearby rock, where the penguin's nest was located. A local of the area witnessed the events long enough to hear the man say something to the extent of "Thanks for helping me, I must be hallucinating though." The aboriginal had some concept of English, but misinterpreted "hallucination" for the aboriginal "halusee", meaning "young cat". As the local tried to get closer, he noticed the man stumbling around the nest. The aboriginal realized the man was drunk, and decided not to save the man, who was then swallowed whole. This story is a somewhat unsuccessful parable used to keep tribal children from drinking.
[edit] Diet and habitat
The Giant Australian Penguin is native to the Kimberly Outback region of Australia, where it flourishes in the frequent flash floods, feeding on drowned Kangaroos. Being a flightless cousin of the puffin, it then carries it's prey to high rocks, where it is swallowed whole. Having multiple stomachs like cows, the prey is digested over a period of several days, being regurgitated through the first stomach to feed it's young. When regurgitated, the meal takes a form similar to Owl Pellets, with each piece of the marsupial making a different pellet. The kitten bird then chews the pellet, giving the beak it's characteristic "fanged" appearance. During the winter, if the kittens haven't grown to over two metres, the mother will eat the head for protein, much like mantises. During it's stay in the Indian Ocean, the avian will survive almost exclusively as a scavenger, eating other birds that have died and fallen in the ocean. With it's massive size, it must ingest over 40 kg of seaweed to supplement this diet. Little else is known, as not enough aboriginees live in the Indian Ocean to observe it's behavior, making it somewhat of a scientific mystery.
[edit] Historical significance
Aside from some minor roles in certain aboriginal Armageddon stories, the Giant Australian Penguin was seen by traders in the Indian Ocean to be omens of death. This arose from the fact that during the ocean's significance as a trade route, sailors that would fall overboard would be ripped to shreds in feeding frenzies not unlike a cow in a piranha tank. This has not occurred in centuries, though scientists suspect that the penguins develop a bond with their mate, arising from rare carnivorous acts in their time in the ocean. Marco Polo alludes to this in his diaries:
"The ocean is feared, for it bares what the sailors call "The Purple". They do not speak of it, only of the deaths of it."
Another instance of the bird's historical significance lies in the stories of sirens. It is said that when Alexander the Great lead his armies into Asia, they encountered what they thought were beautiful maidens in the ocean. However, having just passed through the trade capital of Mecca, they were still stocked on various wines, and were still consuming mass quantities of it. With their depth perception obviously skewed, they thought the purple was a native gown, and numerous hoplites plunged into the water. The singing they heard only drove them to try and swim further, though the penguins mating calls were actually all that they heard. Their armor was no match for the ultra sharp beaks of the penguins, and all drowned or were chewed to pieces. Historically, we are unsure of whether this tale is true or not, only that when passing through this region, Alexander's forces were halved, that wine rations mysteriously disappeared, and that stories of sirens took root everywhere except nations bordering the Indian Ocean.


