Gibraltar
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โThey Are Gibbo Fu-ks!โ
~ Oscar Wilde on Gibraltar
Gibraltar is a large rock inhabited by cavepeople until 1704, and now lorded over by the British. It is universally accepted that it must never fall to the Spanish because the monkeys would leave.
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[edit] History
In the 1700s Gibraltar was captured by evil fascist money laundering pirates who spoke Gibberish and were sent by the evil General Franco. The day was saved by James Bond who used his secret agent British skills to trick the pirates into jumping off the top of the rock like lemmings. From that day on Gibraltar's people have been British and drank tea and ate crumpets with the rest of them. It was agreed it would be British forever under the Treaty of Utrecht and the Spanish have been trying to break that ever since. The Gibraltar national anthem was "La Macarena", but as everyone is now thoroughly fed up of it, they have adopted a new anthem, thought to closely resemble the "Ketchup Song". Unfortunately, however, no-one knows the words to it so you get a lot of humming and "la la la's" and "Lloyd George knew my father" thrown in.
Every 10th of Sept the locals are gathered up with the British who have gone native, dressed in matching clothes and packed in a small square where they must stand for hours in the baking sun. Backbenchers, Labour rebels, Tory rebels, wishy washy liberals and other misfits from the UK house of commons are packed onto a charter flight from Luton Airport and sent to Gibraltar to make up numbers on a huge stage assembled in a corner of the small square. They are then politically brainwashed to cheer to every lie the ruling dictator says. When every one is breaking down from the heat and the exhaustion they are marched for another miserable 4 hours. Until they are finally set free and forced to intoxicate themselves. This is done every year to insure that the Gibraltarians stay loyal to their country and to the British. For some unknown reason, it seems to work!
[edit] Government
For years, the Gibraltarian government have promised in these so-called "democratic elections" have gone though millions of deals and compromises which is really just double talk by The Man. However, for some reason the Gibraltarian people buy all this when really all the politicians who are making these promises, after going home and scratching their bollocks, really just want to say to the Gibraltarians "shut the ---- up and give me all your money you peasant scum !".
[edit] Political Climate
Sometime before 1704 a Spanish peasant (thought to be called Diego), once pointed to The Rock and said "ees' mine" and ever since Spain has tried to uphold Diego's family claim to the rock. Even though the people in Gibraltar have on numerous occasions politely reminded the Spanish that they don't want all the dancing and torturing of bulls happening on their hill, the Spanish have persisted in calling the rock theirs, and built a model of it in San Roque to plan the invasion.
To help Anglo/Spanish relations Tony Blair offered Gibraltar to the Spanish for a fiver, but was hastily taken aside into a back room and beaten with big sticks by people with decency and honour, until he accepted that he wasn't God and couldn't just pass off thirty thousand apes to the Spanish.
To commemorate this historic moment, the Gibraltarian's have cemented it into Gibraltarian custom with the annual "beat the Spanish with Big Sticks Day" where they lovingly bludging any unsuspecting Spaniard to the ground as proof of their independence and Britishness (see: The British - '...violent bastard's who took over the world merely to piss everyone off. Damn they did it well!').
[edit] People of Gibraltar
The people of Gibraltar are possibly the most confused people in existence, or have ever existed. They talk to each other in Spanish and prefer paella to proper British food like Curry. However they scorn the Slops, otherwise erroneously named the Spanish, and the Giris, ie anyone else not from Gibraltar. Considering that Gibraltar itself is made up of immigrants from the last three hundred years, it is a somewhat ridiculous position. Fraggle Rock and itยดs hangers on also expect everything for nothing, having been cacooned from birth from the outside world, and spoilt rotten by their mothers. Whatever you do when visiting Fraggle Rock, for God's sake don't try to chat up any Fraggle women. Fraggle men will immediately try to kill you, as they view all women in Fraggle Rock as a rare commodity available to only them. You will often hear the words "hands off my girlfriend and/or sister" shouted at you should you persist in chatting to Fraggle women. If someone goes against the social stereotype i.e fat people in tracksuits with their ears pierced, then they are subject to abusive behaviour, usually consisting of grunting and hand gestures with the closing sentences "dont get cocky wiv me" or " i get my cousin to break your facking face" even though the face it's self cannot in fact be broken. The main occupation of Gibraltar is pimping up a 1.4 honda civic. This treasured and revered car tuning usually consists of putting a new front bumper on it and making the engine rev really loudly until bystanders outside Mcdonald's ( the local shrine of Gibraltarians ) go "Kijo!! que wapo!" meaning " fwaaaah, he's got a well loud car!"
[edit] Transport
Everyone has two cars, one to occupy any parking available and another to drive round town endlessly in, or queue for hours to go to Spain to buy cigarettes. In addition every man woman and child has a moped and a hovercraft on which to zoom through the traffic jams that form when everyone is driving to buy cigarettes. The Jam that is formed by the traffic is both sweet and slightly spicy, so it is Gibraltar's main export. In the year 2003 an architect by the name of Fred Flinstone was a pioneer who built bridges and highways to an extent that Gibraltar lost all it's traffic jam, and fell into a era of economical depression.
[edit] The Ledgend Of Freddy
One of Gibraltar most notable features is Andrew who has been spotted by avid enthusiasts around the Montague Gardens area. He is frequently seen eating small children and rodents and has a tendency to rape his male victims prior to devouring them. Rumours have it that he spent 6 weeks attend a local church where he enjoyed sexual relationships with the local clergy and choir boys. The legend of Andrew is not really a legend but actual fact and pictures and home movies by the clergy prove his existence. He has been likened to "El Chupa Cabra" a mythical mexican goat "sucker".
[edit] Military
[edit] Gibraltar Regiment Lore
The Gibraltar Regiment was originally founded by the Gibraltarian forefathers, the Barbary apes. Since then the legend has remained that as long there are Barbary apes on Gibraltar it will always be British. However, since this has never been proven, it is now thought that the Barbary apes will one day take over Gibraltar as the Barbary apes are quite obviously smarter and barbarious.
[edit] Gibraltar Regimental Motto
"Nulli Expugnabilis Hosti"
Translation:
"We'll beat your sloppy ARSES"
[edit] Sport
Gibraltar plans to win the world cup in 2088.
[edit] Sacred Animals
The Honda Civic is a protected species and worshipped, its breeding ground is at Europa point by the lighthouse.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External links
- Hercule Poirot holds up the Rock of Gibraltar for all to see.
- A common, 17th Century, Gibraltarian family.
- The Breaking of the Gibraltarians personal space phobia. (Is done every year)
- A critical review of the ongoing issues.
- Social and cultural aspects of da rock
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