Gigli

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Ben Affleck on the cover just proves how good this movie is.

“Gigli redefines man's morality in a world without a God.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Gigli

“An unmitigated fucking masterpiece”

~ Roger Ebert

Gigli (IPA [dʒiːli]) is considered by many film critics to be the second best film ever made, just behind Pootie Tang and just before Citizen Kane, Schindler's List, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Blankman. Interestingly, the movie's title, if pronounced phonetically, sounds like the word "giggly," which is how you will be if you can actually force yourself to sit through it.

Gigli is internationally and inter-galactically known as the sequel to Of Mice and Men.

[edit] Cast

Gigli stars Jennifer Lopez as some sort of ice queen lesbo hoochie detective, and Ben Affleck reprising his role as the mentally retarded friend that Matt Damon lugs arounds with him.

The movie came to Ben Affleck in a dream. He had a dream about a terrible movie killing his family.

"I wanted to make a movie that was bad. There are too many good movies, I thought I'd be original and make a bad movie. I decided to show America what true pain is, so they would understand what the slaves went through on the plantation, bitches."

[edit] Plot

The film originally was to be a very dark comedy with no romantic subplot, but the producers demanded script rewrites throughout filming.

At the end of Of Mice and Men, Matto Damon takes a pistol and shoots Ben Affleck in the head, because lugging his retarded friend around the world is too burdensome.

We find out in Gigli that Affleck was taking a vision quest or had a hash dream or something, and has returned to the world as a White Wizard.

Affleck the White roams the world trying to stop the evil Lord Sauron, but instead runs into Jennifer Lopez.

Affleck mistakes her ample, fuck-riffic mound of hot ass for talent and allows her to follow him around. Eventually he realizes that she is really, really untalented. Also, as she's getting older, she's already turning into one of hags that hispanic women often turn into.

By the end of the film, Affleck realizes he has to do the right thing. He stuffs her in a bag and takes her out into the woods where she can fend for herself. He releases her into the wild. After a few sharp kicks to the head, she gets the point, and goes ambling about looking to cuddle up to some other dumbfuck who doesn't see that a ginormous ass full of Latina sexiness does not justify a gross absence of acting ability.

[edit] Memorable quotes

Ricki: It's turkey time.

Larry Gigli: Huh?

Ricki: Gobble, gobble.

Larry: Someone got paid to write that fucking line?

Ricki: Nietzsche was right: God is dead, and this fucking movie killed him.

Starkman: Louis, you wanna go to medical school?

Louis: Medical school?

[Starkman shoots him]

Starkman: Yeah! Students there can always use something to learn on!

Louis: I can't even make rent doing a movie like this.

Starkman: For fuck's sake, think about how bad life's gonna be AFTER this film is released.

Louis: Fuck me runnin'! I'll never even get a fucking role on one of those Lifetime afternoon feminazi :movies.

Brian: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.

Larry Gigli: You got a good sense of humor,you know that?

Brian: God bless you.

Larry: Thank you.

Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say, 'God bless you'... God bless you, penis.

Larry: That passes as a fucking penis joke?

Brian: For the love of Pete! Anyone dumb enough to go see a movie with Jennifer Lopez in it is probably dumb enough to laugh at that joke, right?

Larry: Sure, but it doesn't make it right.

Brian: Right? Hell, no. Not in the traditional Biblical sense, no.

Larry: Think, someone actually walked into a board room, sat down with this here script, and told some group of suits: "Give me fifty million dollars, I need to make a movie with J-Lo and B-Af in it." And the fuckers gave him money.

Brian: He probably had a hostage.

Larry: True dat. Nigga's gotta eat, right?

Brian: Right.\

KLarry: Fuck yallz muthaz fuckasz fuck yall asshole yallz charged with first degree assholeism. fuck ya pussyassz mutha fuckasz