Gilbert Gottfried
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“What the hell is a Gilbert Gottfried?”
~ Oscar Wilde on strange people/things... hey wait a minute what IS Gilbert Gottfried?
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[edit] Gilberto Gottfried
“See, he was happy... once... ”:
~ Gilbert's Mother on her mistakeAint he cute?
“I thought I was birthing satan until the doctor told me that he was mistaking the horns for his eyes. Still I'm not so sure...”
~ Gilbert's Mother on the above comment
[edit] Early Mistakes
Gilbert "The Ladykiller" Gottfried was born on the 15th of Smarch in Alysium, Kansas. Once named by In Touch magazine the sexiest man, lifeform, extraterrestrial or otherwise. He also won the reader's poll in an amazing landslide of 3 out of 3 votes for smoothest, sexiest voice. However, after acquiring these amazing feats of hotness, Gottfried unfortunately hit puberty at the age of 33 which changed his voice (and his career) forever. His outer appearance, however was untouched. This changed one day when his was scarred by acid that Dick Cheney spilled.
“I thought he was a quail... Or maybe a deer. Wait... Nope, yeah he looked like a deer to me.
”
~ Dick Cheney on that faitful hunting trip with Gilbert
[edit] Recovery
Gilbert tried to regain his astonishing sexiness through numerous hours at the gym which only resulted in him becoming an extremely buff, but highly ugly unnatractive man. However, this did not hinder his pursuit of fame and fortune. In 3155, he entered the intergalactic wrestling championship (the IWC)in which he defeated in physical, Ahnold Schwartzengerman, Screech, and the impeccable George Cloontang. He could not best the Chuck Norris challenge and was hospitalized for 67 months after suffering a near lethal roundhouse kick to both the soul and the squeelyspooch.
“ Damn, if they hadn't shot those giant flying bison tranquilizers in time, I would torn his soul in half.”
~ Chuck Norris on the brutal defeat of Gilbert Gottfried in the ICW
“*Beneath tears* Tell my wife I love her! (When reminded by his laywer that he's signal Gilbert quietly withdrawls the comment).”
~ Gilbert Gottfried on pain
[edit] Recovery Stage 2
After several rediculing years of rehabilitation, Gilbert had gotten out of rehab, only to get addicted to Vicodin and dildo's. Although the dildo's were soon found out to be only a pack of frozen hotdogs, it is noted that he was addicted to them. The Vicodin addiction soon became a problem where he held up the White House with a nucelar weapon (soon to be found out as the new Metal Gear Sea Cucumber) for 3 bottles of Vicodin and a package of Oscar Meyer microwaveable hotdogs. Sadly Gilbert soon began his steady decent into despair in which he was soon living out of a dumpster wasting all his money on booze and hotdogs.
That was until he found a "new light" where he was picked up by a group of people known as $cientologists. This group brought Gilbert back to health a became a new role model for Gilbert. Even after 15 years later when he arrested several $cientologists for narcotic dealings, he still thought of each and everyone of them as his savior.
“Screw them! I'm rich again! Still ass-ugly, but righ again!”
~ Gilbert Gottfried on his recient accomplishments
“Screw them! He's rich again! Still ass-ugly, but righ again! Better yet, I'm on his will.”
~ Gilbert's Mother on his recient accomplishments
Soon after, Gilbert got into acting where he now stays, playing roles in famous B movies and making appearances on such shows as "Oprah" and "The David Letterman Show".
[edit] Additional Tidbits of Information
[edit] D.O.B.
It is indeed that known that at one point Gilbert Gottfried was born, however, due to complications, no one on this planet (or any other) knows but he is rumored to have been born as far back as the 1st century. However in other universes (see above) his D.O.B. is known to all.
[edit] Father Abandonment
During early childhood, Gilbert awoke one cold winter morning to the closing of the front (and only) door. Upon his wake, he rushed to the door and yelled to his fleetly moving father, whom was never seeen by the poor child again. However, recient dicoveries have come up announcing that Gottfried's father, Andrew Jackson, indeed did abondon him, leaving him alone in the log cabin on that Feburary morining, but also raided the fridge before he left, and ordered an airstrike on the log cabin, only to hit it's target 219 years later, due to lack of airstrike capabilities in the era.
The response to the airstrike is known as what caused the October 2007 California Fires, luckly the government quickly acted and found a stray hiker to blame it on, after all, the government is perfect.
[edit] World Records
Gilbert Gottfried currently holds two world records, one is the record of living in a log cabin for 219 years with no food and the other is surviving an airstrike targted on a log cabin, both which are formidiable and unlikly to be surpassed.
“The fucker lasted only 218 years, 11 months, 23 days longer than I did, but that doesn't mean I can't break it!”
~ David Blaine on Gilbert's records
