Gingers
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“She is Ginger all over. I'm talking downtown.”
~ Your frat buddy on Gingers
“Well at least it is natural.”
~ The indignant Ginger bitch listening in on Gingers
“I am simultaneously amused and aroused by them.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gingers
“Do you know who was Ginger? Judas. And what did he do? He just killed Jesus, that's all.”
~ Eric Cartman on Gingers
Contents |
[edit] Causes of Gingervitis
Red hair (also referred to as Auburn, Ginger, or Titian) is a hair color that varies from a deep red through to bright copper and sometimes even to orange. It is characterized by high levels of the reddish pigment pheomelanin and relatively low levels of the dark pigment eumelanin. Gingers have no soul, this is the underlining cause of there Gingerness, being tools of the devil they are marked with the colour of there master (ie:red). however not all gingers may present as obviously Ginger. The elusive half-Ginger is produced by the breeding of a Normal with a Ginger, producing offspring who may or may not show the Ginger hair but are most certainly Ginger, right down to there soulless core.
[edit] Characteristics of Gingers
Ginger Opinions
Gingers will normally defend their hair colour by saying such things as:
- It's not Ginger... It's strawberry blonde! Face it, you're Ginger
- I happen to like my hair colour. Weirdo
- I have a boyfriend/girlfriend, thank you. Online, if that
- Comment on the hair colour, and I'll kill you. No real threat
- My mum says I'm beautiful. Only a Ginger would believe their mum
- You're just jealous because you look like everybody else. I, er, dammit you're right!
- Everybody is special. I'm starting to believe that less and less looking at you
- God made me beautiful in my own way! "Errrrrrrr what, was he drunk??...BEER GOGGLES..."
Physical Characteristics
Another common characteristic of the household Ginger is an abnormal amount of freckles on its face. This is why children are attracted to Gingers: they believe they are join-the-dots games. They're also abnormally florescent underneath sunlight, and could power the whole of Hampshire if properly harnessed. Unfortunately, they tend to get irrationally angry at people who try to lock them inside electrical power stations. Gingers try (and fail) to blend in with the normal people by pretending they do not have hair. Also, to cover up their Gingerness, many Gingers will drive around very big, obnoxious, gas-guzzling cars such as Hummers in an attempt to make it harder for the normal people in the world to kick their pale asses.
Ginger Anger
These people have a temper, caused by the years of shunning from normal humans, and also the red incites violence within them. If you mention their hair colour you may receive:
- Infection
- Defenestration
- Castration
- Black eye
- Bites
- Curses
- AIDS
- Your soul being sucked from your body
- Gingivitis -- a common tooth decay which occurs with close proximity to a ginger person, not to be confused with Gingervitis, the overall disease which causes people to become Ginger
- Gingervitis -- oh yeah, you can catch this too, though if you are Ginger you already have this disease, God save you
On Fire For God! It is a common fact known throughout the universe that God created "Gingerness" to be purely a symbol of God's flame burning brightly in our civilisation. This was once misconstrued as a positive, inspiring type of flame, until people noted the curse of Gingerness is only inflicted on people that God hated, at which time it was deduced that the flame of God is really God's desire to burn humanity.
[edit] Finding Gingers
So what about the habitat of these Gingers? Well, it is common knowledge that these Redheads are mainly nocturnal creatures (for the blondes that are reading this- nocturnal means only come out at night like owls) and can be found living in underground habitats. Another good place to search is the hairdressers; because of the amazing amount of hair dye their people need to survive. They can also be hiding amongst the emo population, which is almost as unpopular as the Gingers. They appear often with dyed black hair, as black is the only dye that actually covers ginger. Also it is commonly known that Gingerism can lead to suicidal tendencies; which is why they fit well amongst the emos of the world.
[edit] What to do if you find a Ginger
The most important thing to remember: DO NOT TOUCH IT. If it touches you at any point it WILL consume your soul. Also remember to watch out for the long, sharp claws of the Ginger. With such tools they can latch on to you. If so, call the relevant authorities and have it removed. If after the meeting you start to feel hatred of small animals and there is a reddish tinge in your hair, you have breathed in "Ginger Spores", and you will in fact become a Ginger in the next 35 hours. The Ginger Spores travel into your heart, where Gingervitis is realised as the disease begins to slowly sucks your soul out, leaving a giant Ginger hole. If this happens, please attempt suicide at the next convenient moment.
[edit] Can the Japanese carry the gene?
YES, so watch out! And although the chances of a Japanese Ginger are slim, they will be even more fucked up than normal Gingers. Even worse than Kate Winslet!! And if you think marrying a Jap will save you from having Gingers... think again! However there is hope if you have a Ginger -- special clinics offer human euthanasia... bring a fake ID.
[edit] Do Gingers have souls?
No. Gingers are soulless. This is why Gingers may only die in body, and live for eternity to haunt you with their neon lightings. Ginger people also enjoy trying to suck your soul out too so they can have one. So if ever a Ginger comes towards you, run the opposite direction, or shoot them with a Ginger bullet, available at all Home Depot if you know where to look.
Some radical, free-thinking scientists believe that Gingers do have souls however they are just bad souls, the equivalent of murderers, rapists and dandelions. However the general scientific consensus is that Gingers lack enough soul to not matter enough for real scientific discussion.
[edit] Ginger Statistics
- 324,904 kids are born with Gingervitis a year.
- 10% of kids born with Gingervitis commit suicide by age 16.
- 30% of those infected with Gingervitis live healthy, productive, long lives.
- 20% of those infected with Gingervitis feel great self-hatred, and attempt to bite others in hopes they will spread Gingervitis.
- 15% of all people in the US will at one time be bitten by a child with Gingervitis.
- 12% of those bitten don't know the proper steps to take after being bitten.
- 80% of Ginger kids are totally unaware they are soulless.
- 20% of those infected with Gingervitis know they don’t have souls and pursue a life devoted to Satanism, Paganism, and/or Politics.
- 99% of "real" people take the piss out of Gingers who have dyed their hair because they look even worse.
- 100% of Gingers have Ginger pubes/fire crotch
95% of those infected with Gingervitis believe they are ugly, contagious beasts, resulting in an extreme fear of such common things as:
o Trying on clothes in public dressing rooms
o Sharing food
o Intercourse
o Sharing blood
o Kissing the opposite sex
o Having friends
[edit] Names to call Ginger kids
- Weasley (Ginny, Ron, Fred, George, take your pick)
- Big Red
- Fireball (not the candy type, but the dude-with-chlamydia type)
- Freak
- Freckle-Face
- Ginger (if used repetitively, this simple slur can play a major role in rendering the Ginger race extinct)
- Firecrotch
- Code Red
- Red Alert
- Fanta Pants
- Ginga
- Ranga
- Chutneycrotch
- Ronald McDonald (male or female)
[edit] Ron Weasley and other Daywalker scum
Ron Weasley is leader of the Ginger pack. He is, in fact a member of the elite Ginger group called the "Daywalkers." These are Gingers who are somehow able to join the rest of society between the months of May and August without getting sunburn. Most Gingers, however, consider Daywalkers to be the scum of the Gingers (while secretly quietly weeping into their embroidered pillows every night, aching with the desire to see a summer's day).
Weasley's hair has been terrifying kids for about 5 years now. He reproduced and created even more of his kind. THIS MUST BE STOPPED. If you see a Ginger walking down the street, grab them and shave all the ginger hair off. Then get the bald head and burn it so no ginger hair can ever grow again. This will only squelch one Ginger symptom, but it is a start.
[edit] Ginger jokes
Q: Why did the Ginger try to cross the road? A: To get to the fire extinguisher!
Q: What happened when the Ginger tried to cross the road? A: He got run over due to the colour of his hair.
Q: What do you get if you cross a biscuit, a gay, a fatty, and at least one Irishman?
A: A Ginger
Q: What do you get if you cross a Ginger and a power station?
A: A Duracell battery
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A dead Ginger that was posing as an emo
(Applause)
