Girls Aloud
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“What I wouldn't do to that Stephen Hawking...”
“Is that the band with the ginger one in and the shitty Irish one that no-one understands?”
~ Amelle Berrabah on Girls Aloud
Girls Aloud is an all girl group Post-Hardcore grunge band from England. They consist of Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy) (nee Cole) (nee Tweedy) (nee Michael Jackson) (Long Story, see below) , Nicola "ugly ginger one" Roberts, Sarah Harding (not that chick from The Lost World: Jurassic Park), Stephen Hawking and Nadine Coyle. Recent scientific research has concluded that the band have unmistaken Biology.
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[edit] History
The band was formed during a competition for England's Next Top Whore. The winners who formed Girls Aloud were found to have the most sexually transmitted diseases, grossest pubic hair, and moneymaker shaking ability in the UK. The prize was a bikini wax and ten minutes in the recording studio.
Nicola Roberts got into the band because another contestant, Nicola Ward, decided she didn't want money and after a long search for another girl named Nicola she was chosen as the Nicola of the band.
The band was named after they were not loud into a tanning booth due to their being a over booking of elephants taking up the toilets.
The bands first single was a huge success, mainly because the only other songs avaliable to buy at the time was a song about rust (Sacred Rust) and a song about touching someones bum.
After the first single was released a whole bunch of the other stuff happened but I can't be bothered writing it right now.
[edit] Band Members
[edit] Nadine Coyle
Nadine is supposed to be the most messed-up girl in Girls Aloud. Nadine showed up to several concerts nude on stage. This subsequently caused all their next gigs to be sold out. Coyle has Tourettes, causing her to randomly touch herself and shout on stage. She recently was spotted dumping Jesse Metcalfe, star of Desperate Housewives, because he "ate too many fortune cookies and sexed too many Azn chinks". Nadine has starred in 9 pornographical movies, and was voted the "Girls Aloud Member Most Likely To Blow A 13 Year Old". Five weeks later, it was revealed that Nadine did indeed blow a 13 year old.
[edit] Cheryl Cole (knee Tweedy)
Cheryl Cole is fit. End of. She was previously married to Ashley Cole but he turned out to be a girl and was only interested in men when in 2006 he was photographed as part of a homosexual orgy. She later married Joe Cole (son of Nat King Cole) in order to keep the same surname and not have to update her passport and credit cards.
[edit] Nicola Roberts
Nicola Julia Roberts is the least repulsive readhead the record companies could find and the best living definition of the term "bottom of the barrel" girls. She's been described as "a modern day Medusa, don't look at any part of her, or you may be turned to shag carpet"
Since joining the band, as both the groups Nicola and the groups redhead, she has written two songs "I Said A Prayer For You And A Few Other People I Know Including This Guy I Just Met At The Bus Stop" and "It's A Kind Of Magic (But Not Like The Kind of Magic in The Queen Song Of The Same Name)".
[edit] Stephen Hawking
Stephen Hawking is known as the best singer in Girls Aloud, though - as the other girls are all jealous - he rarely gets to do a chorus on his own. In 2006, he was voted second "Girls Aloud Member Most Likely To Discover Unifying Theory Of Everything", after Nadine. Some have said he resembles Kimberley Walsh who was a whore in Les Misérables, however those people are stupid as she looks nothing like him at all aside from them both being humans.
[edit] Sarah Harding
Sarah Harding is the token lesbian in any girl group. She calls herself a dyke. Amen, sister. A little advice for the muncher of rugs: keep one hair style, it gets confusing when you don't look like a whore.
She filed a lawsuit in 1997 against Ian Malcolm after he claimed in the film The Lost Word: Jurassic Park that there was only one Sarah Harding on the dinosaur island when after Nick Van Owen shouted "Sarah Harding!" Malcolm replied "How many Sarahs do you think are on this island?". The lawsuit was dismissed when it was discovered after 7 months of research that Ian Malcolm didn't actually exist.
[edit] Discography
- Sound Of People Under The Ground (2003)
- What Will The Neighbours Say When They Find Out That Sarah's A Dyke? (2004)
- Gynecology (2005)
- The Sound Of Girls Aloud In Bed (Sarah's Fantasy): The so-called "Hits". (2006)
- Screwed Up (2007)
[edit] Singles
- Sound of People Under the Ground (2002)
- No Good, Add Lice (2003)
- Shower Got Cold (2003)
- Jump! Cheryl's A Tranny!!! (2003)
- The Showing Of The Supersymmetric String Theory: Is 26 Dimensions Too Much? (also known as The Show) (2004)
- Tap That Love Machine (2004)
- Up The Bum = No Babies (2004)
- Wake Me Up (After Last Night) (2005)
- Long Hot Night With A Dike (Sarah's Song) (2005)
- Mix Our Biologies (2005)
- See The Day Sarah's Gay! (2005)
- Whole Lotta History Between Nadine And Hugh Hefner (2006)
- Something Kinda... Unh! Cheryl, Go Faster! (2006)
- I Think We're Alone Now.. So Let's Fuck (2006)
- Fuck This Way (with SourSlutz) (2007)
- Sex? Yes,Yes,Yes!...(2007)
- Call The Cops (Nadine's Got a Gun!)(2007)
- Can't Speak French, But I'll Fuck You Anyway(2008)
