Glenn Beck
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jackboots. It will be Nike sneakers and smiley shirts. Smiley-smiley.”
~ Glenn Beck on the war with liberal fascists and why Glenn Beck is only funny when he is not trying to be
Glenn Beck (formerly known as Gwen Beck, Ernest Glenningway, Glenethy Paltrow or Robo-Rim 3000), constructed (see below) in the mid to late 70's, is a conservative propagandist freedom fighter and an asshole entirely trustworthy source of news. Glenn is well known for his desire to brainwash inform and educate you, so you can see the benefits of supporting warfare, chaos, denying global warming, and creating a worldwide apocalypse. This is all, of course, insane, dogmatic nonsense what any decent, God fearing American would think in today's troubled world.
He beams his propaganda highly informative brand of programming all over the USA and brainwashes reeducates his listeners with his pointless, rambling charismatic voice and his twirly hypnotic mind control machine. He works tirelessly to spread his ill-formed, childish opinions wisdom with his radio and television show Glenn Beck- Thinking, so you wont have to.. He is also to work with the newly renamed Conservative News Network. If you are a liberal, you should definitely read this article, because there are several warnings about Glenn Beck's propaganda lots of good, sound, well reasoned arguments that will help you convert to a true Beck believer!
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Glenn Beck was not, in fact born, but built. He was originally created by Ron Jeremy as the worlds first anamatronic stunt cock, but malfunctioned, becoming fixed on "ass lick" mode. For several years he ran amok across the mid west, licking any ass that was unlucky (or maybe lucky, if you swing that way) enough to cross his path.
The skills he learned as an oral/anal sex robot put him in good sted as a conservative pundit, as he came fully equipped with the skills needed to spew shit and lick George Bush's rear end.
He eventually found work as Becko the Rodeo Clown, which would prove to be his first step into show business. He soon showed he had a great skill in distracting the bulls, as he had an innate ability to communicate with them, even seeming to learn their language and speak to them directly. This was skill he would retain for the rest of his life. To this day, people who encounter Glenn often comment on how he speaks more bull then anyone else.
Perhaps this is where Glenn's story might have ended, but one fateful day Rupert Murdock decided to take a rest from attempting to control all media and took his family out to the rodeo. Murdock saw some spark in this plucky, rotund, ass-licking clown and decided to make him a star.
Rupert quickly arranged for Glenn to be kidnapped and reprogramed. His new mission was to infiltrate CNN and destroy that bastion of left wing anti-americanism from the inside (much as Anne Coulter had done to the conservative movement). A false back story was then created, stating he had been a washed up rent boy who found religion and became a television personality (which, if you accept Rupert Murdock as God, conservativism as a religion and add in that hes really a robot, is pretty close to the truth!) He secured a position as a TV host, with the bosses at CNN keen on his concept of a low brow, overly opinionated, soap box for ignorance format. CNN had been losing out in the ratings war to Fox's Bill O'Reilly, who was slaughtering them in the key inbred-red-necks-who-cant-find-Iraq-on-a-map-but-still-want-to-bomb-it demographic. The show has proved a massive hit, combining a heady mix of dumbed down news, ill informed opinions, right wing bias and lots of propaganda against which ever country America is likely to invade next.
[edit] Mormon Controversy
For a long time, Glenn Beck was believed to be a Mormon. Some experts, however, have recently suggested that Glenn Beck is not, in fact, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Rather than being a Mormon, many now believe Glenn Beck is in reality a Moron. Though these two words may sound similar, and can both coexist at the same time, on many occasions during his broadcasts, Glenn Beck has stated beliefs and ideas that are very close to Orthodox Moron teachings. These include (but are not limited too) supporting George Bush, being a conservative media figure while claiming the entire media is part of liberal conspiracy, eating horse feces, believing Jar Jar Binks both improved The Phantom Menance with his presence and that it is Liberal Fascists that are to blame for the world's problems, the hemp smoking bastards! If he truly is a member of this religion, then Glenn Beck is one of the most fundamental followers of Moronism in the world today.
[edit] Real Glen Beck quotes
Seriously we aren't making this up:
- “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.” (2003)
- "I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it." (2005)
- "When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." (2005)
- “The only Katrina victims we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.” (2005)
- “Let me tell you something, there ain’t nothing better than looking at a hot, naked chick.” (2006)
[edit] Glenn Beck on stopping WW3
Glenn Beck has, for many years warned that Al Gore is in fact a Nazi, intent on taking over the world using global warming as a propaganda tool to brainwash our youth into becoming Liberal Facists.
“You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler's plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore's enemy, the U.N.'s enemy: global warming. Then you get the scientists -- eugenics. You get the scientists -- global warming. Then you have to discredit the scientists who say, 'That's not right.' And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did.”
~ Glenn Beck on why his quotes are so funny I don't even have to make them up.
Clearly, from the above argument we can see that Al Gore is a Nazi and possibly a baby murderer. Lets face it, if Hitler saw a Jewish baby, he would obviously try to kill it. So if Al Gore saw a baby causing global warming (such as by farting, or being driven around in a car) he would do everything in his power to kill it! When Hitler had a really big army, he started world war 2. Now aren't you grateful Al Gore lost that election in Florida due to hanging chads?
[edit] Glenn Beck on starting WW3
Glenn loves war, its fan-fucking-tastic, especially when its against Muslims! Glenn Beck is keen to see us fight the war abroad in Iraq, Afghanistan and (if Glenn was really good this year and Santa grants his wish) Iran. But he also courageously fights the war on the home front, unfairly insulting and offending seeking out and apprehending innocent muslim Americans evil rag-head terrorist dune bunnies, before they can walk out in disgust cause another 9/11! Take this example, when he challenged Muslim American congressman evil terrorist mastermind and Osama lover Keith Ellison-
“prove to me that you are not working with our enemies....And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way. ”
~ Glenn Beck on why when he speaks the comedy writes itself
Since its impossible to prove a negative (ie you cannot prove you DIDN'T commit a crime), following Glenn's retarded masterful argument it must be assumed that since Muslims have failed to prove they are not terrorists, all Muslims (ESPECIALLY those in America) are terrorists and are most likely strapped with suicide belts as we speak! America has Glenn to thank for showing us the way on this issue.
Glenn Beck also believes that if you are going to start senseless wars that kill thousands fight for freedom, you should do it properly! No half measures! We need a good, old fashioned, nuke war!
“Why do we have these weapons? Why have we developed these weapons if we're afraid to use them? And I got news for you: I'm afraid to use them because I know exactly what would happen. Everybody would come out of the woodwork saying how horrible we are and we're despicable human beings and now we're using nuclear weapons. I think we need to change the name of the weapon. I think we just need to come up with some sort of politically correct name. Something, I don't know -- this isn't it, but like a butterfly bomb. Aw, look, it's like a little butterfly. We could paint it all psychedelic colors; everybody in San Francisco would be like, "Aw, ain't that like a little butterfly?" Vaporization. I think we'd have a better chance of dropping it. ”
~ Glenn Beck on on how liberal fascists are keeping America from its God given mission to destroy all life on Earth
[edit] Glenn Beck on Mature Debate
Glenn Beck is known for his wit and clever word play. Many have called him the fuckwit Oscar Wilde of our times. Whether hes calling Cindy Sheenan a "pretty big prostitute", saying that Al Gore is a Nazi (comparable to both Hitler and Joseph Goebbels), calling Hilary Clinton a "stereotypical bitch", explaining that liberals are in fact fascists, complaining that liberals compare their enemies to fascists or expressing his sexual fantasies about strangling Michael Moore while getting a rim job from Dick Cheney, Glenn Beck always leaves his critics stumped by his quick witted and cutting remarks. Glenn Beck is always careful not to corrupt his arguments with any egg headed, ivory-tower "facts" or "evidence", instead using the honest, straight forward, gut feeling based techniques of mud slinging, name calling and rude hand gestures.
Just look at how he insults people who just lost their homes strikes a blow against the enemies in our midst that God has chosen to punish!
“I think there is a handful of people who hate America. Unfortunately for them, a lot of them are losing their homes in a forest fire today.”
~ Glenn Beck on why people who lost their homes in 2007 forest fires in California had it comming
[edit] Glenn Beck Videos, Warning may contain Conservative Propaganda
Our lawyers advise you not to stare too deeply into Glenn Beck's eyes while watching these videos, or else you might be brainwashed into converting over to conservatism.
- Glenn Beck explains Superdelegates:
- Glenn Beck on illegal immigration:
- Glenn Beck shows evidence that video games will destroy America's freedom:
- Glenn Beck smooth talking love machine:
- Glenn Beck interviews Benjamin Netanyahu and finds out that Iran is Nazi Germany of 1938:
- Glenn Beck talks about the real problem facing America, Communism in the form of Universal Healthcare and other Social programs:
- Glenn Beck accuses our saintly leader Al Gore of being a liar on global warming:
- Glenn Beck accuses Nobel Prize winner Al Gore of stealing footage from the Day After Tomorrow:
- Glenn Beck accuses the USA of being a suicidal super power:
- Glenn Beck interviews Ben Stein, who claims Darwinism and Evolution where used by Nazis in Germany, and Atheists like Richard Dawkins (Dawkins said a space alien created life on Earth) and now Germany invented an euthanasia pill for a new holocaust on sick, disabled, and elderly people in the name of Universal Health Care supported by American liberals who want to bring that to the USA and the rest of the world:
[edit] Glenn Beck's Minions and how you can be one too!
There are many mindless, brainwashed drones, too vacant to think for themselves any more, instead wolfing down the shit this tubby moron spews out of their televisions and rams down their throats people who enjoy Glenn Beck's work.
Why dont you go and watch Glenn Beck on television?
Or listen to him on the radio?
Or buy one of his fantastic books?
Or, if you are an attractive young woman, Glenn has some time and a camera, so why dont you stop by?
Life can be so stressful, thinking about all your problems.
Wouldn't it be easier to have someone else think for you? Someone who can throw out simple, jingoistic solutions to difficult problems?
Why not let Glenn think for you?
He cares about you. Glenn cares about all of us.
Just look at the pictures of Glenn on this page.
Doesn't he look friendly? Stare at him and you will feel your problems melt away.
You are feeling sleepy now, why dont you rest your mind? Let Glenn take over.
When you hear Glenn's voice you will feel happy.
You will think about how right he is and how much you love him.
To not agree with Glenn will cause you pain! Terrible, icky pain!
Now you will become one of us...
One of us....
One of us....
[edit] External Links
- Glenn Beck-Wikipedia
- Glenn Beck Radio Propaganda
- Glenn Beck propaganda
- Liberal Fascist Doctors Botched Glenn Beck's colon surgery
- Glenn Beck says Global Warming is a Liberal Fascist Plot
- Glenn Beck talks about Liberal/Vegetarian Fascism ruining America
- Liberal Fascism
- The Book that started it all!
- The Glenn Beck program
- How Glenn Beck handles Liberal Fascist callers
- Liberal Fascism recap
