Global warming
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“You mean the beach is coming to us?”
~ 2nd Grader on the positive side of global warming
“In Soviet Russia, Global warming causes YOU!!!”
~ Russian Reversal on global warming
Global warming, also known as International House Warming, is a STUPID theory by a bunch of tree-hugging liberal hippies that states unless we go back and live in caves, the polar ice caps will melt and life as we know it will cease to exist. This theory comes from a bunch of idiotic scientists who really have no clue what they're talking about...after all, they're only scientists, who ever wants to listen to them? I mean sure, I admit they were right about the world being round...and the planets going around the sun... and lightning being caused by opposite charges between the earth and the sky, not Zeus...and worms and rats not appearing out of nowhere...and stars being balls of gas burning millions of miles away, not holes in heaven...and the brain being the center of the nervous system, not the heart...and lead poisoning being able to kill you...and cigarettes being bad for you, and everything else ever discovered or invented, but still! They're wrong! does it feel hot in here?
They're all a bunch of liberal crackpots who have a political agenda, so who wants to listen to them? It is almost exclusively believed by left wing bleeding-heart Democrats who are influenced by rich environmental lobby groups and opposed to the economy and anyone with a job. One of these bleeding heart socialist Democrats, Al Gore, has made a propaganda video regarding global warming entitled An Inconvenient Truth which uses heartless fear-mongering, and all kinds of heartless, cruel, un-American facts in an attempt to get people to consume less and sabotage the American economy, culminating in Ford going out of business, which will mean that the terrorists will win. Liars would never use this type of fear mongering for political gain, never! So stop criticizing us, after all, you don't want the terrorists to come get you, right? These global warming people are the same tree hugging hippies that said DDT was bad for the environment back in the 70s and 80s!
[edit] Evidence of Global Warming
Global warming has largely been caused by the farts of Dick Cheney. While a normal fart contains only a trace of methane, (which is a powerful greenhouse gas) Dick Cheney's farts are almost 100% methane. Power companies from USA are already trying to tap in this inexhaustible souce of methane. But Cheney is firmly holding onto the gas, to run his private jets.
The decrease in the number of pirates has been cited by these stupid, tree-hugging hippies as proof that humans are irreversibly raping our planet. This does not mean anything though, as everyone knows that pirate disappearance is due largely to their continued war with ninjas. Temperatures have been known to be bouncing around constantly and reached record highs since the hottest period of mankind, the Ice Age. Of course, these "bouncings" were all minor and had natural causes, but so does this! I'll get back to you later about what the natural cause is, but I assure you that there is one! These are just natural fluctuations in the temperature; in fact, it is estimated that by the year 2009, the world will stop getting warmer, and stay at a consistent Infinity degrees farrenheit...Humans aren't the cause of global warming! They also aren't the cause of deforestation, or pollution of any kind! I read on Fox News that pollution is actually good, and we should actually make more of it! So there's nothing to worry about!
Even if global warming is true, which it probably isn't, the Bible (even if it's true, which it probably isn't) clearly states that we can not put animals and the environment ahead of human beings. Bleeding heart left wing socialist flag-burning children claim that global warming will have a profound impact on Earth. Some even say that New York will be underwater, but why would anyone not want that to happen? It'll make a great place to take a submarine! Some other bleeding wing left heart socialist child-burning tree huggers insist that the melting polar ice caps will permit antediluvian diseases to thrive. But who cares? We need less people on Earth anyway! There is some evidence that religious fanatics across America may be jumping on the environmental bandwagon, but our brave leader George W. Bush is helping to putting an end to that by branding anyone who speaks out against global warming as an environmental-Nazi.
[edit] Global Warming Season
With the announcement of Polar Bears being an endangered species stricter hunting laws have been placed on them. This, however does not do much so a new step was taken: Global Warming Season.
It is now legal (and encouraged) to hunt global warming. See some warm air? Shoot it. Found some aerosol? Shoot it. See someone driving a hummer? Blow up the hummer. Do your part today to fight global warming and save the polar bears.
[edit] Recent Developments
The active hurricane season of 2005 has been cited by radical communists as confirmation of global warming. Conservatives have fought back, though, citing the fact that 2006 had one less hurricane than 2005, therefore everything scientists have ever said is automatically false. In The Ward Ice Shelf incident, a huge-ass piece of ice the size of Maryland broke off Antarctica. But who the fuck cares? It made bigger waves for beaches. Cool! Global warming will make beaches have better business! Plus, the incident was proven to have occurred in one of two ways; either it was broken up because of a terrorist attack, because terrorists love attacking natural objects like ice-shelves, rocks and sticks, or the satellite image taken by scientists was doctored and no break up actually occurred, and the subsequent rising in sea level was just pretend. While most people ignore these recent developments, a few agree that global warming is in fact true, but they do not think we should do anything about it because Ronald Reagan is coming soon anyways and the world will soon be destroyed in Armageddon. This is certainly true. After all, look how fucked up the world is! The only possible explanation for all the increases in hurricanes, droughts, and wildfires, not to mention the rise in temperature, is that Ronald Reagan is coming! I can't think of any other explanation for the fucked-up climate, other than global warming...oh, but Fox News says it doesn't exist, so that can't be the reason!!! I know that people have been disagreeing with scientists, but been proved wrong, for years...but that was different! We're right this time! My T-Shirt says so!!!
[edit] Oxygen: A primary suspect?
Some "scientists" and plain morons accuse oxygen of being the main cause of Global Warming. The main argument is that if there was no oxygen, the human race wouldn't exist, and henceforth the process of global warming would not exist. This has sparked a movement among a minority of scientists to decrease the oxygen levels in the earth's atmosphere to the point when humans can no longer live, killing off all humans and ending the process. Commentators have noted the possibility that a spelling mistake in the UN is responsible and that the answer was simply "I'm going outside for some fresh air".
[edit] Ways to Stop Global Warming
- Catch ManBearPig, dead or alive, and take him to Al Gore, aka Moron, preferable alive.
- Become a pirate
- Everyone in desert states turn on your A/C units with the doors open
- Spray one can of aerosol spray into the air everyday. Make sure it's NOT CFC free!
- Don't use regular weed killer, use DDT
- Have a tire fire blazing at all times on your property.
- Heat your house with electric heaters. There is no pollution, is there?
- Buy an SUV.
- Desert civilization and start living off the land again (This means no computers okay?)
- Don't vandalize this page
- Don't vote Republican(global warming disappears when democrats win!)
- Vote Communism
- Burn down your neighbourhood
- Assasinate Al Gore, ironically by replacing his Nobel Prize with a stick of Dynamite (invented by Alfred Nobel).
- Become paranoid
- Call it something else, oh no hang on, they've already renamed it 'Climate Change'.
- Enter a 'Warm Age'
- Sign a Petition to delete the word "GlobalWarming" from the dictionary
- Ban the organizing of conferences involving thousands of global warming believers flying (usually at public expense) to exotic locations to discuss how to stop global warming by stopping people flying, and driving, and well, everything really.
- Burn down the sun.
- Deny that Global Cooling was the theory before Global Warming by burning every copy of Newsweek that reported Global Cooling. Of course, the theory of global cooling was disproved after about 4 months whereas the theory of global warming has been around since the '80s...but still. This is a totally legitimate argument.
- Take Al Gore's advice and buy an iPod or Mac because he personally approves of all Apple technology to be green and helps fight global warming.
- Find some way of raising the Global Sea Level. This in turn will flood low lying industrial areas, eliminating their wasteful factories and populances.
- Sort out every Liberal/global warmist/tree-hugger through a complex, and highly accurate battery of tests. Then, build a large wall around California, and pile all of them in it. Dig it free, and float it out to sea. Then never mention Global Warming again.
- Buy a Bowing 747 and fly it everywhere. Even the corner shop. (Just dont go to Iraq)
- Go to Windows task manager, click Globalwarming.exe and click End Process.
[edit] Knights of the Order of Global Warming
In recent months, the debate over global warming has spawned a new breed of fanatics. These fanatics have no friends. Led by Grand Wizard Al Gore and based along side the Knights Templar, the KOGW have become increasingly violent in their attempts to quell any further debate about or questioning of global warming.
From its inception, the KOGW has been violently combative of dissenting points of view. This steadfast doctrine first boiled into open combat on May 22, 1997, when a company of KGOW engaged, defeated and then massacred large force of Teutons and Republicans at the Battle of Waterloo. Several battalions of Doubters quickly poured into the field but were equally routed and crushed by the courageous leadership of Grand Wizard Gore. With more and more followers flocking to his standard, the KGOW expanded its operations and forced the surrender of Brussels.
Though it may never be proven, it is widely believed that Grand Wizard Gore personally authorized the creation of death squads to weed out all who doubted the validity of An Inconvenient Truth. Within a year more than one hundred thousand were maimed, ten thousand lay dead and several hundred lay asleep in bed.
[edit] Global warming is a good thing
If you stop and think about it global warming is a good thing. The oceans would rise so it would be eaiser to go to the beach, and if the tops of mountains melt then the whole family can climb Mt. Everest. Nobody will have to plow their driveway anymore! Sure, a couple million people will be out of their cities...sure, it'll be the biggest crisis involving the mass loss of homes in history...but who cares? It won't happen within the next week, so why deal with it now? It'll be truly awesome when it comes anyway, because my house will be closer to the beach. And sure, New Orleans will be pretty much gone...but who cares about them either? They're only black people!
[edit] Global Warming: the Video Game
Inspired by the incredible indifference to global warming among the general public, Electronic Arts has created a game based on Global Warming called Global Warming: the Video Game. The game is an extreme challenge. The basic goal of the game is to continue emitting carbon dioxide into the atmosphere for as long as possible while simultaneously looking for any possible way to deny the existence of global warming. You play the part of the leader of a country, and you get to design the layout of the country, building as many coal power plants and gas-guzzling cars as possible in order to boost your own economy. Also, you must manage the people of your country by doing everything you can to suppress and discredit scientists who say global warming exists, from paying them to say it doesn't exist, to blindly labeling them as "hippies" and "treehuggers." The game is extremely difficult, especially as time passes and many of the people begin to see that global warming really is a major issue. As leader in the game, your choices are as follows: continue to ignore the problem and keep pumping carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, or accept that it is a problem and try to solve it before it is too late. Most people hated the game when it was released, because there is no way to win: if you accept that global warming is a problem in the game, then you get discredited and ultimately condemned for trying to suppress it when you knew that it was actually a genuine threat, and if you don't accept that it's a problem, and continue to pollute the atmosphere, your house gets submerged under 50 feet of water and your country collapses into a raging pool of anger, anarchy and despair. After the release of Global Warming: the Video Game, EA Games released two more "climate crisis" games, one based on Global Cooling and the other based on Global Boring.
[edit] Global Warming Activists
- Jimmy Carter
- Al Gore
- Stephen Harper
- Michael Jackson
- Elizabeth May
- Michael Moore
- Ralph Nader
- David Suzuki
- Adolf Hitler
- Margaret Thatcher (She started it)
- Wikipedia Global Warming Zealots
[edit] Other Theories
[edit] Global warming, God's Greatest fuck up so far
So, certainly you have noticed the sudden changes in weather patterns as of late, if you have not, you will certainly have been told by people who are much cleverer than you that you have. Well, Most people have, except for n00bs, goths, and George Bush. Either way, unlike Al Gore claims, Global Warming is NOT caused by lax pollution regulations and the Chinese, and unlike Walt Disney's severed head claims, is not caused by the jews and or Gypsies. The truth is, Global Warming was brought upon by...CHRIST. Jesus was hanging out with Black Jesus and smoking a toke at the time when he noticed that the thermostat was a little low. Apparently, after the ice age, it hadn't been turned all the way up. So, completely oblivious to the fact that humans had become quite accustomed to not dying from heat stroke, Jesus turned up the heat.
In recent interviews with Jesus on this fatal blunder Jesus had this to say:
"If I can just borrow a phrase from a close friend of mine, 'if you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of hell.'"
Investigation into why the thermostat was not turned back down had God saying
"I never really liked humanity anyway"
[edit] Large fuel emissions are fixing the problem of large fuel emissions
We, quite obviously, have a problem with large fuel emissions; there is no dispute about that (but if you are going to dispute that: nobody cares about your opinion). We have cars everywhere zooming around and spewing out gas. So we need to find a way to get rid of the cars. What immediately comes to mind is Venice, Italy. They NEVER use cars. Ever. And why don’t they use cars? Water. Lots and lots of water everywhere you look. So we need to follow their example and fill our streets with water.
This raises the question of where we are going to obtain these large volumes of water. Scientists have found a solution to that, as well. Sea voyagers and explorers have discovered, on both poles of the earth, large quantities of frozen water. Its just sitting there and not being put to use. So, we need to find a way to melt these so called “Caps of polar ice” or “Ice-y polar caps”.
The perfect way to melt these massive ice islands is to burn as much fossil fuel as possible, so as to lower the temperature of the globe. This will raise the height of the ocean, and, consequently, fill the streets of coastal cities worldwide, with liberating, problem-solving water. Once the streets are filled with water, they’ll be just like Venice; no carbon emissions. They can get around in boats. And there, the problem is solved. No more global warming!
[edit] Global warming as food
Global warming, the climate change THEORY, is not to be confused with global warming, the latest new food craze among the middle classes. Considered the height of fashion, this hot dish has been around for many, many, years, but only now is benefitting from a resurgence in popularity. As a result of its strong association with gas accumulation, it is best enjoyed by heartily patting one's dinner guests on the back - in what could be likened to a self-serving congratulatory manner. Dissident social activists suggest a link between the popularity of global warming, and a sharp increase in pleasuring one's self in public, although attempts to link this to disturbances in the ecosystem have so far proved fruitless.
[edit] See Also
- A Group to increase carbon footprint on facebook!
- What the fuck are these guys thinking?
- Global Panic
- Liberal
- Democrat
- Australian Greens
- Santa Claus (reason being: his lawn, igloo, toy shop, etc., are melting)
- Ice cream (the real reason)nn:Global oppvarming
