Gloucester

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Gloucester is a relatively small metropolis on the outskirts of Cheltenham. It was first discovered in 50 AD by Doctor Foster, who visited Gloucester in a shower of rain, leading to an unfortunate incident involving the Three Bears, Jesus, and a puddle.

Gloucester is linked to Cheltenham via a special tunnel, the Golden Bypass which allows local cyclists to have a painless death and to tether the huge donut located on the Cheltenham side. The tunnel is of strategic importance as since it was completed border skirmishes have ceased.

The people of Gloucester, commonly known as "Farmers", usually use tractors to get from A to B. Those that can't afford tractors make their own cheese, or buy the locally made Gloucester Brie, and roll it in front of them to wherever they need to go. This is called Cheese Rolling, or sommat. It is second only to cereal killing and the plague as the biggest cause of death in Gloucester.

The city itself has a splendid cathedral with a 1000ft high spire. The cathedral was made in the art deco style, out of scaffolding, with a limestone feature that many consider unsightly. There is even a gargoyle of Harry Potter, whose ghost often walks the cloisters. Next to the Cathedral is a school where all the Kings go.

A river called 'Severn' (which has nothing in common with the great almighty 7 - you'll understand if you ever hear a local speak) passes nearby which provides transport on surfboard to Tewkesbury and Birmingham.

Gloucester is plagued by thousands of Woodlanders from the nearby Wood of Dean, who enter the city from a mystical portal called "The Highnam Roundabout". The Woodlanders all belong to the same family. Their favourite phrase is "'Ow bist, ol' butt?" which loosely translates to "Get off my land, brother!". They came to fame in the 1970's when they launched a pop-group: The Woodlander 6. They topped the UK singles charts with such hits as "XYZ", "I Want You Off My Land", "I'll Be Somewhere", and "Blame It On The Boobie". Their fame came to an end when, in 1979, Mickey, the youngest member of the band, went off to have a solo career. He was famous for wearing only one sparkly sock, and changing his appearance every week with the aid of a collection of Halloween masks. His biggest hit was "Norma Jean".

To the north there are a series of vineyards that produce wine. Unfortunately none of the locals know this as its largely consumed by the French.

In the city centre, there are five main streets: Northgate Street, Southgate Street, Eastgate Street, Westgate Street, and Diagon Alley. The main landmarks of the city are Debenhams, Toys'R'Us, Cromwell Street, Barry's Disco Centre and the brand-new, state of the art leisure centre, GL1.5. The city even has two Marks & Spencers - yes two! The most exclusive area to live is Barton Street, with the worse area being Longlevens and Upton St. Leonards, where crime is on the increase.

Gloucester is the birthplace of many famous people such as Marcus Mayo, Richie Rich, Obi Wan Kenobi, Harry Potter, Jackie Kabler, Krusty the Clown, Bodger, from Bodger and Badger, Fireman Sam, and Seven of Nine, to name but a few.

Children were first forced to go to church here by a local tyrant, Roberto Rakes.

Top local entertainments include the Fighting District located towards the top of Eastgate street where locals gather every Friday night. Other local past times include inbreeding and baby bell chasing.

Gloucester also has the best rugby team in the whole of the UK. The team play its ruger matches at a groung called Kingsholm. I think what the founders meant to call it was KingsHome, but then again people from Gloucester generally cant spell. There is one stand at ingsholm called the Shed. Originally this is where the rugby plays kept there cattle while they were playing rugby, but then funny people started to drive the cattle away. These people are now called "shed Heads" and can only really say two things, the first being "Glawster" or "C'mon Glos" and the second being, "The refere's a wanker" Or "Same old Leicester, always cheeting".

[edit] Tourist Attractions

• The bible bashers preaching outside Debenhams
• The one legged old woman with uncommonly thick facial hair who gets off the bus outside the Cathedral at 10:15am every morning
• The dead badger slowly being ground into the road on the way to Dursley
• Barry's Disco Centre
• Halfords
• 17 Girls who made pregnancy pact. One of them even slept with a homeless guy to get pregneant.
• Correction... there was no pregnancy pact... she just likes sleeping with homeless guys.
• The 18th century bog exhibit outside Boots.
• The rabbit roundabout