Goat
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“The goat is the hardest move to perfect, and if you do, you are a master of the Penis Showing Game. The goat is worth 5 points”
~ Ryan Reynolds on 'The Goat', from the film 'Waiting'.
“Punching goats is generally what I want to do.”
~ Oscar Wilde on goats.
- A summary of goat. No more research is available, as all field researchers were consumed in their studies.
Contents |
[edit] Goat facts
Goats are excellent hunters, as they are evolved dragons. Their front legs are extended, and they have evolved to have large, spikey horns, a result of purposeful breeding with Satan and formidable demons, making it a more formidable predator. Another byproduct of this breeding is the blood of a goat, which upon consumption will have the same effect as drinking liquid magma.
Their sense of hearing is astronomical, as they can hear everything within a twenty-kilometer radius. You can never sneak up on a goat, not even ninja's. Goats are flatulent after hunting, with a digestive system which is roughly as acidic as Hydrochloric Acid, expelling a gas which is harnessed to create VX nerve gas (found in popular media in movies such as "The Rock"). The goat is also able to use this as a defensive mechanism against higher members of the food chain, such as grues.
Sir David Attenborough has announced the goat the fifth deadliest animal on this planet behind Chuck Norris, Grues, KFC Chickens, Kittens and Mr T.
Drinking small amounts of goats blood (Magma) is an important part of many terrorist organisation initiation rites, as survival is totally based on luck. This proves that the participant is willing to commit suicide for other people.
[edit] Location
Goats are not confined to any specific landmass or environment. As they are 5th of the food chain they are able to sustain themselves wherever they reside. Popular locations include Nepal, Uganda, P.E.T.A. compounds and Siberia. Goats are also partial to tourism. To accoplish this they use the dried skin of prey to form a complex wing set. They then use rising air currents to travel vast distances. Pilfered circus cannons are also a speedy form of travel for goats, but often do not have the neccassary power and range. Therefore the 7 Arch-Goats have set their human slaves to building railroad cannons based on Nazi models. These have allowed a much higher rate of intercontinental travel.
[edit] Breeding Habits
Goats have evolved over time by Chinese Olympic Team-like breeding programs involving Demons and Satan. They are also often found raping specimens which are under paralysis from their gasseous discharge, or pinned down post-Drop Bearing. Interesting offspring result from these encounters, including Sea Cucumbers (a result of human rape).
Goats have adopted Spider post-breeding rituals, namely: the consumption of the breeding partner. Notable excepetions include Satan and higher demons. This is an act of kindness, as the partner's teeth have been knocked out as a result of goat preferences for rough throat fucking, meaning the victim would not be able to feed in future.
[edit] Habitat
Goats have the tendency to inhabit trees and caves. When in trees they adopt drop bear tactics learnt from Australian mammals. Whilst in caves their noxious gasses act as a defense, as any being without a full chemical suit invading this habitat will have it's skin bubble and melt off, followed by total paralysis. The goat will then eat this specimen. In this reguard they have adopted a "Venus Fly Trap" strategy in attaining food.
[edit] Population and Living Conditions
Most goats live in small family groups in caves and trees, as mentioned earlier. Some species of goats are known to live in large communities like gypsies, living as squatters on human-owned grasslands. Goats are often confused as to why their subordinates, the humans, consider the presence of the goats to be as a result of a decision they have made. Goats living as squatters use mind control on humans in order to attain a free livestock truck ride to a new location.
The last survey of goat populations found that there are anywhere between 20 and 97 million worldwide, based on the amount of surveyors failed to return, presumably raped and eaten.
Goats have been known to frequent New Zealand, to torment their cousins, sheep, for being shamelessly raped by humans so often.
[edit] Prey
Any mammal with adequate flesh. Hop on your nearest scales to see if you are eligable to be eaten by a goat. Children and babies are certain prey. Those over 20% body fat are also prime targets.
When goats attack, they hoof their prey in the knees, breaking them and bringing the prey into a praying position. Once downed, the goats will then scalp their prey with their sharp teeth. After the scalping, the goat excretes gasses to put the target under paralysis. It then slowly inserts the target into its intestines via the anus. The target is still conscious and can live in the intestines up to a day with full consciousness, unable to move as it is digested.
[edit] Education & Occupations
Contrary to popular belief, most goats attend Ivy League colleges in their formative years. And although no goat in recent memory has ever held a job, most of them aspire to be lumberjacks. Though, they are not particularly good at this vocation, as having three legs is a hindrance, and since the vast majority of lumber buyers in Canada are French Canadian, they have no one to barter with. Goats are known to panic and faint when they see an opened umbrella, closed umbrellas attract them on the other hand. Fainting goats are used as sacraficial diversions. No shit, either - wolf comes along, goat gets scared, BOOM, dead goat. Pretty funny, actually.
[edit] Knowledge and learning of goats
Renowened for their fighting prowess, Marques of Queenbury added Goats to his legendary rules making Goats an essential part of man-to-man combat. The reason for inclusion of a goat is a mystery, but it's value is unquestioned.
In everyday life, goats are constantly learning new things. The goat mind always looks for the simplest way to complete a task, continuously finding better ways to accomplish the task at hand. This increases goat's knowledge substantially every day. Their minds are at work everywhere, be it work or relationships. Relationships are the more challenging side to learn. Getting inside the other person’s head is the tricky part, but it teaches the best way to interact with that person. Learning is not limited to observing or reading about something; sometimes it is necessary to experience the true feeling of something in order to acquire the skill needed to do it properly. In the short story “Saturday Climbing”, W.D. Goatgardson illustrates how we all must learn in order to continue along life’s road. Goatgardson presents this through the Father, who is trying to learn about his daughter; and through the daughter who is trying to learn about life. His idea is also developed through the extended metaphor that is the rock face.
The goat in this story, Goaty, eventually learns that he must let his goatie go free, so that she might be able to learn and grow as well. Goaty learns through desperation and resentment, from his daughter and his class, that keeping his daughter captive is proving nothing. He suspects she is smoking marijuana and that she might be involved with a guy, but he cannot learn how to deal with it. In the end, he realizes how antagonizing he has been, and gives his girl the slack she needs to continue scaling life as if it were a mountain.
From the daughter, Moira’s, point of view, her father is keeping her from learning or seeing anything in the world. Moira learns how to cope with her father, and admits that she isn’t totally innocent. She realizes that in order for to go where she wishes; she must tell him what she’s doing. It may not be what he wants for her, but it’s her choice and he has to trust her with it. Moira also learns to overcome her resentment for her father by going with him and learning to rock climb. She does it not only because of the guys watching her, but because she knows she has to do it for herself.
The last example of comprehension or new things is in the climbing. When the two climb the rock, it is possible to compare it to life. In the second paragraph the daughter “…let out the golden line of rope that joined them.” The rope then went slack, and Barry went into a depression. Then with strain, he stood up and pondered his next move. This was describing his climb, but it also portrays his relationship with his daughter perfectly. In her younger years, his daughter was close to him. That is the golden rope. When the rope goes slack, it signifies how he became lax and the relationship crumbled. He then goes into a depression and doesn’t know what to do. He had his revelation in the classroom when one of his students intoned the truth of his relationship with his daughter. This makes him stand up, and then he is stuck wondering whether to let his daughter do what she needs to, or keep her with him. The author also calls the cliff deceptive, and describes it as having large, easy to use handholds at the beginning, and then slowly they got smoother, smaller and farther apart. It then says that pride kept him from going back, but in life, desire can not cause one to return things to they way they once were. When the daughter finally decides that she wants to lead, it represents the shift in power: the father is letting go of his only daughter.
All these hidden hints point at one main idea, and that is how things in life do change or grow or learn new things. The father does discover the truth about what he needs to do, the daughter uncovers her true potential and what she is allowed to do, and the rock face teaches the facts in life. We are constantly in motion, like it or not, and it will always stay that way, or considering how we always change, perhaps what we do may shift yet again.
[edit] See Also
- Mountain Goat
- Goat Se, the national martial art of Uganda
- Laser Goat
- GoatSurfing
[edit] External links
[edit] See you starside
Test Your Knowledge of Goat Anatomy
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