God's Algorithm
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“Seriously, who needs God's Algorithm? When I was a kid I'd just peel the stickers off the damned cube.”
~ Oscar Wilde on God's Algorithm
“Rubik's Cubes are the opiate of the masses. DESTROY CAPITALISM!!!”
~ Karl Marx on Rubik's Cube
Contents |
[edit] God's Algorithm
God's Algorithm is a theorum based on the 50 katrillion combinations of solving a Rubik's cube. God's Algorithm extremely experimental and has been known to cause extreme damage and obliteration. The use of this method can lead to the quickest 2 step process in solving of a Rubik's cube, but also leads to entire obliteration of the human race.
[edit] Origins
The Origins of the theory of God's Algorithm are highly debated, but it is said that Isaac Newton laid the bases for Swedish Scientist Alfred Swizteshamble to further the concept. An excerpt of Sir Isaac "Why do I deserve the title Sir for some stupid little laws of physics?" Newton's diary shows the basis of the theory for God's Algorithm.
| I seemed to have stumbled upon a fascinating development in the world of physics for the eighth time today. As I was siting under a tree an apple dropped from it, thus knocking me out. I began to have a vision. Within this vision there was a cubeNot a cube of ordinary nature, for it had several different colors and had smaller squares that turned. Within this vision I heard a voice. The voice said "Beware of the minimum". I'm not quite sure what this referred to, as the cube was constantly spinning with brilliant colors and patterns. As I gazed into it, I began to notice that there are certain moves made by the cube, and it seemed to rotate itself into concord with the other colors of that nature. As this did this several times, I began to wonder if this could be achieved with faster and more brilliant motion,and then i had a sudden wet feeling upon my face. I awoke to a large dog peeing upon my weary face. |
Alfred Swizteshamble uncovered this lost passage from Newton's diary in 1982. He related the mysterious cube to that of the modern day Rubik's Cube, an adapted primitive device previous used for extreme torture, to that of Newton's vision. Dr. Swiztenshamble began to examine the possibilities to solve this cube in the shortest moves possible, keeping in mind the heeding of the mysterious voice in Newton's vision. After months of constant experimenting, he dubbed the formula unable to be comprehended by man, and thenceforth God's Algorithm. The unwitting professor was found dead few weeks later of extreme radiation poisoning.
[edit] Physics and Properties
The actual physics and formulas involved in God's Algorithm are highly debated and disputed by reputable scientists. Some developed formulas and theories of how this mysterious concept works. However, soon after these scientists were found dead.
- Rhimstiens diviatio'n of God's Algorithm
.0131023% success rate
- Godder J. Jadavine's formula for God's Algorithm
.0000013123% success rate
- Daniel S. Boeing's replicative of God's Algorithm
Only known written formula...However, unutterably unable to decipher.
[edit] Side Effects
Side effects of using the God's Algorithm mainly involve death. More specifically a painful and drawn out death. One who does invoke such a fate on man kind will usually incur the largest amount of the burden due to the fact that his smoldering corpse will block a small percentage of the blast from the rest of the world. This unfortunate individual will experience what can only seem like the feeling one would experience at a Dave Matthews concert, but tenfold. Side Effects include but are not limited to:
- Nausea
- Paranoia
- Heartburn
- Schizophrenia
- Indigestion
- Kleptomaniac Syndrome
- Upset Stomach
- Down Syndrome
- Small Penis
- Erectile dysfunction
- Drowsiness
- Loss of Soul
- Obliteration of yourself and everyone in a 30 mile radius.
- Nymphomania
- Necrophlia
- OSD (Obsessive Shopping Disorder...mostly in women and gays)
Surgeon General's Warning: Do not Huff kitten's while under effects of God's Algorithm. May result in permanent brain loss, and damaging of huffable kitten.
[edit] 1986 Rubik's World Championship Incident
The most recent threat to world safety by means of cube was noted at the 1986 Rubik's World Championship in Chernobyl. A shifty and unknown individual appeared in the first round of the championships. Obviously knowledgeable of the ways of the Rubik, he quickly defeated each opponent he faced until he reached the final round. After one turn of the cube, the individual was quickly apprehended and escorted off the premises never to be seen again. His opponent was declared the winner by default. Much speculation followed these events. Rubik's World Champion staff stated that it was a technical violation involving false information on the registration form. However, conspiracy theorists tend to think otherwise, mostly due to the use of billy clubs, stun guns, and tear gas used to pull the man away from his cube. They commonly agree that this individual was about to preform the God's Algorithm and release hell on the world. The Rubik historians in Trenton, New Jersey deny this accusation as outlandish and overly snoopy, but they are unable to deny the theory entirely because the cube was lost while being held in the Chernobyl power plant. Such an incident incited more conspiracy theories that the Russians were experimenting with the cube in order to obtain the ultimate weapon when the once turned cube became unstable and caused the "malfunction."
[edit] Government Cover-up
Efforts however have proved uneffective due to Uncyclopedia editors placing a copy of it on this page for the entire world to see and generally ignore.
[edit] U.S. Navy Involvement
The United States Military invaded Iraq in search of WMD's in 2003. Although no traditional nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons were found, the U.S. Navy forces confescated 7.3 metric tons of rubiks cubes from underground bunkers. The findings were quickly sent to the U.S. navy who have yet to disclose their purpose. Iraq and Afganistan are two of twenty countries to be invaded by the United States for the removal of rubiks cubes before the end of the first decade of the twentieth century. Also included are Iran, North Korea, The United States, Czech Republic, and China (for god's sake, they pump those things out like they want the world to end!!!)
[edit] Also See
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