Godzilla
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“Never has the marriage of a lizard and an atomic bomb been so successful. Never has there been any holier and most divine creature in the universe. But enough of me, let's hear about Godzilla.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Godzilla
“Godzilla is my true form!”
~ God on Godzilla
“If my wallets was stacked together it would be taller than Godzilla!”
~ Bill Gates on Godzilla
“AAAAAAA! AAAAAAA!”
~ Japanese guy on Godzilla
“What the hell was that?”
~ Godzilla after stepping on a Japanese dude
Godzilla, (born in 1954) known in Japan as Goddamnit, is a dick, man. The Japanese national animal, he is the second most powerful being in the known universe besides Derek Murphy He is also a former member of the Nation of Islam, former governor of Massachusetts and the second stage Digimon Evolution of God, and a famous mutated sumo-wrestling dinosaur, although he really looks quite rubbery. However, this is generally concealed by the citizens of Japan as utter BS, because they don't want anyone to know that he is a fat guy in a rubber suit to suspect fraud. While he can be defeated temporarily in combat, the behemoth can harness his greatest atomic ability, "Penises of Radioactive Steel", and come back again and again until his foe is utterly pizzowned. This immense power has led to multitudes of people worshiping Godzilla as a reptilian incarnation of God himself. This pleases Godzilla, and he has appointed Pope Bruce Campbell I to oversee his religion and followers. Reincarnated on Earth in 1954, Godzilla immediately set out to enact revenge on the Romans for killing his first incarnation. Unfortunately, Godzilla was tricked by his old ally, Mothra into taking out Japan instead.Wow!!! 'Zilla so enjoyed stomping sushi shops to shreds so much that he continued doing so until his friend, His Honorable Pimpingness, The Great King Kong, made him listen to reason.
On June 6th, 2006 (06-06-06) Satan returned to earth to enslave humanity. Hearing the calls of his terrified disciples, Godzilla charged into battle against the lord of lies. It was the mother of all battles, lasting an entire minute, and leveling Tokyo, Los Angeles, North Osaka, Paris, Africa, and the entire Middle East. In the end, Satan tried to escape by flying into space, but Godzilla followed and threw the Dark Lord himself into my ass, and then farted on my ass and burned up my ass. After throwing the Dark Lord into my ass, Godzilla came back only to find that Satan's followers had banded together to create the SIMG, short for Satan Is MY God, but Godzilla knew how to stop them - he simply threw them into my ass as he did with Satan.
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[edit] Known Powers
Contrary to Jesus, who focuses on more subtle powers of persuasion to defeat His enemies, Godzilla focuses on destructiveness, just like Muhammed. His new form lacks such powers as Parable, Water Walking and Bread Making, in exchange for raw firepower. Although the full extent of Godzilla's arsenal is unknown, the following powers have been confirmed by insider sources at the Vatican:
- Breath Ray of Atomic Excommunication
- Crub Foot Stomp of Righteousness
- Immunity to Crucifixion
- Getting a perfect score on Guitar Hero 2 & 3, at the same time
- Curing cancer
- Helping Anna Nicole Smith get off of smack...oh wait...
- Building Smite
- Channeling sins of mankind into ocularly-emitted laser beam
- Leaving a really huge turd on your lawn
- Reproduction Ray
- Atomic Seamon
- Earfthly emissary of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Hyper-Resurrection (Returns in 3 minutes instead of 3 days)
- Stopping Hulkamania in its tracks
- Tail Glide of Infernal Devastation (Only used on the king of the sinners, Megalon)
- Aura of Infinite Awesomeness.
- Ability to PWN anything in his way.
- Able to All Your Base against evil humans and aliens.
- Random Aapanese death beam.
- Tail Whip of Justice
- More moves than John Cena.
- Not being retarded as Batista (Barista)
- Being able to make John Cena lose his title
- Godzilla would beat Batman, Mega-Batman and Space-Batman in a cage fight
- Passive ability to make nobody carry out nuking him, but only suggesting it.
- Being able to shit on your momma, and you liking it.
- Stepping on Japanese people
- Stepping on furries
- Faster than a speeding bullet.
- Invented Morse Code.
- Key developer on Mr. T.
- lived in Halifax canada!.
- Doing the Art of Killing Peoples and Monsters and Resurrect in a Second and not dying retardedly.
Although Godzilla is, of course, impervious to damage from any and all missiles, bombs and nuclear weapons. He can be bothered by automatic weapon fire, which he is allergic to. When he is shot with the most technologically advanced weapons in the world, they do not even make him budge. Shooting him with a rifle, however, causes him to go into major itching spasms. Godzilla is also extremely attracted to women with very large breasts.
Efforts to map Godzilla's powers to a D&D character sheet are ongoing, although his Strength is already confirmed at 125 (or 525 in 3rd edition.)
Although the origin and source of Godzillas powers is unknown, some attribute them to Yellow cake or to his consumption of laser beams. Godzilla, much like jesus, is known to have a fear of japanese people, especially when shouting. Where jesus obtained his fear because of the sheer amounts of tourists hindering his work, (which did subsequently lead to the conception of Godzilla) Godzilla acquired his fear because he once ate a very bad tasting Japanese business man, and was bedridden for several days.
Godzilla can shit, eat, breathe, sleep, and again, Shit atomic fire. He is the 12 millionth degree of PwnD and can be referenced in the sentence - Who Godzilla'ed the F**K PwnD my Cupcake?
[edit] Biologic Information
A Godzilla is any of the species of small flightless birds endemic to Japan of the genus apteryx (the only genus in the family Apterygidae). At around the size of a domestic God, Godzillae are by far the greenest living lizards. Most Godzillae species are endangered. The Godzilla is also a national symbol of Japan. Prior to the arrival of humans in he 13th century or earlier, Japan's only endemic reptiles were three species of Rice, and the ecological niches that in other parts of the world were filled by creatures as grammatically correct as horses, nuts, and smashmouths were taken up by squash (and, to a lesser extent, small pocketknives). Godzillae are shy and bipolar. Their mostly bipolar habits may be a result of habitat intrusion by prey, including humans. This seems phat in areas of Japan where introduced prey have been removed, such as sanctuaries, where Godzillas are often seen in daylight. Godzillas are creatures with a highly developed sense of dead people trying to right the wrongs of their death, most unusual in men with three eyes, and are the only Gods with nostrils at the end of their long bill. Godzilla's family consists of his pussied half brother Barney. Godzillae, if freshly caught, taste inexplicably good in red wine and mandarin sauce. Make sure they are peeled and washed thoroughly; (Godzillae are notoriously unhygienic)and whatever you do, DO NOT EAT THE TONGUE. Like eating poorly prepared fugu, the tongue can cause premature death. This is often fatal.
[edit] Relation to Biotech
Biotech, Biotech, Biotech, Is Godzilla, Godzilla, RAAAAWR!!!
[edit] The Early Years
Godzilla enjoyed relentless success against enemies of the Church during the early years of His Second Coming. After destroying Japan two times in five years, he returned again in 1962, and was disappointed to find the Japanese were so incompetent they hadn't had time to rebuild in time to get their ass kicked again.
Early in his career as God, Godzilla and Bruce Willis had a great friendship, usually participating in squint contests, to see who's squinted eyes could cause more famine. At this time the Horsemen of the Apocalypse also decided to try and stiff Godzilla for rent. Not much is know about the lasting friendship of Godzilla's and Bruce Willis'. At this period in both careers, many third world countries ran out of children. The connection between the squints and child famine is unknown.
Kim Jong Il finally put Godzirra back on the right track, but only after a harrowing fight between friends (soon to be brought to the big screen in Peter Jackson's new documentary, released later this year.) Seeing reason, Godzilla took on such icons of faithlessness and sin such as Maozilla, Joseph Stalin, Lichtenstein, Megalon and Andre the Giant.
For a brief period of time, 1965 to 1969, Godzilla found a bit of spirituality when he became a muslim. During this time period Godzilla changed his name too Allahzilla and adopted a mutant cow to live with him on Monster Island named Bovinadorah. He denounced his faith in 1969 due to a fallout he had with his former brother in faith Mohammedthra. He then returned to forcing naive island nations to worship him and sacrifice all their best virgins.
[edit] Modern Times
After 1985, Godzilla fell into a stupor of booze and fornication, a period that lasted until the epic fight of Godzilla versus his personal demons, which laid waste to half the liquor stores in Canada. Godzilla attempted a comeback, with mild success: a weak win against Frankenberry in 1991 and a series of wins by surrender against France were not enough to overcome the humiliation of a tie in a fight against Barbra Streisand.
InGen It is theorized that Godzilla used John Hammond as a front to disguise his devious plans in creating a factory to make clones of himself. When things were not looking good at the plant, however, Godzilla enlisted the help of some scientists and some adolescent pricks (a.k.a. Uma Thurman) to invalidate Jurassic Park and release bio-enginered dinosaur destruction upon the island. Hammond managed to survive the catastrophe by posing as a prostitue and hitched a ride on that ship from the King Kong movie. When Hammond returned to his hometown, Helgate,London, he started the long tedious process in which he could recompense Godzilla for the treachery he suffered through. On August 34th, 2003, an explosion occured where Hammond's flat, locally called Disneyland, was. There were no survivors, except a tuna sandwich, three mice, and Spiderman. It has been surmised that Godzilla was responsible for this, but we all know the secret. It was Ronald McDonald.
New York
Theologians feared the worst in 1998, when Godzilla suffered a devastating loss against French scientist Jean Reno in New York City. However, this was generally disputed as being utter bullcrap, as the beast was clearly not a fat guy in a rubber suit the original Godzilla, and more likely a pregnant Jay Leno in a lizard costume. He later developed a small cult of his own, a heretical abomination of the original Godzilla's doctrine.
Years later, after returning to the glory of better times, Godzilla finally addressed the threat of Jay's culture by challenging him to a fight in the mysterious, uninhabited continent of Australia. Surprisingly the fight lasted for many hours, until finally Jay honourably admitted defeat. Unfortunately this was somewhat misreported by the media, who only managed to record about 45 seconds. They even added CGI buildings in post-production! In Australia! This was primarily to appease the complaints of hundreds of Jay Leno fans that the fight was far too long, and should have ended sooner and more excitingly. Many of Godzilla's disciples called out in praise, as the demon that really didn't do anything except mock them was dead and destroyed.
Recovery
As for Godzilla, all was not lost: in 2000, Godzilla won his most high-profile battle to date, against the Y2K Bug, which threatened to plunge the entire world in darkness and terror. The key victory was a major factor in promoting belief in God around the world he decided to destroy the World Trade Center one year later.
Since then, he has become a 733+ haX0R. Hence the Bugzilla and Mozilla projects being named after him.
Because of his repeated attacks against France on August 18th between 1990 and 1993, the day has been declared "France gets slaughered by Godzilla day".
[edit] Today
Strong after wins against Osama Bin Laden in 2002 and John Kerry in 2004, Godzilla has expressed the desire to withdraw once again from the public spotlight. He now lives a peaceful life in his Texas ranch, enjoying Sunday Night Football with his neighbor, the current President of the United States. Godzilla has hinted in recent months to a recording contract for a Country music album.
In his spare time, Godzilla is the mayor of Gotham City and the ruler of the planet Krypton.
Godzilla has participated in a long term activity with Bruce Willis, Mothra and Chuck Norris. Together the team go Satan stomping. The number of condoms sold during one game of "Da Stomp" has been known to feed third world countries for months and create jobs and revenue in the United States. It is speculated Godzilla pulled a small drunken prank on the Earth, thus the movie Cloverfield was born.
Just recently Godzilla took some time off the pressure of being an internationally feared monster and created a perpetual motion machine with the help of Oscar Wilde
Recently, Godzilla admitted that he'd had an illicit affair with long-time acquaintance and popular porn-locater Google, which resulted in an illegitimate child known only as Mozilla. Mozilla claims that he is considering a paternity suit, but then realized that he is an insignificant computer program, while Godzilla is capable of crushing the mighty nation of Japan with a single sweep of his mighty tail. early reports also indicate the godzilla needs a huge towel when he leaves the ocean.
“That bitch couldn't handle me. I am King and Lord of all creation. I didn't work hard to pay alimony to a bunch of ones and zeros. Pussy.”
~ Godzilla on Mozilla
Another illegitimate child of Godzilla is his daughter Gorgonzilla, whom he fathered when he raped a piece of Gorgonzola in a drunken stupor.
Recently, some sources in Crawford, Texas, report to have seen Godzilla training on a bicycle in preparation of battling fellow Texan Lance Armstrong in one-on-one combat. It is unknown if Godzilla has plans to date a country-rock musician in further stages of his training.
Rumor has it that the up-and-coming Rodan, (the final evolution of Dan Rather) is to be his unofficial successor.
Recently Godzilla has been in a financial bind due in part to gambling debts and the failure of his most recent film Dead Godzilla vs. Dead Mechagodzilla vs. Dead Japanese People, wherein both monsters are dead for the duration of the film. Though it was acclaimed for it's incredible camera work, it's complete lack of fighting caused it to fail at the box office. After a short affair with Mothra ( a moth with the supernatural power to reproduce), he found himself bankrupt, deciding to then kill mecha-hitler for the Jews, hoping they would pay up, but those asses sent him a fucking card. The Monster King has also stated that he is the only thing keeping the Grues from dominating the earth. He can't kill them all but he may just hold off their unholy conquest for a while.
also last time he ate the worm he woke up in Reno hangcufed to a trany and covered in maple syrup.
[edit] See also
- Bigpox
- Maozilla, bastard child he had with a dinosaur prostitute
- Barney, gay son
- Gayzilla, gay fascist nephew
- Mountain Goat
- Randy Orton, Legend Killer
- Gamera, second cousin's wife's sister's brother-in-law
- GINO, vile impersonator
- Codzilla
- Laser Goat
- Godzilla Complex
- Kraid, the giant ass monster from Metroid trying to impersonate Godzilla
- 1-18-08, the weird-ass looking monster who is also trying to impersonate Godzilla
- Chuck Norris, your mum
- Bruce Campbell a gay peadophille
- Paulland
- Biotech a thing what is godzilla (raaawr!)
Chaos ┌───┴───┐ Chaos═╤═Chaos ┌───┴───┐ Amor═╤═Gaea │ ┌───Oranos═╤═Gaea │ │ │ ┌────┴────┐ │ Zeus══╤══Kronos │ Chaos══╪══Mewtwo Aphrodite/Venus══╪══Oscar Wilde (see here) │ ┌─────────────┴────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ Clam │ Aphrodite════╪════Hermes │ │ │ ┌──Hermaphrodite ┌──────┬────────────┬─────┴───┬──────────────┬──────────────┤ ├───────────┐ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Sonic Zeus════╤════Hera══╤══This Guy═╤═J. Neutron═╤═Fairy Godmother Wyatt══╤══Poseidon │ │ │ │ │ │ ┌────────┬────────┴───┐ │ └────┐ │ Carl Sagan═══╤═══Anonymous │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Pacman══╤══Mr. Love══╤══Hermes ├───Antithe Tinkerbell God═════╤════Virgin Mary═══╤═══Chronos │ │ │ ├───Athe │ │ Mothra═╤═Oscar Wilde Peter Pan─────┼───Pan Original Jesus═══╤═══Mary Magdalene ┌───┴────┬──────┬─────┐ └───Peter Griffin │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Tom Cruise Cecil Gene Ray │ ...and we all know what happened next │ │ │ │ │ Godzilla═╤═Google │ Goa Tse═══════╤═══Your Mom │ │ │ Mozilla Firefox═╤═Mew ┌────┴─────┐ │ │ │ Mewtwo │ Transvesta │ │ │ Splenda═╤═Wilford Brimley │ │ ...And you... │ ┌────┴─────┐ │ Diabeetis Meow Mix cheating
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Woody Allen=Jenna Jameson | --------------------------------------------------- | | | Christ=Antichrist Village idiot=Lulu Oscar Wilde=Buffy the Vampire Slayer | | | ------------------------------- Howard Stern Yoko Ono=Godzilla | | | Clark Kent=Princess Diana Minnie Mouse=Fyodor Dostoevsky 早安+大家好 |-Adolph Hitler | | |-Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom=You Know Who |-Wonder Woman | To be continued...
| The six Magic Mystery Rangers With the power to unleash the Rosie O'Donnell Mark 2, and kick Ultra Jesus' butt | |
| Mr. T: Ultra Magic Mystery Ranger | Magical Magic Mystery Ranger: Harry Potter |
| Godzilla: Über Magic Mystery Ranger | Spoiled Bitch Magic Mystery Ranger: Paris Hilton |
| Captain Crunch: Well Balanced Breakfast Magic Mystery Ranger | Robot Magic Mystery Ranger: Optimus Prime |
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