Golf

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“Golf sucks”

~ Oscar Wilde on Golf

“Golf doesn't suck”

~ Will Mease on Golf

“You can suck me Will”

~ Oscar Wilde on Will Mease

Groin accidents are frequent during gameplay.

“Women's golf was never meant to be a sport, but that's what happens when you put phallus-shaped objects being swung at balls in the hands of those with vaginas.”

~ Sigmund Freud on Golf

“Golf is a good walked ruined”

~ Oscar Wild on Golf

“Personally I like Golf, I enjoy seeing Tiger's Wood.”

~ Gay Men on Golf and Tiger's Wood.

“What FUCKING TWATS! AND I THOUGHT MUGABE WAS BAD! SHITHEADS!.”

~ Straight people on golfers

Golf is well known as being the only sport in which you can wear a watch whilst playing. Golf (gnomes only, leprechauns forbidden) is a form of medieval satanic torture. It also gives you burns on your face when you take over half an hour trying to get a ball inside a hole. It involves a thin iron club and small puckered balls. The hidden message can be found in the name of the 'sport' itself. Typical backwards satanic writing reveals the name to be "FLOG" ... speaking volumes. Many people would rather be flogged than play golf.golf sucks cock u 90year old BASTERDS!!!!!

Golf also gained the name of golf because all other common four letter words were taken. gay people play golf because they like putting their balls in other peoples holes.

Also, watching golf on television has had the most instances of people throwing a ham at the screen, smashing it and causing a loud Bang to occur whilst shouting something similar to "You fucking bastard" and such. It has been made known that golfers are obsessive about penises. IT has also been proven that it is the gayest sport know to man, apart from football and volleyball and underwater basket weaving, and is run by fat people or gay skinny people in flaming clothes(Camillo Villegas)!

The sport golf is just an excuse for putting the golf club up your arse.

"Documentary evidence will be found, one day that golf causes cancer of the index finger. Only time will tell."

Golf was in fact invented by the esteemed Golfer Mrs. Golf,in 2010. Her first name was Minnie.

1 Golf course architecture and design
2 Tournament play
3 Golf Terminology
4 Trivia
5 Conclusion
6 See also
7 External link

[edit] Golf course architecture and design

GOLF IS THE BEST GAME IN THE WORLD! FORGET THE CRAP I JUST SAID!

While no two courses are alike, many can be classified into one of the following broad categories:

Links courses: the most traditional type of Golf course, of which some centuries-old examples have survived in the British isles. Located in coastal areas, on sandy soil, often amid dunes, with few artificial water hazards and few if any trees. Traditional links courses, such as The Old Course at St. Andrews or Machrihanish, are built on "land reclaimed from the sea," land that was once underwater. Linksland is sometimes said to "link" the beach to the arable land; however, the more likely etymology is from the Middle English for "hill." [1] It was historically suitable primarily for grazing sheep.

This landscape has wide acceptance among English golfers.

Parkland courses: typical inland courses, often resembling traditional British parks, with lawn-like fairways and many trees.
Heathland – a more open, less-manicured inland course often featuring gorse and heather and typically less wooded than “parkland” courses. Examples include Woodhall Spa in England and Gleneagles in Scotland.
Desert courses: a rather recent invention, popular in Australia, parts of the USA and in the Middle East. Desert courses require heavy irrigation for maintenance of the turf, leading to concerns about the ecological consequences of excessive water consumption. A desert course also violates the widely accepted principle of golf course architecture that an aesthetically pleasing course should require minimal alteration of the existing landscape. Nevertheless, many players enjoy the unique experience of playing golf in the desert.
Browns courses: Akin to sand courses (see below), but much more involved in terms of using layers of tar and gravel below the sandy surface layer, to give firmness and support and ensure a consistent bounce/roll. Common in arid parts of the Indian Subcontinent. The world's highest course of any type is a 9-hole browns course in Leh, Ladakh (J&K), maintained by the Indian Army. It is at 11,600 feet. Being beyond the Great Himalaya in an extension of the arid Tibetan Plateau, the region lies in a rain shadow, which would make a greens course impossible to water. Mixed courses that have both brown and green holes are called 'browns-greens' courses; e.g., the green and the central fairway may be grass, but the tee and rough would be brown.
Sand courses: instead of a heavily irrigated 'green', the players play on sand; holes are less 'involved' than browns courses (see above), and are for the casual golfer.

Part of the joy of golfing is getting close to nature.

Snow courses: another rather recent invention; golf being played on snow, typically with an orange colored or another brightly colored ball. Can be played in Arctic or subarctic regions during winter.
Par 3 courses: The course consists entirely of holes with Par 3. These are considered a good test of iron shot precision and short game, as the driver is rarely used. Par 3 may also be used to term an easy waitress who requires only three lame attempts to get up her skirt.
Executive courses: A course which generally is smaller than the typical 18-hole course, designed to cater to the fast-paced, executive lifestyle. So that a rapid pace of play may be maintained all players are provided with Tasers. Sound systems cleverly concealed along the course play applause tracks each time a ball is struck.

In the United States design varies widely, with courses such as the entirely artificial Shadow Creek in Las Vegas, where a course complete with waterfalls was created in the desert, and on the other end of the spectrum, Rustic Canyon outside of Los Angeles, which was created with a minimal amount of earth moving resulting in an affordable daily green fee and a more natural experience.

[edit] Tournament play

Tiger Woods uses 3 Iron on seal for par.

Tournaments are held on polar ice caps, and there is no ball. Instead, golfers must seek out baby seals to club.

PGA Tour Golfers must club as many seals as possible and design a fashion line from their clubbings. The winner is the one that gets the most Friends of the Earth protesters outside their house.
Ryder Cup Players must ride around on seals to club other seals, including ones ridden by other players. Winner is the one with the most clubbed seals.
Masters Various countries have Master's tournaments. The object of these tournaments is to club the baby seal into the ocean in as few shots as possible, and the masturbate on them, thus the name.
Recently Bereaved Players Cup The likes of Tiger Woods, Darren Clarke, and Chris DiMarco club seals while weeping to compete for the coveted Urn.

[edit] Golf Terminology

Albatross — Hitting an albatross with one's ball.
Albatoss — Hitting someone tossing to Jessica Alba with one's ball.
Birdie — Hitting a bird out of the sky with one's ball.
Bogey — Hitting a Humphrey Bogart lookalike with one's ball.
Double Bogey — Same as above, but with two Humphrey Bogart lookalikes.
Eagle — Many people believe that this refers to hitting an eagle with one's ball. This is incorrect. It actually refers to the use of a ridiculously oversized Israeli firearm as a putter.
Doih — Attempting to hit one's ball with the wrong end of the club.
Golf Golf — A form of golf in which the players use small Volkswagen hatchbacks to travel from hole to hole. Called Rabbit Golf in the United States until 1984.
Golf War — Stuck in the biggest sandpit ever invented, more like Crazy Golf as Scuds land all around.
Shagbag — See Princess Michael of Kent.
Snowman — The act of hitting an innocent snowman with a baby seal. This is usually a sure sign that you should quit. Later, all the golfers playing will mourn around the snowman, firing large missiles into the air with their oversized Israeli putters. If while firing a missile a baby seal is hit and killed, the player responsible for the missile will be hanged on the spot.

[edit] Trivia

Beware!

Trivia sections are boooooring!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

Golf featured in every scene of Spider-man 2. For example Doc Ock's famous line "I will not die a monster" played backwards says "Golf is my favourite pastime".

In recent years the Ryder Cup has become a front for international drug smuggling. Players fill their balls with cocaine and hit them into holes which lead to an underground distribution ring.

It is physically impossible to juggle 3 golf balls. Attempting to do so often causes third degree burns.

It is widely known that any contact with golf will turn you into a raging homosexual. Who likes balls. In your mouth. Capische?

They named it "Golf" because "GODDAMMIT I LOST MY FUCKIN' BALL AGAIN!" was already taken.

Slap em' Gary the famous Snooker player has a friend called Peter Eastland A.K.A Pikey who is a famous golf player known world wide for his shit skill at the game.

Golf and wolf do not rhyme. Try it: I dare you... haha you fail.

[edit] Conclusion

WHAT THE FUCK? I just read a whole article about golf??

Actually, it's important that we teach our children about this sport because although it may be appealing to God-damned, tree-hugging liberal hippies, it is also quite possibly the greatest waste of time ever devised by the brilliance of man. ya mam's ya dad...yeah Many really smart doctors believe that golf is probably quite healthy, since most activities of human beings that involve a seemingly pointless effort tends to have something to do with maintaining health. The fact that golf is overwhelmingly the most pointless activity of them all would make it an unlikely, although possible, exception.