Golf balls

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“Golf balls are white.”

~ Captain Obvious on golf balls

Golf balls appear white when viewed by a human being, but they are actually invisible at all other times. According to the National Weather Service, golf balls are in fact gigantic balls of ice. They are exceedingly violent and will randomly break through your window and smash your computer monitor. They may also attack your car, leaving dents the size of softballs, or holes in your windshield. If you are attacked by a golf ball while driving you will most likely crash.

Special vehicles made to withstand golf ball attacks have special metallic mesh on all sides. The Red Army once used golf balls as food during the Cold War.

The mating habits of golf balls can usually be observed at golf courses, where people swing clubs at golf balls. The golf ball will violently thrust itself away from the club, usually launching itself into the air in the process while screaming "sweet Jesus."

Their favourite hiding places are in sand traps and in holes where they attempt to hide, but people keep removing them and swinging clubs at them again. For this reason, golf balls are extremely violent.

Golf balls also like to run into small groundhogs and destroy their homes by falling at extreme speeds from the sky. Do not try to shoot a golf ball. They are bulletproof. We have tried. All that happened was the golf ball ran away from us when we shot it. Its was quite fun. Also, the golf ball made itself bigger once and attempted to hit the club user on the head. This has happened before, and in this rate, the golf ball sexily reproduces by raping the club user. We have seen a man making out with a golf ball before. It was scary.

In factories, there are many people either making out or swinging clubs at the golf balls to make many many more. This act has been banned due to overpopulation of golf balls.

Golf Balls have dints in them to protect them from the rain, the rain is considered "unholy" to their god, and they need the dints in their body to show that the rain has no place in their heart.

All golf balls are white. Even the yellow ones.

However, sometimes golf balls become fluorescent orange. This may cause them to be temperamental, or begin to try making out with you. If you ever see a fluorescent orange golf ball, it is advised to run away, Monty Python style, unless you enjoy making out with golf balls.

It is rumored that the center of a golfball contains nitroglycerin, but this is false. It has been proven that the center of a golfball contains the soul of a Mexican refugee attempting to escape from the tedium that is his life.

The average age of a golf ball can span between 10 to 20 years, and golf balls won't loose eyesight at old age, because they have evolved from the fish and rabbit

Golf balls have a natural instinct to fly into the woods, only to come out with a new shell. For example, a ball may go in with a Titleist shell and come out with a Top-Flite shell. This feat is very similar to the innate habits of a hermit crab.

[edit] Mating Ritual of Golf balls

Male golf balls are barely identifiable from females one, however, it is said that the dimples on a male are slightly more prominent and are slightly larger. The typical golf ball mating call is a resounding whack caused by its abiotic partner, the golf club. Females will usually choose by the standard of which ball has the loudest whack, goes the farthest, etc.

Due to the roundness of the balls, it is difficult to get into the right position and attempt to reproduce. One way that we have seen is to put the two together in a bag and wait for the female to be "knocked up". We have not seen many other successful ways but there have been rumors about a female standing in one place while the male is driven into her by a putter.

Pregnant females are evident by telltale lost distance. When hit, it will tend to go a shorter distance and are prone to hitting trees and getting lost in grass. This often causes them to be abandoned by their owners, where they can reproduce in privacy.

It is commonly known that to prevent one's golf ball from becoming pregnant, it must be inserted into a "wash", commonly found on golf courses. The wash does not just submerse the female in acidic soap, but strips the female of all mating abilities. This may cause the golf ball to be come depressed.

[edit] The Golf Ball's Natural Tendencies

While a golf ball may seem a serene and peaceful being, it's holes are actually filled with C4, thus the restriction of their use on airplanes. However, provided one brings one's own clubs, golf balls may be use on the airplane, but only with putters, and a hole in one must be scored by hitting the ball from the lavatory to the cockpit in order to not be arrested by a stewardess.

The golf ball may, at any point in it's ascent or descent, shoot said explosives out of these divits. Having said this, it is wise to wear God-awful clothing in order to keep the golf ball from ruining anything actually worth wearing. This explains why plaid is popular amongst golfers. Golf balls enjoy 1970s easy-listening music, and "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks, "Shannon" by Henry Gross and anything by Barry Manilow are perennial favorites. Before the 1970s, the Vienna Boys' Choir was a favorite, and some golf balls still enjoy listening to men with no testicles.

Golf balls have also been known to eat all of the watermelon in one's refridgerator during periods of extreme depression.

[edit] Specific Cancers

Recent studies confirm that the insides of Golf Balls can cause Yellow Cancer, Thus should be avoided at all costs. Citizens are reminded not to break golf balls open if they are attacked by one.

[edit] Religion

While every Golf ball is different, the majority if them find that a form of Rastafarianism best suits their personal preferences. They may gather in large numbers, exceeding the thousands, where they inhale Ganga fumes through the microscopic holes in their outer membranes. They then roll around until they spell out a word. This word is quickly recorded and they continue to roll until they form another. When these sessions are over, the words are recorded in the Holy Texts. The most common form of these holy texts is known as the Holy Book of Titleist.