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Golf Clothing is a long-standing practical joke, the origins of which are lost in the mists of time.

[edit] History

The association of golf with phenomenally stupid clothing reaches back to the sport's earliest days, golf itself having been invented by Scotsmen who wore skirts. However, for most of the sport's history, the tendency of players to wear idiotic clothing was not immediately apparent. This was because, as golf was played exclusively by upper-class males, stupid attire was worn equally on and off the course, although as early as the 1900s golf clothing was already showing its stupidity by the inclusion of plus-fours in a standard outfit.

It was not until the 1960s and 1970s that a clear gap opened up between the clothing used by golfers and that worn by the rest of humanity. While the whole world was wearing jeans, t-shirts and sports shoes, golf clubs across the world enforced dress codes appropriate only to a period some twenty to thirty years previously.

In the United Kingdom, golf attire became synonymous with a rightly-despised group of so-called entertainers, notably Jimmy Tarbuck and Bruce Forsyth. In the United States, singers such as Andy Williams or Perry Como displayed similar approaches to dress.

[edit] Today

Golf remained an exclusive preserve of the white male middle and upper classes until the late 1990s, when the aspirational nature of many Rap stars led them to take up golf as a sign of status. Along with the advent of non-white golf stars, notably Tiger Woods, this fact meant that golf inexplicably became cool, and even more inexplicably brought its clothes into a degree of coolness.

Manufacturers of major sportswear have eagerly assimilated this trend, seeing a golden opportunity to charge massively inflated prices for footwear most people would simply laugh at.

The overall effect of the 'rap infusion' into golf clothing has been to change the 'look' of a golfer from a hopelessly out-of-date old fellow into a pimp.

[edit] Key elements of any golfer's wardrobe

• Shoes - these should be leather, preferably multi-coloured with as many tassells and broguing as possible. Small studs on the bottom render them useless for any purpose other than golf, thereby at least serving one useful purpose: anyone with sufficiently little fashioon sense to actually buy these things is quite capable of wearing them outside the club without realising how ridiculous they look. The studs serve to prevent this from happening. Prices start at around £200/$300 per pair.
• Trousers - never jeans or cargo pants. These, in another age, were called slacks, and represented almost everything that was wrong about the society they inhabited. Aspiring to be smart, casual, comfortable and fashionable, they in fact managed to be none of these things. Modern manufacturing methods have enabled golf trousers to be produced in a much wider range of horrid colours than before: where once only beige and navy blue were available, a whole pallette of pimp-esque shades is now available. Again, expect to pay around £150/$250 per pair.
• Belt - this is worthy of special mention as it allows the golfer to tuck his (usually extensive) paunch into his trousers, however ill-advised the effect this may create. Again, the 'pimp' look is creeping in, with large, decorate buckles increasingly seen.
• Upper body wear - The upper body is where the golfer can really begin to display his individuality. A traditionalist might choose a dark blue v-necked sweater with a white roll-necked sweater underneath; the younger, more modern golfer may select a salmon pink polo shirt, especially if it clashes violently with his hair or complexion.
• Hat/sunglasses/other accessories - this is where a golfer can really go to town and make his mark. Usually this mark involves slavishly copying the style favoured by a professional golfer. For instance, the wide-brimmed hat made fashionable by Greg Norman in the nineties has beens supplanted by the modish and functionally useless baseball cap worn by Tiger Woods.
• Other items - these may include towels, for drying off your clubs in a game that only morons would play in the rain anyway; club covers, fluffy or otherwise, apparently for keeping your clubs warm despite the fact that they have no internal source of heat and the temperature of them is going to make about 0.000000000001% difference to your game; and umbrellas, ridiculously large (see towels).

[edit] Logos

As with most sports, logos carry a great deal of kudos to those who wear them. In an odd reversal of the normal laws of economics, golfers and other sports players are prepared to pay inlated prices to give advertising space to billion-dollar international corporations, and indeed will actively vie with each other to do so. Again this is to do with the slavish following of a top golfer in the hope that, if one uses the same equipment, clothes, hat, underpants, key ring, car, deodorant, pile cream etc etc as one's idol, somehow their playing ability will also rub off. This is in defiance of a 100% scientific record suggesting otherwise.