Gollum
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“My Precioussssss!”
~ Gollum on his spleen
“The Precioussss!!!!”
~ Bill Clinton on Random teenage women
“Wow Gollum is cool!!!”
~ Gangsta
Gollum "Nicole Richie" Yerkovitch (b.27 May 1980) is a white-rapper, actor, mime artist, WWF Superstar, porn director, and he has achieved a great deal within his long and colourful career and is in lord of the rings and really cool.
[edit] Early History
Born Queford P. Smeagol in Manchester, England. A bastard son of Jim Carrey and Oprah Winfrey and Mr Toad. He began his career chasing ambulances through the dark cobbled streets, and by the age of 14 had managed to catch a few. It was around this time that he met up with a local Jewish landlord named Fagan who took the youngster under his wing. In time he passed along to his protigee the secret knowledge of "the ring". Yet another gollum found in whalley range; a rare sighting of this certain gollum has been confirmed. The witness has been officially documented as a bona fid'e witness, as upon further examinations of this evidence by gollum analysts, professional or otherwise. This particuler gollum (or gol) can be identified easily. He speaks in a clear swahili accent, but with a drip'o'geordie. Please be aware that this gollum is extremely aggressive and should not be approached at allcosts. Thank you for you time. X X X
[edit] The Wilderness Years
Due to developing a crack cocaine habit, Smeagol began to lose his stunning good looks, and as Fagan had begun to frequent a new area - the so-called "Pink Mile" in Bree - and specifically two local taverns, The Prancing Pony, and The Big Gay Elf, Smeagol became more and more withdrawn. An argument with a beehive led to Gollum being forced to eat not only Mr Toad but all the toads, Reported in the Spanish press as Gollum comió todos los sapos .
Fagan's developing friendship with a gang of young Hobbits provided Smeagol with a single opportunity, and with the evil cunning of a kitten he pounced, taking the Ring of Fagan, completely unawares.
[edit] Political Career
In 2001, Gollum was elected president Gollum the 9th of South Korea. And was responsible for South Korea's important foreign policy (annoying Americans playing StarCraft). He was also installed Emperor of the United States of Arabia by the KGB (Korean Girl Band).
In 2006 a Grue army invaded South Korea and Gollum fleed.
[edit] Entering the Ring
For many years Smeagol lived in the wilds of darkest Glaswegia, sleeping within a cave under Mount Asshat. Surviving by eating fresh fish and the local giant gerbils who populate the area, Smeagol bulked up. Invited to train under the supervision of Austrian Pornstar Arnold Schwarzenegger Smeagol soon became the living embodiment of manhood.
It was at this time that he was invited to become a regular performer with the WWF. Taking the name of "Gollum" (it was his mother's maiden name) he became an instant hit, with his trademark FrogSplat move. At the height of his fame an unfortunate accident with a raw fish inflicted an injury that made it impossible for him to perform, and so he made his retirement official.
[edit] Ringing the Changes
Unable to continue his wrestling career Gollum, as he was now known, turned his attention to pursuing a career in entertainment. Landing a small part in a production of Oklahomo! he was spotted by Peter Jackson. He was instantly offered the part of Bimbo Baggins, a part for which he was Oscar norminated. The next year, after the release of the second part of the trilogy he won his Oscar, this time for singing the theme tune.
With a number one hit on his hands, Gollum took the plunge and recorded an album - "What's Taters, Preciousss?". A co-production with Dr Dre the album took many by surprise with its hard hitting lyrics and strong beats, and was an instant success. Within a year he had returned to the studio to record his second album - "Stoopid Fat Hobbitses".
[edit] Marketing
After his music career, Gollum became a cult hero who used his fame to become a spokesman for everything from Adult diapers to vanishing cream. His most famous commercial was for Capital One, where he asked the audience, "What's in your pocketses?" Like everyone else, I consider him a total sellout for this.
He can now be found peeping into the women's bathroom punching his crotch and yelling "Myyy Preccccioussssss!!!!!" and hemming Osama Bin Laden's shorts.
In 2002 he launched a children's clothing line called "Phat Ranch". It did well for about 7 months, but it was soon eclipsed by Yo Yo Ma's line.
In April 2003 Gollum's first film came out, a porno called "Preciousss Pussy", which featured actors Owen Wilson and Will Smith.
In 2004 he changed his name to Ewan Dragmire and did voice acting in several anime and video games. This was a sad day for fans (many of whom cried like babies with dismay at what their former hero had become). Even the release of a new album, Homogenic (a radical departure from his previous CDs, returning to his roots on the LOTR 2 soundtrack, it sold well but Bjork claimed credit for it. The ensuing lawsuit is still ongoing) failed to redeem him in the eyes of the poor disillusioned fanboys.
In 2007 he died while serving a life sentence for breaking his contract, by not reappearing in the television show,The Simple Life. He served his short time in one of the most notorious prisions in America, New York's Rikers Island. Details about his murder are sketchy at best. It has been rumored though, that drugs were involved.
[edit] Top 2 Words
Stupid Cool
[edit] Philosophy on Taters
(version 1)
Smeagol asked, "Stupid Fat Hobbit. What is Taters?" The Hobbit said, "Po-Ta-Toes. Boil em', mash em', put em' in a stew." Smeagol says, "Do fat hobbit have any weed Smeagol could have to get high?"
(version 2)
Smeagol asked, "Stupid Fat Hobbit. What is Taters?" THe Hobbit said, "Po-Ta-Toes. Boil em', mash em', put em' in a stew." Smeagol says, "Boil em', mash em', put em' in your ass and you'll see glory."
[edit] Why Gollum thinks Hobbits are Vile and Evil (Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of vile you get evil?! Hyuk! That's pretty awesome!)
Because Gollum thinks Hobbits stole the ring. Duh. Pretty obvious.
[edit] Gollum talks to him self
"Go away" said Gollum to himself and started a conversation.
