Goth Hunting

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your prey....

Unlike this article, which does need love, goths don't and therefore it's perfectly okay to hunt them down.

1 Why goth hunting?
2 Trapping
3 Hunting
4 Surprise Attack
5 Checking your prey over
6 It's very pretty, but what do you DO with it?
7 Help, My Goth ran away!
8 Campaign against Goth Hunting
9 Disclaimer

[edit] Why goth hunting?

It deserves it, that devil-worshipping pansy.
Because you (as a normal human) are the superior race.
If you treat it right, it may never want to leave
Borrowing its stuff is cheaper than buying your own.
It bit you in the neck.
For sport, why else?
Goths taste like chicken.
Because of the lack of natural predators, the population must be culled periodically, or there will not be enough speed, and many will have to actually sleep- it's a humanitarian thing, really.
It makes everyone happy

because they make the human race look bad.

Because once they are all hunted then the world can switch to emo kid hunting.

[edit] Trapping

Step 1: Plant your area with large rose bushes. Make sure they produce black or red roses, and have long, sharp thorns. Let the bushes grow out of control, until your area looks overgrown and romantically neglected. This is the bait.
Step 2: When your prey walks by the trap, he will feel an overwhelming desire to write poetry about it, or should he not be poetically inclined (gasp!), sit in the middle of it and contemplate death. He will approach the roses, leading you to...
Step 3: The fishnet, lace, or other material worn by your prey will catch on the thorns, rendering him motionless.

Altough not as effective, there are other ways to capture a Goth.

Step 1: Break your window and put the glass shards on a little table outside your home.
Step 2: Grab a Cowboy hat, Lasso, and some country music.
Step 3: Wait till the Local goth community is standing around your glass shards cutting themselves with it. This happens terrifically fast. (Their primal instincts tell them where they can cut themselves.)
Step 4: Come out of your hiding place wearing the cowboy hat and singing along a banging country song. This will render the Goths completely stunned.
Step 5: All the Goths are stunned now, throw your lasso over all of them and pull. They are not able to escape from this simply because everything Cowboy burns through their evil minds.

Im a goth + this fucking sucks.

[edit] Hunting

Step 1: Dress in your best blaze black and carry a baseball bat. Drive to an area with a high gothic concentration and mingle with your possible prey. Find a member of whichever sex you may be attraced to. Lower its defenses with Jello shots or other mind-altering substances.
Step 2: If you can lure it outside with offers of sex, do it. Otherwise, knock it unconscious. Tie its wrists and ankles with its own dog collar and bondage bracelets and sling it over the hood of your car. Tie down securely.
Step 3: Go home, point to the thorny brambles in your yard and the bodies hanging from them, and say ominously, "That could have been you." This will convince your goth to stay.

[edit] Surprise Attack

Step 1: Go to your local Goth club. Use any means necessary to get close to the DJ. Have someone create a diversion while you replace his CDs with Spice Girls, Hanson, N*sync, and the Backstreet Boys. Put in your earplugs and wait for the fun.
Step 2: When he plays the switched CDs, everyone in the area will fall to the ground in pain. They will eventually become limp and comatose. Walk among them and choose your prey.
Step 3: Put it in your car and revive it with Sisters of Mercy. The bubble-gum pop experience will have had the effect of a frontal lobotomy. Goths caught in this manner are extremely docile, with a tendency towards drooling.

[edit] Checking your prey over

Congratulations! You've caught a goth! But how do you know it's really a goth? What if it's a Spooky Kid, Emo, Mansonite, or Quantum? Here's a handy test to see if that vision in black really is a goth. If your quarry meets these specifications, be happy (or forlorn, if you will), for you have caught yourself an authentic!

It is sickened by the country-style decor in your kitchen.
It points out the window at all the other goths caught in your rosebushes, and gives you a longwinded speech about how they are NOT goth.
It is NOT goth.
You may not be able to ascertain its gender from physical examination.
It just won't shut up about all those 80s bands.
Ankhs, ankhs everywhere.

If, however, your prey is more similar to these specs, put it back on your rosebushes to starve or be picked up by its mom.

Wearing any Marilyn Manson clothing
If it is wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt it is Emo, or Poser Goth
Ugly, ugly, FUGLY makeup.
Gives a long explanation of what Goth is, with contradictions all over the place.
Is wearing blue jeans or khakis, or anything from the (shudder) Gap.
Is a girl scout, salesman, or Jehovah's Witness. (Don't put the trap in the front yard, people!)

[edit] It's very pretty, but what do you DO with it?

Wear priest robesand force it to touch you in naughty places.
The obvious- sex slave.
Glue a lantern to its hand and make it a darker sort of lawn jockey.
Diminutive Perky Goths make excellent garden gnomes.
Since the Goth wears some quite jazzy makeup you could mount their head as a decorative trophy, but it's advised to keep it away from the kids.
Goths with big hair can be used to dust those high, hard to reach corners.
Film your own sequel to Edward Scissorhands.
Pretend it's your offspring, you get to be on talk shows!
It'll make a good test subject, as long as you are willing to inject him with drugs.
It'll introduce you to all the best people.
Improve your trap- put it in the yard with a sign that says "Goth Babe/Boi of the Week" over it.
Send it out to buy you that bondage gear you've always been afraid to shop for.
It'll make you feel reassuringly normal.
Sell it on ebay.
Or you could just kill it and feed it to a pitbull
Release it to live it's own life (Relatively pointless, will be dead in a week)

[edit] Help, My Goth ran away!

Did the Goth you hunt run away? There's a couple of things you can do.

Check wikipedia to see what to do.
Check the rose bushes in your back yard. It will probably be there.
Build a Starship and hunt it. details can be found here: HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship
Use a big oversized electromagnet to pull it back by its collar.

[edit] Campaign against Goth Hunting

Many goths/emos/punks have been campigning against goth hunting. Such campaigns include boycotting all shops selling eyeliner who support it, petitions (writen in eyeliner) and even threatening to look even more miserable (if its possible) with eyeliner.

If you see any of these type of campaigns they will probably have been something to do with E.A.R.W.I.G. (Equality And Rights Wanted Imediatly for Goths) if you see these campaigns do not forget to try and kill all goths involved, dogs and horses are optional if you have to chase the goth.