Gozo
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: "My pet goat is mine. Including her vagina" | |||||
| Anthem: "Kung fu Karati by Bamboccu" | |||||
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| Capital | Rabat | ||||
| Largest city | Mosta | ||||
| Official languages | Gozitan, Pascal | ||||
| Government | Bestial nihilism | ||||
| -Mr | Giovanna Debono | ||||
| Official Cuisine | Cheeselets, Zobb il-forn, migratory birds, horseshoe crabs, Big mac bought with voucher found on rear bus seat | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Torquemada, John Candy, that priest that had sex with that republican guy | ||||
| Declaration | |||||
| Currency | diamonds and tuna | ||||
| Religion | Festa | ||||
| Population | 100-115 | ||||
“Yeah right! And I live in Thailand!”
~ King of France 2 on Gozo
“What do you mean your son?!”
~ Pope Henry Freeman XVII on Gozitan women
A graph explaining the incremental use of solar energy in Gozo
The island of gozo was invented in 31BC by Jesus's grandfather Thomas Whales. It is situated near Malta in the mediterranean but sometimes drift to the east due to racial harrassment. Gozo is not a real country and some people believe it to be a large barnacle. Most people though, believe they have not heard of it.
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[edit] Politics
The president/king/admin of gozo is Giovanna Debono. It was elected in 1948 by no one in particular but has since estabilished itself like a fleshy anemone on the island and rules it with unwavering discipline. Its rule has been described by historians as "negligible", "Mmmmm....Delicious" and "I have no time for this". Under it's rule several improvements were improved. Sanitation was introduced in a form known as constipation and books were introduced. As of January 2007 13 books have been read, 1 written and 63 given european citizenship. The administration was dealt a severe blow in 2002 when it was revealed that Giovanna Debono is in fact a wombat. This called for a radical change in Gozo's constitution, which at the time did not exist. Therefore a constitution was invented and wombats were declared to be "differently abled people". Giovanna was also declared to be beautiful and it has been proven by gozitan scientists(waiters and traffic lights) that 53.5% of gozitan men daydream of lying naked on top of it and licking its nose, the other 46.5% daydream of lying naked on top of it and licking its ears.
[edit] Geography
Gozo is very small but no one knows it's exact size. This is because measurments were outlawed in 1742 by King Joe the endowed, it is speculated that this was due to his penile insecurity but since speculating on penile insecurity was also outlawed no one knows for sure. Gozo is made largely of limestone and the surface is covered by marble slabs uder which gozitans hide their money. Most of that money dates back to the 1800s and is largely unusable. Gozo does not have many natural resources but is an exporter of goats and toe cancer. Since population is sparse the government has tried to give incentives to people to have sex. This included paying them, fellating them into sexual arousal and a voucher for a KFC bucket for each baby. So far this has failed to produce results.
[edit] Demographics
As of January 2007 in Gozo there are 80 farmers, 10 waiters, 6 archers, 4 hummvees, 1 shaman and 14 priests of which 13 are bishops. 90% of of people are illiterate and only a few own a computer. For every 1 female there are 30 males. The average income per family is that of $2500 per day. 95% of the populations beats their wife, children and pets.
[edit] People
Most people in gozo are uneducated. Much like in chess, careers in gozo are chosen by managing to cross the island. When one reaches the other end he gets promoted to either farmer or waiter depending on the demand. Most people become farmers. Farmers are given a hoe and a cap and they start working in their field. Everyone in gozo owns a field.
Parents will also feed their children to the first wild animal they encounter in a bid to stop pneumonia from killing their children. Another habit gozitans have is that of having sexual intercourse with their goat. Everyone in gozo owns a goat. Goats are regarded to be deities who hunger for sexual favours and will punish their human caretakers if not sufficiently pleased. As of January 2007 no gozitan has been punished by a goat.
Another item that every Gozitan owns is a flat or farmhouse. Maltesers (which are a type of cadbury but left two days in the sun) like to go to Gozo to enjoy sex with goats, sleep in farmhouses and beat wives, children, dogs ... usually this is what a Maltese does in order to book one of these holidays: 1. The male Maltese looks for other friends who might join him for the trip. Ideally there are also females with the group so that he has an excuse of needing the condoms for their sake and not for the goats. 2. The Malteser chooses a number at random that starts 2156 and followed by any other 4 numbers. At the answering form the other side which would go by "ugla bugla gugla", the Malteser asks for a flat or farmhouse and the Gozitan books him for the weekend. 3. The Malteser goes to all supermarkets in Malta to buy milk, bread and bulu beef as no food is available in Gozo. 4. The Malteser speeds up as fast as he can in his car so that maybe he can jump it to Gozo. 98% fail to do this. 1.5% get eaten by Gozitans on arrival. The remaining 0.5% manage to have sex with Govanna Debono and a goat simultaneously. After this they are eaten. The 98% that fall in the sea are pulled up by Gozitans and eaten. The bulu beef is offered as sagrifice to Goats.
[edit] Religion
Religion is dead serious in Gozo and all gozitans fervently follow catholicism. It is estimated that 37% of the whole country is covered in churches. Once a year gozitans have the local "festa" and will run in the street offending the local patron saint with threaths of defiling his mother's vagina and demanding justice from god regarding his or her vagina. In the local tradition this is done by saying "Oxx (insert patron name)" or "Haqq oxx (insert patron name)". Scientists believe that if a gozitan read this article there would be a 67% chance that he says "Haqq insert patron name" during the next festa. The bishop of Gozo is regarded to be the most important person on the island, so much that he counts as 13 people. The bishop is actually a tower crane dressed in violet but no one really cares.
[edit] Relations with neighbouring countries
Relations with neighbouring countries are bad at best. Few countries trade with gozo and most will leave the room offended if someone mentions gozo. The worst relations are those with malta and a gozitan will do his best to kidnap, rape or give cancer to a maltese on sight. Gozitans are known to steal from most foreigners. This is tollerated and it is in fact a crime not to socially degrade a foreigner.
