Gravi-second
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The gravi-second was a non-standard unit of time introduced in various galactic localities following the fifth coming of Christ.
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[edit] Background
The concept of time has always been important for any major culture, and as civilization grew, accurately measuring its passage became a priority for anyone who needed to navigate by the sky, measure scientific data, maintain complex commerce, or work on a limited lunch hour.
As a result history has seen nearly every culture work to perfect the measurement of time, allowing their citizens to carry devices that could determine the precise time with increasingly reliability and accuracy and which could also be set forward ten minutes to avoid being late.
As civilization grew into space, however, a flaw began to emerge with these nifty chronometers. Due to the relativistic effects of motion and gravity, time flows differently in different parts of the galaxy. Something had to be done to restore an anal retentive concept of uniform passage of time.
[edit] The Gravi-Second
The solution — according to the annual commission report to the Congressional subcommittee on temporal weights and measures — was to create a new unit of time — the gravi-second, which was to measure no standard amount of time. Rather, the initial plan was to set specific values for the amount of time that the gravi-second would represent in different areas of the galaxy.
Unfortunately, the committee to which the task of assigning these values was delegated quickly fell to gerrymandering. "This is an outrage!" declared the Decepticon Senator from Alpha Centuri, "The affluent majority is once again engaged in rank imperialism by trying to steal time itself from the Black man! This is a plot to lower the life expectancy of the poor in order to deny them their retirement entitlements."
Interestingly enough, however, the honorable Senator from Alpha Centuri ended up owning property in a high temporal district and quickly made millions from accelerated interest payments on his savings accounts, allowing him to retire at the young age of only 427 gravi-seconds. Because this was the fate of nearly all the committee members, the job was never finished and the gravi-second remained a meaningless measure of time.
[edit] Conversion
Because some habitually late parts of the galaxy still use the gravi-second, here is the conversion method from it to the Microsoft Standard Minute™.
- Begin with the time, as expressed in binary notation.
- add X - where is the rotational speed of your planet in miles/hour.
- multiply by Y - where Y is the mass of your nearest gravitational body in metric tons.
- add 3 if you are left-handed.
- multiply by Z — where Z is any number of your choosing.
- add Z^100 — where Z is a different number of your choosing.
- Ignore your results and pick a new number.
- This is your result.
[edit] Aftermath
Interestingly enough, the gravi-second has not been the only attempt at a universal measure of time. Following the failure of the gravi-second, it was decided that a measure of time should be based on its passage on one central planet. Eventually the planet of New Greenwich 5 was chosen, mainly because its expansive natural reserves of egotism. Time was then kept by a super-precise computer on New Greenwich 5.
Disaster stuck, however, when the computer experienced an error and crashed, stranding all of civilization eternally on Monday morning. As a result the entire population committed suicide in no time at all — literally.
