Great Library of Alexandria
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Alexandria: a history capital, a place of education and learning... and ONE HELL OF A PLACE TO FUCK!”
Great Library of Alexandria was a library curated by Alexandria, the world's sexiest librarian. It contained the wealth of the ancients' knowledge, but was destroyed by an accidental fire cause by the largest recorded flock of homos.
It's kind of a shame that this library burned down. It was a great library. You could go there and get just about any book you wanted, and they let you keep it for like, a month before they got on your ass about returning it.
Also, they had one of those little sitting rooms that had a mini-coffee bar so you could just get yourself a double latte and read your book without anyone messing with you.
They had some pretty cool paintings and stuff in there. And they kept the temperature really nice too, which helps you relax for real while you surf the Web for Mediterranean porn.
I'm telling you, man. If you didn't get the chance to go to this library when it was there, then you really missed out. It was fuckin' great.
Contents |
[edit] A Great Location
The original site of The Great Library of Alexandria was believed to be on the Virginia side of the Toofless River, at the foot of the Merry York Osin mountain range, where Alexandria, Virginia is today.
[edit] Controversy
Some scholars dispute this. They contend that no Southerner would have needed a library, and insist that The Library was a legend that grew out of the Southern Myth of the "Lie Berry," (pictured at right). A fruit that was believed to have properties similar to LSD and other mind-altering drugs, giving the person who ate one, the illusion of intelligence. $cientologists also contend that no "Lie Berry" bush has ever been found, but that's what they said about the ivory-billed woodpecker [1].
[edit] Current Site
Historical preservationists have worked hard to re-build their Southern homeland to it's former glory, and that includes a recreation of The Great Library. This building is located at the corner of Who Reads Anymore Avenue and High Speed Porn Beats Books Anyday Boulevard in Alexandria, Virginia, USA, next to the Wal-Mart. It is often closed due to budget cuts, and KKK rallies.
[edit] A Great History
[edit] Pre-History
During the first Ice Age, the Vikings invaded everyone, as was their custom. Every month, the Vikings picked a new country to invade. Those countries that fell under the marauding hoard were completely and utterly destroyed. Those countries that were able to avoid the wrath of The Red Menace were able to survive and even thrive, despite the ice. One such thrifty band of wee folk were the Scotsmen. And a wee folk they were. (Tom Cruise is said to be part gay and part Scottish.) What the Scots lacked in height they more than made up in gumption. As the Scots saw the Vikings over the horizon, they gathered up their skirts and haggis and ran away to what is now America.
[edit] Would you be a dear and pluck me an apple from yon branch?
For many centuries the Scots and Native Peoples of the North American continent lived side by side, eventually sharing genes--if you know what I mean. But no amount of race-mixing could grow a Scotsman (as the old saying goes), so the wee folk continued to rely on the Native Peoples to reach for things from the upper branches of the trees and other activities normal people do for wee folk even to this day. In exchange, the Native Peoples were treated to elaborate snging and dancing routines put on by the Scots as a way of saying "Thank You" to their friends for all the fruit over the years.
[edit] Columbus, That Bastard
Things changed drastically for the quaint continent when the Europeans showed up. Since the Scots were just as white as the lost Spaniards, they were spared any harm. (Plus they were the perfect height to rest a beer can upon) But, the Native Peoples did not fare as well. They lost much of their land, and most of their relatives to forced long marches to lands less hospitable than their own.
In rememberance of their friends, the Scots decided to collect and preserve items that were special to them. Very little remained after the diaspora, however. The Scots may have lost their friends, but they hadn't lost their gumption (remember from before?). In short time, the collection became vast and known throughout the civilized world. The notoriety caused problems for The Library. When they were sober, the Scottsmen realized that the white man could get wind of it and come to tear it down.
[edit] The American Civil War
The white man began the full manifestation of the continent once he reserved all the Native Peoples. He built many cities and created an economy. But soon the white man got bored as there was no brown-skinnded peoples left to get rid of. No one to buy and sell. No one's head to set beer cans on. Since this was decades before the SUV was invented, and the current guns could not compensate enough for their "Little Scotsmen", the white man decided to start a war.
Up and down the continent, they raped and pillaged. Sober again, the Scotsmen remembered what had happened to their good friends, and decided to skeedaddle. Then the Svalbard World Empire came into being and took over where the Scots left off, the only resistance was in Sicily which they couldn't attack for it's not a country.
[edit] The Destruction of a Great Library
Not long after the last Scotsman ran away, the library was burned to the ground. There is controversy over who actually burned down the library. Some believe that it were the Scotsmen by accident as they ran away, others believe the southerners, unable to read and not enjoying the taste of lattes became angered and burned the building to the ground. The two other highly debated theories are of a Caesar salad trojan horse being left within the library at night allowing a million midgets to enter the building in off hours, raiding it. The midgets though did not know that what they were going into was a library with a bunch of crappy books filled with information they could find on the internet. Angered, they burned down the library, forgetting that they themselves were still in the library and therefore, doomed themselves. The final theory is of a dark night from windhamshire coming down on the library while in search of a boy with a lightning scar on his forehead. He saw the building, was angered by the fact that it held a starbucks while there was another starbucks directly behind him, and then used a spell of burning causing 2d6 + 4 damage to the building. Although the spell was not strong enough to burn the building down itself, it did expose faulty wiring which then ignited, causing the building to collapse and all the stupid latte machines to burn along with them.
[edit] Books and Periodicals
- The complete "You Know You're a Redneck" encyclopedia
- "The Big Book of Legal Age of Consent Laws"
- The entire "Left Behind" series
- "Long and Hard: A Story About A Boy and his Shotgun"
[edit] Artwork
- "Automobile on Jacks"
- "Refrigerator on Lawn"
- "A Full Set of Human Teeth"
- "The Free-standing Mullet"
- "The Tower of Budweiser"
