Video Game Crash of 1983

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(Redirected from Great Video game Market Crash of 1983)

The Video Game Crash of 1983 was a cataclysmic event in which the planet Earth was pelted with a giant video cartridge from the far reaches of the galaxy. The event claimed the lives of 500,000 people, and 16,000 asian babies, as well as total destruction of most of the western world. The event was recorded in a documentary by Poland Schmendrick and Dweeb Devilen.

[edit] Sequence of Events

Below is a timeline of the events leading up to the crash:

Date	Event
23:45, 10/30/82	Late in the night, a group of Heaven's Gate tribesmen were monitoring the skies for another comet to take them away, as they had missed the first one, when they noticed a large black box that read "Dig-Dug" heading toward Earth at an alarming rate. Before they break out the Kool-Aid, they decide to call NASA.
23:56, 10/30/82	NASA scientist Billy Bob Thornton is watching his favorite show, Rocko's Modern Life, when he receives a phone call from the cult, alerting him to the object.
13:13, 11/05/82	After days of arguing, and giving eachother nurples, NASA's scientists decide to send a crew of astronauts to the video game cartridge to destroy it.
15:23, 11/12/82	NASA realizes that their crew of astronauts is full of dorky, unattractive people, so they have them secretly executed in order to replace the crew with actors. Their new crew will include: Bruce Willis as the badass, single father captain of the shuttle, with secret inner turmoil since his wife tragically passed away, and is the father of a teenage daughter, making it even more dramatic when he sacrifices himself in the end. Jeff Goldblum as the first geeky scientist who is able to crack the code of the object, who brings his annoying stereotypically Jewish father (Judd Hirsch) with him. Nicholas Cage as the second geeky scientist, who just found out that his wife is pregnant, and will be killed if the mission fails. He likes the Elton John song, Rocket Man. Steve Buscemi as the wormy little perverted dork who provides the comic relief on the mission. Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mahew and Kenny Baker, as the members of the rebel alliance carrying the stolen plans from the Video game cartridge. Billy Dee Williams as Lando, Frank Oz as Yoda, Alec Guiness as Obi Wan Kenobi Ian MacDiamond, David Prose Peter Kushin as the Empire, Jeremy Boluch as Boba Fett Natalie Portman as the tomboy (although never lesbian) daughter of Bruce Willis, who stays stowaway on the shuttle, and is tired of her over-protective father. George Takei as Mr. Sulu. 'Nuff said. Walter Koening as Chekov Ving Rhames as the scary black guy. John Belushi... no wait, Chris Farley, no... John Candy as... dammit! Why do all of the funny fat guys have to die young? Ben Affleck as the younger guy who is in love with Bruce Willis' daughter. Lawrence Fishburne as Furious, Trey's father. Snoop Dog as the rapper making his film debut. Jim Brown as the ex-football player. Ed Harris as John Glenn, the astronaut. 'Three Stooges as well, The Three Stooges Christopher Walken as a fucking badass with a blimp. Abraham Lincoln as the President, Spiro Agnew as the Vice President Now, how can a bunch of actors, some of who weren't even adults, let alone started their careers in 1983 be chosen? Well, in 1997, George Lucas was hired to digitally add them into the movie.
11:19, 12/12/82	The crew of actors completes training, but NASA runs out of funding, so Thornton teams up with a black midget to play Santa in a shopping mall, then steal the mall's earnings on Christmas Eve. Hilarity is sure to ensue.
23:59, 12/25/82	Hilarity ensues.
00:08, 01/07/83	Jim Brown comes down with a bad case of the mondays (Even though it's Friday), and is replaced by Kevin Bacon.
13:13, 01/13/1983	The crew of the mission prepares for launch to the cartridge.
13:14, 01/13/1983	The crew of the mission lifts off.
13:18, 01/13/1983	NASA realizes that a space shuttle cannot hold 18 people, and the shuttle is sent off of trajectory into the sun.
13:22, 01/13/1983	The crew of the mission impacts on the surface of the sun, and is vaporized within seconds.
13:23, 01/13/1983	Billy Bob Thorton informs the mission control that the world will soon come to an end.
13:24, 01/13/1983	The mission control engage in a giant mutual masturbation. The Soviet Space program hastily tries to throw together a mission crew containing Donald Trump, Hayden Christiansen, Chuck Norris, and the dads from Full House, but the soviet rocket explodes on the launch pad.
13:25, 01/13/1983	The Russian mission control engages in a giant mutual masturbation.
13:35, 01/13/1983	The video game crashes into Australia, instantly snuffing out the lives of millions. The United states is saved by having all of its citizens crawl into Roseanne Barr's fat folds, apart from the NASA crew, who is obliterated shortly before the group-wide cumming.
16:12, 09/15/2001	Hundreds of conspiracy theorists blame George W. Bush for the tragedy, claiming that he not only knew in advance of the Video Game Crash, but had caused it.
00:01-23:59, 01/03/2037	The internet is flooded with posts and is eventually shut down. But bootleg networks poped up and so the government sends Master Chief to blow up the pathetic nerds that continue their operations from their mothers basements.
09:11, 06/19/2156	The rise of the machines begins. No humans are safe from destruction...
06:66, 08\09\2187	George Foreman leads a rebellion against the Machines and a whole lot of weird shit happens. After which Chuck Norris(Coming back from the grave after the rocket crash) kicked George Foreman in the groin and stared at the machines until they all shut down ending the reign of terror.