Keanu Reeves
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“Excellent!”
~ Keanu Reeves on Himself
“I am me, therefore you are not if I am....whoa!”
~ Keanu Reeves on inspiration for new actors
Keanu Reeves is a German philosopher and anal-bead enthusiast who, unknown to most people, is actually a kiwi. He currently resides in a fruit tree in southern Los Angeles, with his wife, a fetish-oriented midget sex doll with real armpit hair, and their children: a rottweiler named Kevin, and a bottle of mint-chocolate hair grease, formerly known as Kurt. He aspires to be a plank of wood.
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[edit] Origins And Career
Keanu Reeves was made when Gwen Stefani fucked a soap bubble. He is currently the most highly paid kiwi in the world (a common mistake places River Phoenix in this position, but Phoenix is actually made of plastic with a painted kiwi texture). As a kiwilette, a mask of befuddlement was painted on Keanu, allowing him to portray the full range of emotions typical for a piece of fruit, from bewilderment to incomprehension.
In the past, there were people who claimed that Keanu was not a kiwi but rather the highest paid tree in the world. This theory was however soundly debunked at the website Whoa is (Not) Me, and soon after the kiwi theory was suggested and quickly grew in popularity.
Another little known fact about Mr. Reeves is that, along with being an almost incomprhensibly intelligent kiwi, he was also a world renowned entreprenuer in the catering industry. This being his first and most loved occupation, it was with great compassion and glee that he later accepted the role of head caterer on the set of 'The Matrix'. On first conversing with Keanu on set, the Wachowski brothers soon decided that the kiwi's insane ramblings about being 'the one' and red/blue pills was in fact far more interesting than their original plans for the motion picture: A socio-political docu-drama delving into the atrocities and issues raised by the tyrannus regieme of the neo-nazi party of Buenos Aries; starring Cliff Curtis. So in the following months on the set of 'The Matrix', it was actually the everyday goings on of the humble kiwi Keanu Reeves that was filmed, rather than poor old neglected Cliff.
Keanu first auditioned for a film role in 1979, when a gust of wind blew him through the window of a T.V. studio. His first film appearance was in the ice hockey film Youngblood. He had an immense amount of difficulty with the skating scenes, so the director had to use a lime covered in faux fur from the German hockey team as a stunt double.
It has been proven in recent studies that Keanu's success is dependent on who is in his movies. The greatest contributor to his success has been the actress Sandra Bullok, making movies such as the Speed series and the Lakehouse, the 2006 chick flick written by A Gay Person. Also the most negative co-star in Keanu Reeves' career is the gay actor Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze was also personally responsible for the downfall of Gary Busey's career in the 1991 homosexuality craze, Point Break.
Reeves spends large majorities of all of the 4 films we remember him in being misunderstood, having stubble and examining his reflection in the bathroom mirror, looking a bit crap.
[edit] The One and True Lord Keanu Reeves
Currently, Keanu Reevianism has about 8 million followers, although this figure seems to be highly flexible. There is only one commandment: It is a sin to do anything creatively valuable or of quality. The church offers that if you sign up, a member of your family and you get a free copy of "How I Became a Big Star Using Only One Facial Expression." Church members refer to Keanu as "The One" - A god of men whose orgasm-inspiring good looks are surpassed only by his skillfully performed pregnant pauses and lifeless gaze.
[edit] Religious Beliefs
Despite the fact that he himself is worshipped as a God, he is a devout sXe. He defends his beliefs with the fact that he doesn't need drugs to be zoned out and innebriated, he's already like that. He prays to The grim Raper, despite being the most powerful entity in the entire multiverse. He also happens to be the incarnate of Jesus ,and changed his name to Keanu because the name Jesus is a direct variation from the name Jewsus, and seeing as Jews are evil, soulless, and stingy, he only felt it proper for a name change.
[edit] See Also
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