Greek

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Classical Greek art speaks for itself.

by Herodotus

“Ancient Greek soldiers with their genitals uncovered... fantastic times.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ancient Greek culture

“Ancient Greek soldiers with their genitals uncovered...”

~ Damian Panciera on Ancient Greek Culture

1 Summary
2 Mythology
3 Sociology
- 3.1 Ancient Greece - Primates
4 Technology

[edit] Summary

Drop the ‘r’ and you’ve got Geek. Accustomed as I am to completely making things up on the fly, like Ionic history for 805 – 754 BC (I mean, Croesus of Lydia?! Jeez, you’re easy), I could have written an article entirely about this. Minotaurs with glasses and pocket protectors and the like (see Geece). Don’t put it past me. Now, most real Greeks’d punch you in the face for doing a thing like that. They’re quite aware as am I, that Greek culture, not Geek culture, is rich, compelling and involves a lot of eating and drinking (though admittedly not until the Romans did feasting reach its apex, with the highly-vaunted vomitorium). One could write volumes detailing each and every discarded toenail clipping of Greekdom.

But you can sum it all up thusly:

Greek Men Are Shallow.

Greek Men Love Exploits.

[edit] Mythology

Greek mythology offers us the finest examples of Greek culture and, more importantly, the mindset of the Greek male. I confine our disclosure to them only as you, dear reader, may produce a solid working definition of the culture’s feminine species merely by considering a composition in divergence of whatever you read here. And as a male myself, I must be honest this one time and confess I do not understand the other sex. Let us promptly view some cases in point:

[edit] Zeus

Chief amongst the Greek pantheon, Zeus fell into bed with anything: women, boys, swans, heifers, you name it. Providing this excellent moral example to the young, the ruler of Mount Olympus shows considerable time management skills in keeping all these lovers satisfied while simultaneously putting on a good show deceiving his wife Hera (at least for a while). With over five dozen acknowledged children, Father’s Day at Olympus must be swell, but Christmas shopping a real drag.

[edit] Pan

And his nymphs. Wonder where nymphomaniac comes from? Now you know.

[edit] Jason

Okay, here was a guy who never knew when to stop. Some warning signs:

Was raised by a horse. Well, a centaur, specifically. Makes for weird manners.
Had one sandal only. The mayor was afraid of him. Probably suspected athlete’s foot.
Got a bunch of guys together on a boat. Doubt they were just fishing.
Stopped off at an island full of dykes. Turned them back into man-lovers, oh yeah.
Picked up the boss’s daughter on this other island. Pretty smart chick. Tough to handle though.
Found a patch of yellow sheep’s hair; kept it, might come in handy.
Boss wanted fleece really badly. Odd fetish. To stop him from chasing the Argo as they escaped, chopped his son into small pieces and dropped them in the harbor. Daughter went along with Jason, didn’t seem to have any feelings about it. May be a sociopath.
Acted like King Shit once back in town.
Broke promise to be faithful to Medea. Well, he was doing karaoke in this club, and I guess he was really good, and this girl came up…
Drunk, no friends, out of favor with the Gods, nowhere to go. Pitching under the stern of the Argo and rotten chunk falls on him. Lights out.

I mean, Warning: Go back to number 8 or something, Two-Step. Bit late now, though, ain’t it.

[edit] Trojan War

Typical Greek male: His name is Theo, he can make a fortune in shipping, pick up the dead President's widow, get on the cover of Esquire magazine.

Hey, I got around to scratching this down about fifteen hundred or so years after it actually happened, so don’t knock me if I get some of the finer points out of whack, okay? Standout examples:

Penisface

Who else do you know who would ceremonially sacrifice his own daughter in order to be the leader of the War Fleet That Gets There On Time?

Ajax

Following the death of Achilles at Troy, some heated discussion broke out about who should get his nice duds. Should the armor go to Ajax, the bravest, or Odysseus, the most wise? Well, the Greek team votes for Oddy, and guess who runs off for a sulk in his tent.Yep thats right,little Ajax. He ends up killing a bunch of sheep, then killing himself out of guilt.

Achilles Got in a sulk after Agamemnon refused to give him a woman. Later decided to fight after his male 'friend' got killed. Died after getting an arrow through his ankle.

The Horse

Most people are unaware of this, but as it was a city horse, all it really wanted to do was deliver milk. Prefiguring the modern battle tank as the first enclosed war machine you put people inside, the horse is an unsung Greek hero.

Odysseus

Actually a jerk, who thought up the stupid idea with the horse. Some way or another, the Trojans were stupid enough to haul in the horse and be killed by Odysseus' men. Of course Odysseus was punished by the great Greek-pounding Rabbit of Troy (...not).

[edit] Sociology

Greece has ever been a country involved in strife. This has heavily affected the driving, eating and sexual habits of the Greek male, for he is perpetually worried that someone is about to attack him and therefore lunges first. The following brief historical retrospective (my specialty!) should clarify the subject:

[edit] Ancient Greece - Primates

As misinformed as people may be in todays' society, as to the sexuality of the Ancient Greek men, they would be astonished to find that there is evidence to support both hetero and homo sexual claims. Hetero maintaining that majority; it's what kept the civilisation going. Explaining to all the other evolving primates that the human anatomy has certain do's and don'ts was where there was a break-down in communication and all they learned was "GAY". How unfortunate. I.e. Bumb-cleaving is strictly forbidden, unless you enjoy it. Pleasure and Pain. Also known as modern-day Pornography, Sex, Drugs, Rock N' Roll, Hip Hop, Hardcore, First Base, Second Base, Third Base, Home-Run, the Warm Banana Split, Free Willy, Hot n' Heavy, Slip and Slide, The Porpoise Dance, Flip-her, Sperm Wail, etc. Irony comes in many forms.

[edit] Athens – Sparta

Hmmm…nude polis democracy versus homo-erotic totalitarianism. And you don’t get to pick which one you start out in.

Intellectual Fighters v.s. Actual Fighters...Turns out you should show some respect to both.

[edit] Greece – Troy

Noted above. The Greek mafia gets all the gangs together into one super invasion force, then go barely two klicks to torch a shop on the east side of town. All this over a girl.

Sneaky Sneaky...Tricksy Little Hobbitses...My Precious...

[edit] Greece – Achaemenid Empire (Persia)

Weird architecture. Numbers that aren’t even really there. Smoking out of a water bong. What else do you need to say about those other guys?

These examples should get you going on a good grasp of what it means to be Greek. You could continue studying on your own, but I really suggest you find another article ‘cause this one’s done. And for the record, I’m not Greek. I’m a recovering Ionic. ~H.

1400...against the Hell risen...I'll give you a Inifinity to One odds the 1400 can hold back the nearly 1,000,000 Persian army. For 3 days. I'd be rich.