Green crystal upgrade
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The green crystal upgrade was designed in 2003 for use in Australian households who lived in marginal ADSL2+ broadband areas where the phone cables are not up to standard. The green crystal is applied to your modem/router to achieve internet speeds of at least 500x that of standard dial-up internet.
[edit] So, what does the green crystal upgrade do?
Well, what doesn't it do?
- Will not cause civil unrest in Muslim countries.
- Will not make you a cup of tea.
- Is inedible to the mighty grue.
[edit] So, it will make me coffee then?
Yes. With the Hot Coffee patch, you will be able to download all the cuppa-mocha-Charlie Sheen-o you could possibly consume.
You can also get a green crystal upgrade to your Xbox 360. But you must have it connected to a green crystal compatible router.
[edit] So, what are the benefits of upgrading my Xbox 360?
The Xbox 360 green crystal upgrade will waterproof your console. This means no more nasty electrical incidents while playing in the shower, at the aquarium or in Melbourne. Unfortunately, the Xbox360 crystal will shatter and cause horrific injuries when photographed. Therefore, a six-year old artists impression is shown (left).
[edit] I'm sold! Where do I get one?
Unfortunately, due to popular demand, the green crystal upgrades are no longer available on the open market. Nowdays, you will have to be invited by a current upgrade owner to fill in an application form. The main condition of being accepted to receive the green crystal upgrade is to break an arm and a leg. Multiple fractures to your appendages will help your application through the system, whereas simple flesh wounds or terrorist bombings will invalidate your claim.
[edit] Other inferior upgrades
[edit] Red and green crystal upgrade
Developed by Microsoft in an effort to cash in after the green crystal upgrades were withdrawn from sale. They were available for purchase for around AUD$130 plus postage and handling but none were ever sold due to claims that the mighty grue found them to be quite tasty.
[edit] Wet string
Heralded as ADSL2+(X), by running a piece of wet string between your house and the telephone exchange you could increase your internet speed to even greater heights. But this was proved wrong with various string theories that concluded tying knots in the string caused buffer errors while streaming live pornography.
