Grey Cup

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The Grey Cup was once the legendary chalice of Jesus Christ. Legend has it that it was the cup that caught Christ's blood on the crucifix. Lost for thousands of years, it was later unearthed by Canadian archaeologists in league with Joseph Smith of the Mormon LDS Church. Who actually decided to make it the coveted prize of the Canadian Football League (or CFL) is unclear, and much contested. No one has actually seen the cup itself, as it is reputed to be not literally "inside" the form that the current Grey Cup tropy takes. Subsequently little about the cup or the details of its actual discovery/recovery are known. There are some facts involving this topic that are not yet known.

[edit] History of the League

The Canadian Football League (or CFL) began as a sort of Rugby-like game, with most non-French Canadian men of adult standing participating at some point. At that time in Canadian history there weren't too many men available for sport, and many of them were quite short. Many men eligible to play the game were busy cutting down trees, trapping beavers, whoring in Buffalo, N.Y. or Curling. With the eventual establishment of rules in the late 1960s the game became far less entertaining, and much more commercially successful. The game was loosely patterned on American Football, with some special modifications for the extra-short quarterbacks and the extra short attention spans of a nation enraptured with the high speed games of Ice Hockey and Curling. Extra long end zones were built into the fields, there are 3 downs, motion before the snap by the offense is allowed, and the final game of the season must take place in a snowstorm, and preferably in Ontario. The regular season was standardized to take place in the Canadian summer, which is 7 weeks long and often (but not always)runs somewhere between July and early September.

[edit] The Ball

The ball used in Canadian football is exactly like an American football, except it has stripes on it and is not quite as materialistic, and maybe a little more European in attitude and political tendencies. Also the ball in Canadian football is larger than the one used in American football because Canadians are just used to having bigger balls than their American counterparts. It is an oblate spheriod or at least not quite unlike one. It is made from the skin of a pig. It is primarily used for kicking, throwing and carrying.

[edit] The Regular Season

As of 2007, The CFL season includes:

A fight between the players moms over a 3 week brawl in mid-June
A 5 game regular season - 3 games without helmets and 2 games with helmets but the ball is replaced with a beaver.
A 6-team playoff tournament beginning in November or Canada's Nouvemau and climaxing in the Grey Cup. Championship teams get to punch each other blindfolded at the coin toss to make things interesting and 2 or 3 playoff games are played without lights, including the Grey Cup game, depending on if the value of a pint of Canada's moose sperm is greater than the Mexican Peso before game time.

[edit] The Final Game

Every year teams from each Canadian province compete for the cup. The winning team of the finals gets to bring the cup home. Besides the reward of bragging rights the cup may grant magical powers to whoever drinks from it. It is rumoured to possibly be able to give the drinker the power of invisibility, flight, and x-ray vision. Some say that the cup has no magical properties whatsoever and that these powers are merely beer-induced hallucinations. This is entirely plausible since the only beverage drunk from the cup in post-victory celebrations is Canadian beer.

[edit] Broadcasting

The principal television broadcasters of CFL games gave up in the late 70s so the games are not on TV since most Canadians sold them for a quick Maple Sugar Highs. Beginning in 2008 CFL season, TitsNass TV will be the exclusive television and internet broadcasters of all CFL games, including the playoffs and Grey Cup which will be renamed the TitsNass Fuckfest and the playoffs will now be called the Why Am I In Canada Contest.