Guatemala
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“In the Free World, I own the template!!”
“too spooky for me”
~ Lord Sauron on Guatemala
“Dangerous...”
~ Satan on Guatemala
| |||||
| Motto: Rubios, Solo Para Ganadores | |||||
| Anthem: El Gran Gallo | |||||
| Capital | Guatemala City | ||||
| Largest city | Guatemala City, 2,655,900 (metro. area), 1,128,800 (city proper) | ||||
| Official languages | Spanish 60% Mayan 38% Zimbabwean 1% English1% | ||||
| Government | A group of coke dealers run the nation.
leader_names = President: Carlos Ruiz, Vice-President: Don Omar | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Campero from Camperonix | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Sptember 17, 5000 ac | ||||
| Currency | Quekzales (Q) | ||||
| Religion | {{{religion}}} | ||||
| Population | 2 Billion People | ||||
| Area | Land area: 41,865 sq mi (108,430 sq km); total area: 42,042 sq mi (108,890 sq km) | ||||
| Calling code | 1777 Sabor Campero!! | ||||
The Republic of Guatemala is a small country famous for inventing the "Guatermelon" Located south of the border of the country south of the border, according to American specialists.
The country was almost chosen by U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt as the site of the world-famous Panama Canal, but it turned out the workers could not get a good blowjob there, so the project was relocated to Panama. The move turned out to be a wise one, since the canal was already named after Panama in the first place, and the decision saved a lot of trouble concerning naming rights. A similar misunderstanding about the Panama Hat cost an estimated 90 million lives due to fighting and malaria, and fighting about malaria. Guatemala is also famous for hosting various vampire conventions since Count Dracula went into exile and left translivania. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Van Helsing the other more newbie-like famous vampire slayer have been quoted several times saying that "Vampires and mexican food mixed together make a hard kill."
Contents |
[edit] History
Growing out dumb indians of the capital city, "Guatemala," the populous state of 147 million people (known as Guacatamoleans) became independent from the Spanish in 1821 togheter with Mexico, country which stole part of Guatemala territory just like the US did with Mexico. (mexicans call it poetic justice) However, they thought that if they were Mexicans it would make it difficult for them to immigrate to U.S. of A. so they decided to secede from Mexico and to have a country of their own so they wouldn't have to travel under Mexican passports. For a while, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua and Costa Rica tried to be one country only, but, unfortunately for Guacamolinatamokinaites at home and abroad, it promptly fell into Civil War that broke their Federation apart and, the sad news about it is, they remain in Civil war til today, with the industrialized Yankees battling the gentlemanly agricultural Rebels over the issue of slavery also. At one point we had the sad situation of the Guacamolainians being at war with the Salsa, a battle of ages acted out to this day in living rooms around the world.
However, suffering and misery where not the only result of the civil war caused by the "oneo biggo countryo" plan. Fortunately, the conflict between farmers and Yankees gave Efraín Rios Montt, one of Guatemala's most beloved and revered politicians, the opportunity to rise in power and offer a helping hand to the subdued and needy indigenous population of Guatemala. When Guatemala's Head of Congress, the respected/feared Pin Plata was forced into exile (due to an incident with a Marimba and a goat of which details are kept in the dark), Rios Montt rose up to the challenge and replaced him as the most influential and powerful congressman in Guatemala. Rios Montt used his newly aquired political power to organize the single largest fundraiser ever known to humanity.
Making use of the collosal facility located near the army's soccer stadium, the "Campo de Marte" for the first time in 200 years, Rios Montt organized the "Indio sonriente" (translated in english as " for progress and equality")fundraiser where he danced tirelessly and courageously the ancient dance of "el meneaito" for 72 hours nonstop. Moved by such an heroic demonstration of courage and selflesness, the Guatamoletekans donated the incredible amount of 2,675,235.01 Quetzales (33.56 Dollars)which ended the country’s economic depression and placed a T.V. on every home.
Not much more is known about Guatemala’s history, mainly due to illiteracy. However, efforts are being made to translate the writings of “El Makako, cdd” the last known historian (last known literate citizen in fact)
[edit] Government
- Generally corrupt, incompetent and male.
- Occasionally corrupt, incompetent and female.
- Honest, humanitarian cyborg Grues
- Is partially Guatemalan.
The actual leader of government is often referred as El Conejo (Guatemalan for "El Rabbito").
[edit] National Heroes
[edit] GUATEMALA
All Guatemalans have a saint in which they believe in, the biggest is St. Pedro Sanchez the creator of the holy Griin Card
[edit] Rigoberta Menchú
Guatemala's sex symbol, the beloved and respected Rigoberta Menchu,(also know as "La Rigo" or "La Rigo-Muphin") was born in chichicastenango, one of Guatemala's city states, around 236 B.C. A prominent sharpshooter at the age of 14, she used her influences to enter politics. Rigoberta is known around the world for her expertise on handling explosives and guiding her pupil Atticus Finch into the principles of vegetarianism and political assassination. Menchú's short-lived career in politics began when she joined the congress in 1954. However, her run for presidency was ruined when rumours about her affairs with Hitler reached the ears of dark lord Sauron. Lord Sauron,supreme ruler of Mordor and Menchú's lover at the time, reacted to Menchús infidelity by attacking Guatemala. This attack angered the Guacamoletekans and caused Menchú to be exiled into Antartica. The attack on Guatemala caused by what was later called "The Love Triangle of Death" by many historians, left a toll of 3 wounded, 5 killed and 23 sodomized.(including the Guatemalan Martyr Puki, Menchú's poodle )
[edit] TECUN HUMAN
He was one of the Indians mas machos from Central America. He battled the Spanish conquistadors, killing their horses and most of their soldiers but was betrayed by a whore. Don Pedro De Alvarado chopped of his head while getting a blowjob from one of Tecun's whores. He was Rigoberta Menchu's G-G-G... Grand Papa. what people dont know is that he had 4 bastard sons, one later known as Apachi Cheif from Superfriends
[edit] CARLOS PEÑA
This young gay singer is about to become the best singer in the history of pop music, ever. He recently won the equivalent of American Idol in Latin America, named Latino Americano Idolo, beating up a mexican. This last part made all of Guacamoltecans very happy, and now Peña has become the new national hero (the first one to be born in the 20th century). Peña can't read or write, but can sing, dance, play the guitar, and has the voice of a salsa singer (Just like Rico Martian). He won because all Guacamoltecans have cell phones and voted for him, even the lady at the corner who sells tortillas with beans. Just recently, elections were held in Guatemala and Peña won with 97% of the votes, just above a Brave Mayan Warrior known as Otto Perez "el loco" Molina, (a man know to be obsessed with fists and fisting "mareros" or gangtas up the a-hole) and a moronic Janano idiot known as Alvaro Colom with no Cojones who later claimed office.
[edit] CHILEL
This is another of the Guakatemoletecans heroes, he evaded the polices, hidden in the Skirts of the Volcano Tajumulco en the departamento of San Narcos, that is not all, he made a bullet-storm over a picop-truka and he mock the Gringolandia Police called F.B.I (Feos Brutos e Idiotas), he made up the cocain in Guatermelonlandia, and he is hidden under a tortule in el Caribe
[edit] Cultural Activities and Customs
- Swatting malaria-ridden mosquitoes.
- The national anthem of Guatemala is "Shapoopy" sung by Peter Griffin
- Listening to Daddy Yankee while shooting at Don Omar on live concerts.
- Drumming the same beat of reggeaton and calling it music
- Go to movies, specially X rated movies on Cine Lux
- Watching the Rojos beat the Cremas time after time
- Watch Mexican television specially telenovelas (soap operas)
- Favorite sport is Midget Wrestling starring El Mini Santos.
- Fight each other between Mara 18 or Salvatrucha
- Farting in church
- Burning the flags of all oter countries
- Make love anywhere they can
- Praying to the holy god of the Griin Card
- Eat Cheveres for lunch
- Eat Shukos & Kahlua every single Weekend
- EQUISHELE Botran (XL), Guatemala's favourite beverage, alongside rapin Indita (Little indian girl).
- They also love Beer. Also known as "Gallo" the highly disputed second favorite drink in guatemala.
[edit] Notable Groups of Guacamoltekanchichenmojoniteklanitzu Society
- Mara Salvatrucha
The infamous mara salvatrucha first arrived in guatemala after the death of their leader Sauron due to hearthbreak( caused by Rigoberta Menchu's betrayal) from their native land of mordorteklanitza. Since their arrival their contibutions to guacamoltekan society has changed guatemala drastically. Firstly, they have pioneered the prostitution industry and currently have over 1 gajillion "putas" and "huecos" earning a living in la 18 calle, zona 1 (zona 1 now known as centro prostu-torico). They have also established many "puterias" that provide a safe and enjoyable and of course perverse playground for president el conejo and other governmental officials.
[edit] Food
The main diet of most guacamoleans consists of
- SHUCOS= Guatemalan hotdogs made with the ground meat from "mareros" or "cholos".
Important note- A smal half-starved boy is featured in the guiness book of world record for eating the most shucos in one minute. 238.5 shucos.
[edit] Economy
[edit] Imports
Cocaine, Unwanted Tourists
[edit] Exports
Guatemala exports mainly Nescafé, Rum Botran(XL), wetbacks (mojados), fruit loops, apple strudels and McDonald's pickles. Monte & Tiro ( Pot & Coke)
[edit] Transports
Guatemala serves as the main bridge for narcotraffic in the region. 12% of national GDP is based on bribes to UFOs on its way to South America from Mexico. They are mainly scummy people who like to have large familys.
A big beneficiary from trade agreements with neighboring EL Salvador, Guatemala is a major importer of El Salvadoran prostitutes, estimated at 2 million currently employed in the country with work visas, 20% in governmental positions. El Salvador in turn is benefiting from the highly skilled labor crossing the border from Guatemala to meet its ever increasing job market for gangstas or "mareros" (from the Latin "mara" which means "gangsta"). Guatemalans chasing dreams of ho's, smack, and shooting da poo-lice are enticed to move by employment offers at respected local organizations such as "Mara 18" (Latin for "gansta 13") and "Salva-trucha" (Spanish for "ho-killas") gentlemen's club.
[edit] Weather
The climate in Guatemala is sometimes warm and sometimes cold. It receives rain sometimes. It's also very average and mild. The truth is that Guatemala is a dull place. A bad weather usually wrecks something in the city, last wreck = Carretera al Salvador km. 10
[edit] National Bird
The Quetzal is Guatemala's national bird. Its feathers are in seven colors. It is said that anyone seeing it is promised eternal happiness, Followed by the deaths of their childrens, children.
[edit] National Anthem
The National Anthem of the Republic of Guatemala was written by Ricardo Arjona, born in Chichicastenango on a Sunday, Feb 30, 1969, a date that later became a national holiday and is now celebrated pretty much like christmas. (no kidding)
Words by: José Joaquín Palma Music by: Rafael Alvarez Ovalle Adopted: 1897 (lyrics slightly modified in 1934)
Written in response to a contest colling for a national anthem to be adopted, the first ever playing of the winning entry took place during a lyric-literary meeting taking place at the Colon Theater, the night of Sunday 14 March 1897, as one of the main events of the Central American Exposition, and the author of the music -Maestro Rafael Alvarez- was decorated with a gold medal and honor diploma. The author of the lyrics, however, was submitted anonymously, it was not until 1911, when it was discovered that the author was the Cuban poet Jose Joaquin Palma, who on his deathbed was honored with a silver wreath placed on his head, while outside the public and the bands sang the Himno Nacional.
The lyrics were modified slightly in 1934 by Professor Jose Maria Bonilla Ruano, a Spanish grammar scholar. Some verses were softened in their bloody context while others were enhanced in their poetic beauty.
The anthem has four verses (including four separate choruses at the end of each verse). Unlike many other nations with multi-verse anthems, all four verses are official and sung in Guatemala
CHORUS: Your fair flag, flying freely in the wind, Will call to you: Conquer or die; For your people, with heart and soul, Would prefer death to slavery.
[edit] External Links
The best jokes Guatemalans can do
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