Guinea pig
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A guinea pig is a shit tube with a brain. Stuff goes into this tube at one end and comes out of the other. The purpose of the brain is to cause the tube to find more stuff to eat. Just underneath the brain, near the feet, is a squeaking muscle shaped like a kidney bean. If the brain thinks, even just for a second, that there is the remotest possibility of food, anywhere, within a fifty mile radius, then it sends a signal to the squeaking muscle, which then squeaks. Squeaks can also be elicited by tissues, your homework, feathers, and the rustling of plastic bags, all of which are incredibly delicious to the guinea pig.
The guinea pig brain is capable of detecting food if it slides, trembles or breathes. It is also capable of transmitting up to thirty squeaks a second. If you took nine hundred and fourteen guinea pigs and wired all their brains up to the ignition of one old Morris Minor 1400 car, it would eat everything in its path until the military shot it with a missile.
These stupid little animals like to pee on anyone who comes within 100 yards of their home, burrow or cage. If you are thinking of getting one keep this in mind: Never, and I mean never, wear good clothes. You will spend the rest of your life trying to clean the guinea pig's pee/crap satins off of it.
As seen by the very eloquent expressions of admiration above, some people believe that guinea pigs are perhaps the most awesome of all rodentia due to their incredible verbosity. However, some quick and dirty research proves this to be untrue, as their species name is Cavia shittubia.
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[edit] Guinea Pig Language
Guinea pig lifespan is only around 6 mths.
Guinea pig language consists of a system of multi-pitched squeaks, which are used to communicate emotions or aural emoticons. Nine of the ten different noises express various forms of hunger, and they are often strung together to create epic poems about their dietary habits. The meaning of the remaining squeak is not entirely known, but it is thought to be an insulting racial slur.
[edit] Military Applications
Guinea pigs were first used for military purposes during Ancient Greek times. The Greeks constructed a giant wooden guinea pig to invade Troy. Later, Hannibal tried to lead his army over the Alps on the backs of a herd of Ecuadorian guinea pigs. The attempt was highly successful, and guinea pigs are still found in the wild throughout the Italian subcontinent. The United States now successfully uses genetically engineered versions of the animals in its nuclear weapon development program.
[edit] Filling one with Helium
The practice was banned in Britain due to overfill accidents. On one occasion, a guinea pig had to be shot down by the military while floating over Wiltshire. It also is widely believed that a red, helium filled guinea pig inspired Axl Rose's reggai hit 99 Luftballons.
And it is defanitly not advised to keep it above your head... Poo falls into your hair...
[edit] Guinea Pig Mutations
Exposure to unstable elements have created many new species of guinea pigs, including the amazing, gigantic guinea pigs existing in the wild outlands of Los Alamos. This exposure to plutonium atoms has created a few other anamolies, some of which have managed to mate with humans. These guinea-pig human hybrids, generally known as werepiggies, have always been torn between the two races and often have angst-ridden pasts. It is not generally known that they are werepiggies and instead it is believed that they are merely humans with odd tendencies. Some famous werepiggies include the Olsen Twins, Julia Roberts and Jack Thompson it is also rumoured that Tom Cruise had something to do with starting this group of werepiggies.
