Guinness Book of Records
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The much-exalted Guinness Book of Records is the Holy Book of Human Achievement. It was given to Nostradamus by the gods of Olympus, during the Age of Beer to celebrate superior performance in all human endeavors. According to archaeologists, this was a time of great religio-scientific progress, especially in the field of record-keeping, which occurred just after the discovery of beer.
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[edit] Records held by the Guinness Book of Records
The Guinness Book of Records is the largest book in the world, with a span of 547 kilometers, a thickness of nearly 75 kilometers, and a mass dwarfing that of most asteroids. The book also holds the current world record for the number of world records documented in the category of speed eating, including a successful attempt to eat an entire copy of the Guinness Book of Records 1989 edition (in a world record 4.7 seconds by Schinzhon Igasakiwan, a Japanese foreign exchange student at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette).
[edit] Other (miscellaneous) records
- Craziest hair - Albert Einstein
- Dirtiest fighter - Adolf Hitler
- Loudest vagina - Rosie O'Donnell
- Most Smurf Like Appearance - Kevin Rudd
- Pointiest ears - Leonard Nimoy
- Best web page about Guinness Book of Records - This Page
[edit] Guinness World Record
A Guinness World Record is a special achievement that has been accomplished to appease the local Gods. It is usually achieved by doing something phenomenally stoopid that has never been attempted before, such as flying or walking on water. No wait, Jesus did both of those, so that doesn't technically count.
[edit] Famous People Who Have Achieved Guinness World Records
- Super Devil- Fattest and Smelliest Crotch.
- Jesus (Original Jesus that is) - Walked on water and flew.
- Frank Lampard - World's fattest man, weighing in at an incredible 4520lbs (It was 4740lbs before he re-gurgatated Michael Ballack). He also holds the world pinball record, for scoring a goal after the ball had been deflected by 9 of his own players, 7 of the opposition, the referee, Pickles the Dog and a Adolf Hitler impersonator.
- Michael Jackson - the "Most Successful Entertainer of All Time"
- Santa Claus - Also walked on water and flew. (Hey, I guess you could just call Santa Claus Jesus, and vice versa.)
- Elvis Presley - For "The Most Hip Gyrations in 5 Minutes", he broke the previous record of 364 with 410 hip gyrations in 5 minutes.
- Stevie Wonder - The most blind man alive.
- George W. Bush - Least convincing impression of a United States President.
- Snoop Dogg - Worst spelling of "dog".
- Mickey Mouse - Ate 762 pies in one minute in his late-life 'fat stage'.
- Hudson Leick - Sitting on a cushion wearing a purple wig and balancing an apple on your head while looking hawt.
- Gerald Way - most contraversial haircut
- Steve Irwin - Best ironic death
[edit] So Why Does Anyone Give A Crap About Guinness World Records?
Good question. Some people debate that most Guinness World Records are actually about very stupid things, such as "The furtherest someone can flick a chocolate-covered peanut using nothing but their nipples" or "How many juggles of a ball someone can do while hanging upside down with a bucket over their head", and therefore we should disregard all Guinness World Records altogether. Actually, I think they're just shitting themselves because THEY don't have a Guinness World Record of their own. Grow up already and pull yourselves together and go out and get one, instead of attacking those who have one! Sheeesh!
