Guitar

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A typical beginner. Note the power of the guitar is forcing the hair away from the head. It is common for many guitarists to become bald later in life due to this phenomenon.

“*TWANG*”

~ Orville Gibson on his guitar

The guitar is a stringed instrument, used in many sorts of popular music such as metal, rock, blues, country, polka, and disco. A guitar typically has six strings but can come in 7, 8, 9, 1, 12, 13, 17, 23, 27, and 42 string constructions. Guitars are usually constructed from various combinations of wood, metal, rock, flesh, bone, plastic, air, and Keith Richards' Dad's ashes.

1 Early History of the Guitar
2 The Guitar in More Recent Times
- 2.1 Gender in Guitar
3 Types of Guitars
4 The Guitargasm
5 The Practice of Guitaring
6 Some Rituals
7 People Who Play Guitar
8 See also

[edit] Early History of the Guitar

See what I said?

The guitar is thought to originated in pre-rap times. There is historical evidence that Nostradamus saw the fate of music.

“Before twenty centuries after the birth of Christ have passed, a dark form of music shall arise. Pounding thumps, never ending. The perpetrators of this dark noise shall speak in tongues, and possess the vocal skills of a slug.”

~ Nostradamus on Music

This surprisingly accurate prediction of music led Nostradamus to contact the local artificers. He talked to hundreds of carpenters and metalworkers, handing them pages of designs, early guitars no doubt, and babbling about a horrific vision of someone he called Lone Jane's large rear. The designs, warped and twisted, remained in circulation amongst the craftsmen long after Nostradamus' death. The designs were laughed at and drawn over many times, until one moment late in 1400's, an engineer and designer named Va Dinci came across the paper in his trash, and the mangled design intrigued him. He created the very first guitar. ((See The Da Vinci/Leo Fender Copyright Case of 1973 for more infomation.))

[edit] The Guitar in More Recent Times

The guitar was heavily popularised by Eric Clapton, who created a generation of artists including the legend Jimi Hendrix, Wes Borland, Mick Thompson, and That Black Guy From Fall Out Boy, inspiring them to play sweet sweet blues.

You can tell that The End is near. Very near.

[edit] Gender in Guitar

The issue of gender in guitar history is a short and uninteresting one. Many female guitarists have existed through history but very few gain notoriety, dues to the fact they tend to look funny and cute with guitars, and are regarded as a kind of novelty. This case is not true of the famous performer Madonna, because she is believed to be around the age of 60.^{[citation needed]}

A typical acoustic guitar. Can be found in the hands of almost any street hobo.

[edit] Types of Guitars

1. The Acoustic Guitar This guitar constructed for eighty two purposes, three of which deserve mention.

Folk music
Rock Ballads
Contact with spirits

Any other use for this guitar (barring use as a weapon) are to be reported to the Local Authorities.

A standard electric guitar. Most often found in the hands of a Youtube kid.

2. The Electric Guitar This guitar requires a ridiculously expensive amplifier to work correctly. This type of guitar evidently is much cooler, because of the wide range of effects that can be purchased and used simultaneously to stimulate the ears. This guitar became the most popular type in medieval times due to the pure sexy look of the instrument. All electric guitars are the Fender Stratocaster, although some have been cleverly redecorated to resemble less hidious instruments.

The 5 neck guitar is a very common guitar for many novices

3. The Air Guitar An Air guitar is an instrument made entirely of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and argon. Care is to be taken during use of an air guitar, you must be wary so as not to inhale the guitar. This guitar sounds the best while being played by <insert name here>, as it makes no noise whatsoever.

4. The Bass Guitar The bass guitar is very popular amongst teenagers who have little or no musical talent, and want to be in a band, and professional musicians who want to be recognized by fans as a distinctive and important member of the band. The Flea of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers is really a guitarist. He just enjoys having a much longer, fatter, and heavier "instrument" than the other members of the band.

5. The JEM 777U This guitar is better than you. Yes you, <insert name here>. Admit it. Never touch one of these. You'll never be good enough and will just contaminate it.

6. The Razorback Two words. "FEEL THIS"

[edit] The Guitargasm

A trained professional inducing a Guitargasm via the "pick like fuck" method.

The Guitargasm is a pure, raw, burst of inspiration and skill to a guitarist. The guitargasm comes in one of two forms. The raw form and the refined form.

1. Raw A raw Guitargasm is a rare sighting. It most often occurs during the most unlikely events.

Let's say... <Insert Name of Local Teenage rock band who seems to get gigs in every fucking pub every night> are doing a pretty poor rendition of your favourite Van Helen song, and you are tuning it out, then as the teenage guitarist with a head like a mop with a nose poking through tears into the solo, your head turns irresistibly towards the harmonic goodness, and for a second, you are at peace. The moment is then ruined when the singer sets himself on fire and throws up in your beer.

That is a natural, raw, Guitargasm.

2 Refined This is a Guitargasm that is induced by a professional (don't try this at home), who has practiced and huffed many kittens to get to his level of proficiency at the Guitargasm.

Such Guitargasms are characterised by a gradual build up of power, and a warm feeling in the pit of one's gut as the trained guitarist gently, yet with unstoppable force, unleashes their power upon them.

[edit] The Practice of Guitaring

The act of guitaring follows a unique ritualistic pattern for each individual guitaring-ist-er; some guitaring-ist-er-ists often manage to spend enough time warming up or preparing that they barely have time to play before their annual bath.

In central Asia, men will traditionally wear leather and set their bodies on fire whilst practicing guitaring. This is said to channel the energies of the mind, body, and Jimmy Page throughout your system. To not play on fire, wearing leather, will bring about the Bad Dharma, Eric Clapton.

[edit] Some Rituals

1) As mentioned earlier, various, and usually copius amounts of, drugs and/or kittens will be taken/huffed in an attempt to increase peni- playing ability.

2) Finger stretches. This is normally done with a tiny rack, with a small kitten in a black hood and bondage suit operating the machinery.

3) Make-up. Used in the Glam scene.

4) Air guitar.

5) Tuning the guitar. This is a rare ritual, usually not performed by indie musicians or Punk bands.

6) Exercise

7) Picking up the guitar.

8) Plugging the instrument in (commonly known as "jacking on").

9) Playing. (This is the rarest ritual of them all, only performed correctly by professional musicians or fat YouTube kids.

10) "Jacking off"

11) Being a douche bag to the rest of your band mates by being unsatisfied with any amount of the spot-light you get