Guitar Hero
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“More like Rhythm Hero...There's no real musical skill involved!”
~ anyone with musical talent
“This game is for people that have no lives and can't be bothered to learn a real instrument.”
~ Captain Obvious on Guitar Hero
| This is telling a lie. Guitar Hero 3 is actually Guitar Hero 4, the third one being Guitar Hero: Rock the 80's. | |
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| Developer | Satan/Hitler, With the help of Mickey mouse |
| Release Date | April 15, 1378. |
| Genre | Role Playing Game |
| Platforms | |
| Rating | E/G (Everyone, Gay) |
| Would Courtney Love play it? | {{{O-Wilde}}} |
Guitar Hero is one of the many game ideas stolen off Shigeru Miyamoto by his great and longtime nemesis Gannon who works for Michael Soft who in turn works for Bill Gates who in turn doesn't work for anyone because he's so rich. In essence, Guitar Hero a video game designed for deprived individuals born without any real musical talent. The game features a real, authentic plastic guitar (strings sold separately) and color coded frets. The game combines elements of Dance Dance Revolution and being a coked up rock star. Despite this it is mostly played by people who are good at Dance Dance Revolution and not coked up rock stars. The main characters in the game are Samantha Aaron, Matthew Cheek and Slash from Guns N' Roses. It's rumored that there are hidden characters named Judy Nails, Bob Dole, Axel Steel, Plecostomus, Johnny Napalm (among a few others) are available in the game, but this isn't true. You pretend to play guitar; how many characters do you need. The game is published by Activision because Bill Gates doesn't actually have the ability to program anymore, only the power to eat small boys, and apples.
What happens when retards play this game. So that's mostly all of you!
[edit] How to PlayPlayers control Guitar Hero using a real, authentic guitar and that happens to be fake and at the same time real. Gameplay starts off really basic; one holds their real, authentic guitar and chooses a song they wish to play. It is at this point that the gameplay gets much more intense and difficult. The player faces off against a multitude of semi-spheres (players call them "notes"), which they are expected to know how to play. If they had read the game manual, like they were supposed to, they would know that it requires pressing the corresponding color coded frets at the same time as pressing down on the strum bar. Many have still not grasped this concept and probably never will. In the initial Beta of the game, players found it quite difficult to play as there was no way to distinguish which of the five colored buttons provided on the controller to press. The Beta featured no colors for the "notes" and a setlist of entirely Fall Out Boy songs. The During the game the player will see star-shaped "notes" and if they hit all of the star "notes" then the player gets star power. Realistically this was just added to the game to cause the player even more hardship trying to hit all the notes they can. What the developers claim, however, is that this is so the player can gain more points. This argument is supported by the fact that, when the player activates Star power (this is done by smashing the guitar on the ground spilling 1 gallon of gasoline (supplied) and lighting it on fire) the player's points are doubled. The few players who are good at this game complain that Star power is for losers who want a high score but can't play the game well. Players that use Star power complain that the few players that are good at the game can play the game well so they don't care about a high score. Guitar hero also seems naturally harder for real guitarists. [edit] Game Play LevelsThere are several levels available to play in Guitar Hero. They are as follows: [edit] Easy Easy has you playing 3 notes that are separated by 4 beats minimum (there are exceptions ie: through the fire and flames). It is intended for those who are not very skilled at the game, or are starting out. Despite the simplicity of the gameplay of Easy, every person who starts out the game still finds a way to mess up. Don't believe it? Try Guitar Hero and you'll be like, "wow, I suck..."
[edit] MediumThis adds a fourth note that must be played while playing this game. It sounds simple, but the notes are now with in at least 2 beats of each other. The use of the pinky in Medium also increases the challenge. It is absolutely necessary to have a coordinated pinky to be able to play medium. Medium is meant to frustrate players who thought they were good on Easy only to find out they don't know how to move their pinky, and that their ring finger is even harder to use, since it doesn't cooperate when you try to do the red and blue buttoned chords without moving your entire hand. [edit] HardIn Hard the game gets hard, adding a fifth note. This requires the player to actually move their hand to hit the proper notes. It often leaves player confused as to what's even being played as they try to figure out whether their index finger is on the green or the red, only to find out it was on the yellow. Hard is meant to frustrate players who thought they were good on Medium only to find out they can't play if they have to move their hands. [edit] ExpertExpert is really hard (a.k.a. sucks balls), and to get to this level you have to have a lot of free time. It's hard where 5 buttons must be pressed, but this time it usually makes you press more then one at a time. The notes tend to be no less then half a beat apart and no more then one beat apart, even when there is obviously no guitar playing (see the intro to Through the Fire and Flames). Expert has you mashing buttons. This is meant to be video-taped and put on YouTube so people can call you a loser or envy you at your owning skillz on "Slow Ride." Those individuals who beat the game at the Expert level have little to no lives. Had they spent half as much time learning to play an actual guitar, they would be in a band, and therefore worshipped by Japanese schoolgirls and worthy of the monicker "douchebag". Really getting absorbed in the Expert level may distract you long enough to notice you've just been eaten by the Grue under your desk. [edit] LegendaryWhat, you've never heard of Legendary, you say? That's because the only way to unlock it is by entering a secret code, which was only given to Japanese People. The Japanese are loyal, and they will not tell you the secret code, even after long hours of torture. Anyways, though, legendary mode means you are constantly wailing on the guitar, all the time. When you look at the screen, all you can see are solid notes, for every fret. Most people fail within within 4.23 seconds, because it is proven to be impossible with only 4 fingers. Some people, however, have forced themselves to grow an extra finger out of their love of Guitar Hero. However if you fail at this level in the game, a huge dick will pop out of the tv and slap you in the face. Hey its your choice. [edit] Chuck Norris HardThis can only be unlocked if you beat all songs on Legendary with 5 stars on each one while eating a hotdog, writing a piano symphony, playing your friend at Guitar Hero 2 blindfolded, playing Anarchy in the U.K. on Legendary with your feet also blindfolded, and also while describing colors to a blind, deaf, and insane man, and beating up two homeless men, all the while felching a one legged vietnamese hooker, Claypool style...with your feet. Once you unlock this mode, you must first cast the guitar into the fires of Mt. Doom to select your song, then, to actually start playing, you need to dive back in to the fires, and get the guitar out. By this point, the songs probably already started, and, judging that there are 978 notes in the first half a second of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" alone, odds are, you've probably failed miserably and shamefully. Your family will never speak to you again. If you haven't failed, the guitar will actually grow fingers and attempt "to play YOU!", at least according to the Russian Reversal.You must fight the fingers off, or have your genetalia ripped in twain. If, for some insane reason you don't fail, then you will experience 2.12 seconds of adrenaline and euphoria, and then realize that you can't play a real instrument worth shit. God laughs at your pain and smites you. [edit] Serious skillsThis requires a specially made guitar with eleven frets. It involves real talent and a REAL GUITAR!!! [edit] extra modes
-cheese nips mode- this is unlocked by finishing the campaign on Chuck Norris Hard, and the notes are cheese rather than actual notes. when you hit the cheese to the "it" it creates a cheese-it. This is George W. Bushs favorite mode.(yeah, it is his favorite snack) [edit] Plot There is an important plot to Guitar Hero due to is socio-political commentary. The game starts off with you choosing to play as either Chris Pollock or Loren Lilly (Slash is unlocked at a later time) who are both voiced by Optimus Prime. It shows a scene of your character standing infront of a small audience in a bar. It then throws you into a song (usually Stairway to Heaven but sometimes it makes you play Freebird) which if you pass successfully then your character smashes the guitar on the ground and lights it on fire. It is then revealed that the guitar was originally Keith Richard's guitar and so was full of Marijuana and Heroin. This puts your character in great debt and you need to play your way into enough money to get out of debt. Once you pay off the debt your band is really popular and so you choose to continue playing. You start to play bigger and bigger venues and start to get more and more groupies. Once you play at an actual concert Slash comes out and you play a Duet. If you succeed in beating this stage (you play five Guns 'n' Roses songs) then you go and get high with Slash who has now joined your Band. Living the high life you go to coke parties and the like. In the stories climax your character gets arrested for drugs abuse. This game was renoun for leaving the story open for a sequel which hadn't been done before in video games, except maybe Super Mario 128 but that game is not believed to be cannon so its like like matters. [edit] Original PlotShigeru Miyamoto's original idea for the game was that a green garbed young lad would start off in a field. He would then enter a cave and an old man would tell him "It's dangerous to go alone, take this" and would receive a wooden guitar. Miyamoto then had the idea that this boy would go around trying to save a princess named Zelda from Miyamoto's own long time nemesis Ganon (who as a child smashed Miyamoto's guitar on the ground and lit it on fire). Miyamoto was then reminded by Reggie Fils-Aime, his long time friend in his battle against Ganon, that he had made that game already and named it the Legend of Zelda. The only difference between that game and this was that the main characters name was Lank and not Link, and Lank wore a tight gayish leather catsuit instead of the usual green attire. [edit] Second PlotMiyamoto was considering a second plot for the game. The story would involve an evil scientist who had taken over the star system of Lylat. The player would play as a Fox and his team of a Falcon, a Hare and a Frog. The goal would be to play from planet to planet, assisting the star system's military to rid the system of the evil scientist's minions. As Miyamoto was about to produce the game his buddy Reggie, once again, reminded him that he had already made that game. After this the current idea of Guitar Hero was then made by Miyamoto before it was stolen. [edit] Rock the 80sGuitar Hero: Rock the 80s was thought up and programmed by a programmer in his garage. The programmer was high and had the intelligence of an Alzheimers-infected earthworm that had been dissected by a chimpanzee with a large rock. Consequently, the game was radically different from any other Guitar Hero game. It followed the adventures of a "totally sick rocker, man" named Bret Micheals. Bret spent the couse of the game walking around with his guitar. As many know, "guitar" is synonymous with "axe," and so Bret Micheals walked around with his axe "rocking" the "80s,' an evil cult of masochistic drug dealing rabbits. Throughout the course of the game, Bret also battles "chords," spirits in the form of non-regular geometric figures that called him bad names. The game did not sell well. It actually was such a failure that the producers hid all the stash they were going to throw like confetti in the E3 because recent critics had warn them they could get shot like Mockingbirds. [edit] The Hidden ScrollA hidden prophecy predicted the Guitar Hero legend that never happened. This is what it reads: In ancient times Guitar Hero was played with slaves. The slaves would run randomly at the owner, and the owner would shoot them with a tranquilizing dart, temporarily stunning them stupid. it was called "Shoot The Slave". It progressed into shooting discs falling down tubes, as a game on The Price is Right. It eventually crawled into the video game world's LAZR VIZN technology, thus rendering it virtual. Bill Gates walked into Mordor, attempting to steal Guitar Hero for the XBOX 360, he came too late, and Guitar Hero 2 had already arrived. Dissapointed, Gates stole a copy and made it into a 360 compatible version. He stole GH3 and did the same. Shigeru Miyamoto was jealous, and decided that GH3 would be a Wii game as well. He defeated Bill Gates, equipped with a Wii-Remote (wiimote). He butchered Gates to a bloody pulp and raped his dead carcass. He had stolen the Guitar Hero 3 he desired. after making GH3, Sony had a retarted idea; Guy #1: Lets make an aerosmith game. Guy #2: aerosmith sucks. Guy #1 killed Guy #2 and proceeded to create Guitar Hero Aerosmith. Bill Gates' dead and raped body arose from the depths of Mount Doom, with a vengeance. He killed Shigeru Miyamoto in his sleep with a XBOX LIVE headset taped to a new and improved Windows Vista Premium Package. Al Gore saves the day by wearing a Captian Planet costume. He raped Bill Gates with a rainbow, and proceeded to fly away, yelling "CAPTAIN PLANET!!!!!!HE'S A HERO!!!!!" repeatedly. [edit] Controversy Over RightsAs said previously, Miyamoto's idea was stolen by Gannon and given to Microsoft and then given to Bill Gates who then sold the rights to Activision. Miyamoto sued Activision for a percent of the profits but the law suit was shot down by the US Supreme Court stating that there wasn't enough evidence to support Miyamoto's claim. Despite this [edit] SongsGuitar hero has a variety of really good songs, going from level nub(easy) to No life (Expert).Some of the songs are famous around the world but some we don't even know were the Fuck they came from. Here are some of the songs Guitar Hero offers: [edit] 1.Opening Dicks
[edit] 2.H4X-Grinders
[edit] 3.Press and Turn
[edit] 4.Return of the Shit
[edit] 5.Brat Burners
[edit] 6.Face-Tighteners
[edit] 7.Secret Section
[edit] See Also |
