Gulf of Mexico

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The Gulf of Mexico (from the Mexican Golfo de México) is a vast body of greasy water that is contaminated with salt, water, saltwater fish, and many flaming hot spices, but mostly Mexicans.

1 Geology
2 Climatology
3 History, as Recorded by Biased Europeans
4 Environmental Woes
5 Hurricane Katrina
6 See Also

[edit] Geology

The Gulf of Mexico was formed billions and billions of years ago by the repeated violent collisions of the continents of Pangaea 1-B, Pangaea 1-C, Puerto Rico, Gondwanaland, and Mars during an otherwise uneventful summer afternoon. A final meteor strike in 1903 gave the Gulf its distinctive crater-like shape. The Gulf is bordered by many US states, such as Florida, Georgia, Hogzilla, Pubertyland, and Rosie O'Donnell Many years later, Aztecs and Mayans and Texans and many other Hispanic Americans and Donald Trump settled the millions of miles of valuable beachfront property and built many casinos which still survive to the present day.

[edit] Climatology

The Gulf of Mexico is the source of the notorious Gulf Stream, which continuously spits out oodles of category 5 hurricanes and turns the entire Atlantic Ocean into a gigantic aquatic pinball machine, where you can get five (5) plays per quarter.

[edit] History, as Recorded by Biased Europeans

The Gulf of Mexico was accidentally discovered by Ponce de León in 1492 when he chopped through the impenetrable ~~swamps~~ wetlands of the Florida panhandle. When he first saw it, he claimed the peaceful and pristine fluidic entity for Jesus and named it Mare Tranquillitatis (French for "The Horse of Tranquility"). Fifteen seconds later, Ponce and his entire exploration party were utterly wiped out by the category 5 Hurricane Zsa Zsa.

[edit] Environmental Woes

Today, the Gulf is threatened by many ominous threats such as global warming, El Niño, La Niña, deforestation, ozone depletion, second hand smoke, acid snow, underfishing, and nontoxic waste. Emotionally distressed environmentalists have long since given up all hope for saving the Gulf, and now make much better use of their valuable time by therapeutic wanking. The gulf also contains up to 15,000 barrels of oil that are found in underground caves beneath the seabed which are continually exploited by oily people in Houston, Texas. It is easy to get the oil from the barrels, but the real problem is just getting these buried barrels out from 3000ft below the Gulf of Mexico.

[edit] Hurricane Katrina

On August 28 2005, the Gulf of Mexico was unexpectedly and sadly destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. Millions of square miles of environmentally sensitive oceanic floor was suddenly exposed to direct sunlight for the first time in billions and billions of years, as the category 5 storm deprived the entire fish population of life sustaining and grease-laden sea water, and dumped all of it into neighboring Lake New Orleans.

Even though many thousands of fish heeded apocalyptic warnings and managed to evacuate to the Atlantic Ocean in the nick of time, as much as 30% of the total fish population were insufficiently motivated to swim out of harm's way. Unconfirmed rumors have confirmed that the remaining fish were mostly disadvantaged bottom feeders that were expecting vast fleets of fishing trawls to miraculously sweep them to Fish Heaven, where each disadvantaged fish is waited on hand and foot by cloned replicants of Charlie the Tuna. However, when this joyous event failed to materialize sooner than even remotely possible, some of the more belligerent fish took up swords and looted the Strategic Oil Reserve for all its worth, and sold it on Wall Street for quadruple of its equivalent value in the form of Purina™ Fish Chow and plasma TVs.

Meanwhile, the Gulf of Mexico has been rendered uninhabitable for all future generations by uncontrolled contamination from the clean crisp fresh waters of the Mighty Mississip. The restraining delta, which took many billions of years and billions of dollars to build, was irreparably breached when some stupid Dutch kid poked a hole in it with his finger.

The effects of war veterans and splinter groups of variously aged hippies to repair the damage by seeding the environmentally disastrous Gulf of Mexico with underwater squirrels, known for their unique adaptability to both fresh and salt water, have so far been fruitless. However, ignoring the insistence of several renowned marine biographers that underwater, coniferous nuts must be planted first lest the sea squirrels compete each other to death over food, these war veterans and variously aged hippies are relentless in their support of the underwater squirrels' ability to fend for themselves, citing an ancient Aztec prophecy as their source.