Gum

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“I only chew the juicy fruit...and Bazooka Joe...And Spearmint..and any other kind that doesn't taste like cough medicine”

~ Damian Panciera on Odd Quoting

“It's time to kick some ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of gum”

~ Duke Nukem on Gum

1 The Discovery of Gum
2 The Toejam Wars
3 Manufacturing
4 Why all the Gum in the World is Gone
5 Uses

[edit] The Discovery of Gum

Gum was discovered on August 4th, 1478 by the Space Vikings of Northern Europe. It was discovered accidentally by Martha Stewardson on a journey to Space Russia. The details of the discovery are unknown because soon afterward all members of the cabin were killed by the French who took credit for the discovery.

Shortly after the French stole the first prototype of gum (actually fungus removed from between Martha's toes), the Vikings decided to retaliate by sending space monkeys to France in hopes of conquering them once and for all.

[edit] The Toejam Wars

Fall of 1478 marked the first attack upon French forces. Eyewitnesses say that absolutely nothing happened because The French kept running away from the dreaded space monkeys.

During the next few months of battle many of the Space Viking's forces had been stopped simply because the french indeed were so good at avoiding battle; therefore the French decided to sent the monkeys a peace offering of space bananas, the monkeys were so taken with the bananas that they swapped sides and fought with the French.

However, the space monkeys were not impressed with the French government and took control of the French population. HOwever, feeling indebted to the French because the French gave them glorious space bananas they quickly demolished the smelly Vikings, making fun of their pointy hats all the time.

In a last effort by the Space Vikings to finally take proper credit for their discovery, they bred the sister and father of a family of French farmers and thus Napolean was created. Soon afterwards he crashed down to France on his commode of injustice and wreeked utter havoc across the land; thus begins the branch of the Toejam Wars, a.k.a The French RevolutionDuring this time the monkeys came to their senses and left the French in search of better things, in doing so they took the world's supply of Space Bananas.

[edit] Manufacturing

Gum is manufactured by the cloning of incestious toe fungus. The fungus used in the cloning process must be that of either a hairy persian or from a space viking (Doub-O). The process was invented in 1520 by a Korean scientist named Kim Mahjong Il.

[edit] Why all the Gum in the World is Gone

It isn't gone. All the gum in the world is gone because it was all used to power the Saturn MMCLXII rocket to Africa. It took so many pieces because Oprah Winfrey was the captain. Becuase of Oprah's incompetence, the mission was immediately abandoned and the rocket ended up in Uranus.

[edit] Uses

It has been argued over many years as to what gum should be used for. It's sticky, comes in so many sizes, shapes, flavors, textures, colors, and calibers that there is no real explanation to be offered. So, here is a short list of ways to use gum: