Guns N' Roses
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“They are still around???”
~ Slash on Guns N'Roses
“They are still around???”
~ Duff on Guns N'Roses
“They are still around???”
~ Izzy Stradlin on Guns N'Roses
“They are still...HEROIN!!”
~ Steven Adler on Guns N'Roses
“I'd pop Axl in his shun na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na, knee, knee.”
“Chinese Democracy is coming soon!”
~ Axl Rose on things he'll never get around to doing
“This is a song about your fuckin' mother!”
~ Axl Rose on Mama Kin
Guns N' Roses was an amazingly talented band that was formed sometime around the time that God created the Earth. When he was creating the Earth, he decided to make 5 people who would create for him the greatest music ever. Unfortunately, God decided to rest on the 7th day instead. Sometime in 1986 however, God must have heard the attrocity that was the majority of the music in the 80's, and decided to wake back up and finish his task. Thus, Guns N Roses was born.
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[edit] The Members
[edit] W. Axl Rose
Axl Rose was the singer, pianist, and lead whistler for the band Guns N' Roses. He was the voice of the band, and because of this, it kind of went to his head.
God himself has stated that he made a few flaws in creating Rose, but has also stated that these flaws were intentional, so that the band did not become more powerful than God himself. Even with these flaws, however, the band did indeed eclipse the power of God, which is why God got inside Axl's head and purposely made him arrogant and narcasistic. Evidence of this action by God can be seen in Axl Rose's cornrows that he is currently sporting. I mean, how else could you explain why he would sport such a terrible hairstyle?
In the early 90s, Rose's narcasistic behavior became so unbearable that Rhythm Geetarist Izzy Stradlin quit the band. As a replacement, Rose hired Filby Spark.
Finally, in 1996, Rose's behavior got to the rest of the band, and they all quit, thus ending Guns N' Roses. Axl went into denial because of this, claiming that Guns N' Roses was not done, and that they were working on a new album entitled "Chinese Democracy". He even went as far as to hire session musicians such as Bucketface to lay down various instrumental tracks for the "album".
Today, Rose still tours with "Guns N' Roses" (better known as "Axl and Friends" by many people), and he does, indeed have horrible cornrows.
[edit] Slash
"/": also known as "Slash" or in Chinese "\". Slash grew up in Hicksville, USA with his brothers, Bracket and Colon. His brother picked up a guitar at the age of 15. The same guitar came down on Slash's head about 20 seconds later, reforming his brain from that of a simple hillbilly to the thinking organ of a musical genius, akin to Mussolini. When Slash's hairdresser went on strike, he decided to never get another one hair cut again (fact: /'s hair kills an average of 3 people a day, and thats when it's not wet!).
Slash also had to have finger transplants on his left hand due to the fact of him playing so fast caused his fingers to physically burn.
Slash is also one of only five survivors of Rock Wars of 2050. The other survivors are Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, who have been rejected by both heaven and hell, Paul McCartney (he was being beaten by his wife at the time and could not join the resistance until the end), and finally John Lennon, who had to come back from the dead because the rockers were getting their ass kicked by MTV's secret weapon Carson Daily (who is not funny at all by the way).
[edit] Izzy Stradlin
Izzy Stradlin: The one that nobody wanted. Or rather the brains behind the operation. Nice hippy chap. Disappeared of the face of the earth in the early 1990s. But he has been recently seen eating cheetos at a local whore house. Izzy has an obssession with pies, this can be noticed in some songs written by him. Izzy Stradlin? I don't know, Izzy?
[edit] Duff McKagan
Duff McKagan: Badass chemically pickled bass player of Guns n' Roses. Married to model Susan Holmes... Why is it these guys get all the hot chicks?!! Homer Simpson's favorite beer was named after this member. You may have seen those adverts that say "Can't get enough of that wonderful....McKagan".
Little is known about Duff, apart from the fact that he's there and he drank a s***load of beer. So much that his spleen exploded - twice. He is currently the only human other than Methusulah and other Biblical fugures to have continued living without a spleen.
[edit] Steven Adler
Steven played drums on Appetite for Destruction, and makes sure everyone knows. Since being kicked out of the band he has made constant attempts at reliving his glory days by playing covers of songs he had no part in writing and incessantly discussing a reunion. Steven now speaks with a bad speech impediment. The cause of this is unknown, though Adler himself speculates that it was caused by shooting heroin directly into his tongue when no other veins were readily available.
[edit] Others
Matt Scrotum/Tim/Roger/Boris/Alfred/Timothy/Jose/Greg T./Dizzy/Wizzy are/were the drummer/guitarist/bassist in Guns n' Roses. One of them might have been the keyboardist, but we'll gloss over that because keyboards are for homosexuals. Matt Scrotum is the best known of any of the other musicians hauled in off the streets by Axl Rose; he also lent his drumming talents to the theme tune from Power Rangers (seriously, I couldn't make that shit up).
[edit] History
[edit] The Early Days
Guns N' Roses began as the proposed business merger between a Sunset Boulevard florist, Axl Rose and Bill Gates a major South American arms dealer. After it was discovered Gates was allergic to anything green or pink the duo decided not to work together professionally but instead let their merger become of a more musical nature. In the early days, Rose would sing lead vocals and play the wah wah while Gates blasted it out on the google. A shoe would sometimes join the band for jam sessions playing the shoehorn, but Rose asked the shoe to leave saying that the shoe was heading in a different musical direction to the rest of the band. In the summer of 1986, Izzy Stradlin replaced the shoe on the shoehorn.
Later that year a door-to-door unicycle salesman fell through the roof of the band’s small apartment, landing on Izzy’s guitar and breaking it in two. Bill Gates, the self-confessed “wild one” of the group, demanded that the unicycle salesman pay to have the guitar fixed. But the unicycle salesman claimed that the guitar was fine and to prove it to proceeded to play Czerny’s 13th Unfinished Symphony in B Flat while the guitar was still broken into pieces. The band, amazed at this remarkable piece of musical ingenuity, immediately asked the unicycle salesman to join them. The unicycle salesman, known as Marlon Brando, agreed saying that the unicycle industry was in a decline and he wanted to do more work with his hands. Marlon Brando brought to the band close friend Duff McKagan, who was permanently kept inside a glass bubble filled with alcohol for personal pleasure.
Gates soon left the band claiming “guitar music is on the way out”. The band’s lawyer, Steven Adler, was invited to fill the huge whole Gates left. The bands line up was now complete featuring: Axl Rose (lead vocals), Izzy Stradlin (shoehorn/rhythm guitar), Duff McKagan (bass), Steven Adler (drums) n' Marlon Brando (lead guitar).
[edit] Appetite for Seduction
In 1987 Appetite for Seduction ate Marlon Brando and he was replaced by Slash. Appetite for Seduction revolutionised both the music n' porn industries n' became Guns N' Roses greatest success. The members of the band were probably getting the most sex during this time period.
[edit] Abuse Your Erection
Guns N' Roses are probably most famous for that episode of the Simpsons. You know which one I mean. Anyways, Abuse Your Erection I n' II were two albums with very similar names. Many music critics believe they are linked in some way. Abuse Your Erection featured the epic October Drain. This 9 minute masterpiece was the longest song to ever make the Billboard Top 10 n' its music video was one of the most expensive music videos ever made. Every person who has watched it has asked the question "Why the hell did the guy jump into the wedding cake to get out of the rain?" I mean seriously WTF?
[edit] Axl Rose goes crazy
Around this time Izzy fell into a wormhole or something because he was never seen again. Axl thought he was the second coming of Christ n' tried to get his own religion formed - "RoseyPoseyism", in which he, basically, was God. Everyone left Axl to his new religion and Axl found trouble getting people to convert to RoseyPoseyism. This left him feeling alone, angry, confused and slightly constipated. It was in this state that Axl prophesied the coming of the beast Chinese Democracy.
[edit] Court Case
Soon after Axl Rose realized his band wasn't the same after the other members had left, Axl had turned to the only thing he truly knew how to do, meet women and beat them up. This was well documented in the Musical Biography: Don't Cry. Axl was soon called out by a girl he was stalking. Axl was reached for comment, he was asked not to sing it, but it was a request he couldnt meet. He commented:
"She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
n' see an ounce of clothes
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Kinda like her closet"
Axl attempted to use the alibi that he was writing an amazing song. This alibi was soon proved wrong by playing a single off of "Chinese Democracy". He was found guilty of purgery n' the stalking of the woman. He was jailed for several years, since he didn't have any money, n' the revenues from his new album were only enough to pay for the shoes he had purchased that afternoon.
Several years after his release, he commented that he wasn't paticularily happy with the prison system, to quote him:
"Immigrants n' faggots
They make no sense to me
They come to our country
n' think they'll do as they please
Like start some mini Iran,
Or spread some fuckin' disease
They talk so many goddamn ways
It's all Greek to me"
[edit] Albums
Appetite For Seduction (1987)
1. "Welcome To The Toilet" (4:31) 2. "It's So Creepy" (3:21) 3. "Nightpain" (4:26) 4. "Out To Molest Me" (4:20) 5. "Mr. Brownpoop" (3:46) 6. "Pair Of Nice Titties" (6:46) 7. "My Vasectomy" (3:39) 8. "Think About A Lot Of Different Stuff" (3:50) 9. "Sweet Piles O' Shit" (5:56) 10. "You're Fuckin' Retarded" (3:15) 11. "Everyones' Toes" (3:25) 12. "Drama Queen" (6:13)
GN'R´ Truths (1988)
1. "Reckless Wife" (3:20) 2. "Nice Tits" (3:02) 3. "Switch To Linux" (3:42) 4. "Mama's Thighs" (3:54) (Cover) 5. "Unpatience" (5:53) 6. "Used to Buttfuck Her" (3:10) 7. "You're Fuckin' Retarded (Features Jay-Z, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg) (4:08) 8. "One In Infinity" (6:08) 9. "Buttfucker" (4:18) (Extremely rare; only on very early pressings)
Abuse Your Erection I (1991)
1. "Right Next Door To Taco Bell" (2:58) 2. "Ice Cream Cones" (4:55) 3. "Chicken Pot Pie" (2:59) (Cover) 4. "Don't Poop" (4:42) 5. "Ball Of Slime" (2:22) 6. "You Ain't The Hooker" (2:32) 7. "Cock Obsession" (5:26) 8. "Back Off Motherfucker" (5:01) 9. "Double-Penetration Porn" (3:19) 10. "October Drain" (8:53) 11. "The Poppies" (5:17) 12. "Imitation Speed Metal" (2:36) 13. "Do Not Damneth Me" (5:15) 14. "Spoiled Mangoes" (4:25) 15. "Glue" (4:17) 16. "A Nap" (10:13)
Abuse Your Erection II (1991)
1. "Civil Whore" (7:36) 2. "14 Billion Centuries" (4:17) 3. "Suckin' On Some Whore's Tits" (5:33) (Cover) 4. "Yesterday's Wood" (3:11) 5. "NYAH HAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAHHHHH HAHAHAH! AHHHHHHHHHHH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!" (5:36) 6. "Shotgun Reds" (3:19) 7. "Mental Issues" (7:02) 8. "Pretty Fucked Up" (4:44) 9. "Choo-Choo" (8:35) 10. "So Gay" (4:04) 11. "Deranged" (9:20) 12. "You Could Be The Father" (5:41) 13. "Don't Poop (Constipated Version)" (4:41) 14. "My Drugs" (1:19)
The Poo Incident!? (1995)
1. "Since I Don't Have Poo" (4:18) (Cover) 2. "New Poo" (2:38) (Cover) 3. "Poo on the Farm" (3:28) (Cover) 4. "Human Pooing" (6:48) (Cover) 5. "Toss Me" (3:11) (Cover) 6. "Ain't Poo Fun?" (5:05) (Cover) 7. "Buick Makane/Big Dumb Poo" (2:39) (Cover) 8. "Hair On My Poo" (3:54) (Cover) 9. "Poo On My Hair" (1:26) (Cover) 10. "Black Poo" (4:08) (Cover) 11. "You Can't Put Your Arms Around a Poo" (3:35) (Cover) 12. "I Don't Care About Poo" (2:17) (Cover) 13. "Look at Your Poo, Girl" [unlisted] (2:34) (Cover)
The Alive Era 87'-87' (1999)
DISC ONE 1. "Nightpain" (5:18) 2. "Mr. Brownpoop" (5:42) 3. "It's So Creepy" (3:28) 4. "Welcome to the Toilet" (5:08) 5. "Ice Cream Cones" (5:05) 6. "My Vasectomy" (3:53) 7. "You're Fuckin' Retarded" (4:45) 8. "Used To Buttfuck Her" (4:17) 9. "Unpatience" (6:42) 10. "It's Going Horribly Wrong" (3:07) 11. "October Drain" (12:29) 12. "A Nap" (??:??) (Bonus Track in Japan)
DISC TWO 1. "Out Ta Molest Me" (4:33) 2. "Pretty Fucked Up" (5:25) 3. "Yesterday's Wood" (3:52) 4. "Switch To Linux" (8:00) 5. "You Might Be The Father" (6:02) 6. "Dairy Queen" (8:27) 7. "Sweet Piles O' Shit" (7:25) 8. "Suckin' On Some Whore's Tits" (7:27) 9. "Don't Poop" (4:44) 10. "Deranged" (9:52) 11. "Pair Of Nice Titties" (7:21)
Chinese Unmocracy (Fuck Knows)
Rumored Songs "Worse" "Catch Her In The Wheat" "TWAT (There Was A Title?)" "Mad At NASCAR" "Pussy Full Of Maggots" "Oh My Shit" "Sorry (About Taking 230000 Years To Do One Song))" "Rhiad And The Blowjob" "Yellow Roach" "Leave Me A Dollar" "Prostitutes" "Suckerpooped" "No Talent Remains" "Cock I Love" "Emo Shrugged" "Friend Or Slash" "Eight" "We'll Release It In March" "Midgets Get Thrown" "Pie.R.S."
[edit] Break Up Claims
Johnny Knoxville of Jackass fame claimed in an episode of MTV's Wildboyz that it was not Axl Rose's character which ended the band, but it was in fact the fault of dolphins. The dolphins seduced Axl. They brain-washed him, if you will, to cause him to have strong urges to swim with them, thus ensuring that the band would break up. This could be seen in the music video of "Estranged".
