Gustav Vasa
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“The only thing worse than having three wives is... No, I can't think of anything worse than that.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gustav Vasa
Gustav *Ericsson*, also known as Gustav Vasa, King Gustav I, or Gusty, was the founder of modern Sweden, and possibly the greatest king in Swedish history, or maybe the distant ancestor of the greatest king in Swedish history, Gustav Adolphus, or maybe completely unrelated to the greatest king in Swedish history, Charles XII.
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[edit] Early Life
Gustav Vasa was descended from famous Swedish leaders, such as Sverker I and II; Sten Sture the younger, older, and middle-aged; and The Swedish Chef.
His mother, Cecilia Månsdotter (Swedish for "Sissy Man's Daughter"), named him "Gustav", Swedish for "gothboy". He chose the name "Vasa" himself, after a clan from Vampire: The Masquerade.
[edit] Reign
In the olden days, Sweden was part of the Kalamari Union, an equal partnership between Sweden, Denmark, Norway, and Romania. Vasa bravely freed Sweden from this horrible oppression by killing a bunch of Swedes.
In 1523, he was elected Kingadaswedenna (Swedish for "King of almost half of Stockholm").
As King, Gustav was known for ruthless methods and a bad temperament, but he also loved Swedish music (which is mostly ABBA and synthpop songs about Star Trek).
In later years, the Vasas became a cheap brand of Swedish vodka. He also married a 15 year old girl (TRUE!) when he was more than 60 years old, eeewww!!! A year later, he died when his wife took his teeth and threw them in a lake, so he couldn't eat or speak. So he died from hunger on September 29th 1560. His body was cremated and his ashes were sold to the Spanish robber Hernan Cortez, who in his turn pawned off Gustav's ashes to the cannibals of the Amazonas as coffee.
There are many popular stories about Gustav Vasa, mostly written by the great Swedish historian Gustav Vasa.
[edit] Dynasty
The staunchly devout people of modern Sweden remember Vasa and his family fondly as the defenders of Protestant Christianity, for bringing Lutheranism not just to Sweden and Scandinavia, but to all of Northern Europe, in what was known as the 30 Years' Mission of Peace. It is because of him that Christian saints such as Ofermod, Mortiis, and Bathory were free to bring Jesus's glorious name to the people of Scandinavia.
However, the Vasa dynasty also defeated the Danes, united Sweden, Finland, and Minnesota, and invented cheap furniture for college students. That's why we are so cheap in Sweden. Oops, that came out wrong, huh?
[edit] Legacy
When he was 23 years old, he created the first cell-phone company: Ericsson. Sweden continued as an independent country from 1523 until 2001, when it was purchased by SONY. The Swedes got another chance and SONY changed the name to 'Sony Ericsson'
The cities Vaasa, Finland; Vasa, Sweden; and Minneapolis, Minnesota are named after Gustav Vasa.
