The Man
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“Don't let him get you down, man.”
~ Hippies on The Man
“I'm sick of them sticking it to me!”
~ The Man on Hippies
“What is a man?! A miserable little pile of secrets!”
~ Dracula on a man
“Men?...I like them.”
~ Oscar Wilde on a man
"The Man" is keeping me down, man. The "Man" is a specific individual who runs the government, is in bed with the leaders of all large corporations, and is behind the scenes when it comes to authority figures in general. The Man is real and controls our world, which is why many people choose to fight him.
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[edit] The Man's home is his castle
“I think that God, when creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Man
Man is the most stupid, assholic, mediocres there is in all of Milky Way. There is nothing and no one that should go over his superiority and masculinity for he is a self-destroying narcissistic. He has indeed became incapable of producing more humane creatures than himself. His only sadness comes when he runs out of sperm cells.
A multibillionaire ultraindustrialist and international playboy from The Big City, The Man grew up on The Mean Streets and became obsessed with his constant betterment. With power comes great responsibility and The Man has made many enemies including Black People, liberals and Hippies who want to stay in bed until everyone er... pass the bong dude.... where was I? A recent open poll found that at least 97% of people polled believe that The Man is to blame. Also, if you look to the left, you can see a man's penis.
“You can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? Well, he's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, Ms. Mullins, she's The Man, man.”
~ Jack Black on The Man
[edit] A man eat man world
The Man uses his power to increase his own power and reduce everyone else's. After all, if he did anything but this, he would not be The Man. The Man wishes to control all human life on the earth, in panties, stick them into business formal, and have it work for 9.95/hour while they worship his panty-wearing ass. Men will eat each-other, but it is frowned upon in most societies.
“I wanna be The Man too man!”
~ A Child on The Man
“Maybe when you're older man.”
~ An adult on The Man
[edit] Jesus Christ on The Man
“Thou shalt not worhsippest the man, lest thine ears fallest offeth. Instead, throweth thine oldesteth fishes against thy walleth of thy manneth's establishment, so that thee might bask in the glory of stickingeth fishes to the walleth of the manne. Amen.”
~ Jesus Christ on The Man
[edit] Mans, you can't live with 'em...
In his spare time The Man has many hobbies, notably working with charities which promote racial oppression, such as the public school system. Yes, The Man controls the public school system too. After every ounce of self-esteem has been crushed it becomes easier to transform you into one of The Man's corporate drones.
“There used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!”
~ Jack Black again on The Man
[edit] The many faces of the man
The Man is capable of shape-shifting his form to suit his purposes. Nobody has ever seen the true face of the Man.
[edit] The Man in the Corner Office
Like all of the Man's forms, this one exists to screw you over. Posing as your coworker and confidant, he lures you into spilling your guts over how much you love The other Man who is gay. Meanwhile, he's deciding whether to dock your already measly pay or end "casual fridays".
[edit] Police officer
The Man shapeshifts into the form of a policeman when he wants to fuck with black people, hippies or general freaks at a "street level". This is because in his other forms he can't legally hit people with a stick for no reason.
[edit] Regular Meetings
The Man has weekly conferences with his henchman in 'The Establishment'. The Man is a creature of habit, so the meetings follow a pretty set format:
- Usually they kick off by reading the megalomaniacal diatribes from the last meeting. This gives them all an erection but the Man's is always the biggest and best.
- Before moving on to the week's business, they break for doughnuts and coffee, The Man always gets the Boston Kreme, and leaves the others to fight for the one with the chocolate sprinkles.
- The Man devotes at least 45 minutes of every session to hand picking the names of the common, hard-working folk that he will randomly victimise that week. Sometimes they pick a theme to spice things up, like people with newborn babies, disabilities or people from ethnic minorities.
- In meetings with the man, "Any other business" has a whole new meaning. They get the lightpro going then surf the internet looking for any business not owned by The Man, when they find one they use a magic 8 ball to decide its fate.
- The Man often makes jokes in meetings about the unspeakable acts he has committed, then the underling with the most forced laughter is dragged off by Be-bop and Rocksteady off of the Turtles (sic) for a good kicking. Usually they are taken to an ajoining room with a soundproof glass wall so The Man can enjoy their beating whilst listening to the works of Schubert or Mozart.
[edit] Old man's network
However it's not all work, work, work at the establishment....
- The Man also enjoys Cuban cigars. A true connoisseur, The Man only smokes cigars that have been hand rolled on the thigh of 8-year-old virgins - usually the one he intends to deflower that evening.
- Most of The Man's crew are fairly aged, and they often enjoy traditional old man activities such as dominoes, not giving kids their ball back and changing each other's colostomy bags.
[edit] Speculate to accumulate
“This year, no man has distinguished himself by relentlessly dominating society, controlling the global marketplace, and keeping the little guy down quite like the man we honor here today, and that man is The Man.... Who among us can honestly say they have never backed down in the face of the staggering magnitude and power of The Man? Many have devoted their entire lives to resisting The Man, but, in the end, their efforts have brought them failure, degradation, and, more often than not, utter destruction at The Man's mighty hand, man.”
~ Time Magazine on The Man
[edit] Companies owned in part or in whole by The Man
- McDonald's Restaurants and Fine Eateries International, Incorporated. Purveyors of re-cycled meats.
- The Coca-Cola Company - the world's largest crack dealer& biggest employer of the far east.
- The Microsoft Corporation - a software manufacturer, which sells overpriced, broken software that everyone has to buy.
- Jamster - a cellular phone ringtone seller. "Our tunes are catchy, like plague."
- Nike - a clothing manufacturer, run by children, for children.
- The Gap - a clothing retailer; run child, or they'll lock you up in a sweatshop.
- Wal-Mart - a retail chain run by the elderly, disabled veterans and retards.
- Fox News - a 24-hour news channel which The Man uses to shift all blame in the country away from him and onto the liberal media.
- BSkyB - See Fox news.
- Wikipedia - source of misinformation from The Man.
- Uncyclopedia - source of misinformation about misinformation from The Man.
- Apple Computers - a company that The Man is attemping to disown because of its poor attempts at being monopolistic.
- FUBU - That's right, FUBU.
- Salvation Army - A "charitable" organization responsible for the anti-Santas mugging people outside department stores.
- Public School - No, it is not run by the tax payers.
[edit] The real truth about the man, brought to you by The Man
“Hey man, a lot of people will tell you the whole man thing is just some shit hippies dreamt up when they got paranoid on a bad trip, man. That's like a crock a shit man, any man that tells you that is working for the man, man. Even people who tell you the man exists, like tell it to you in a stupid way man, so you will think they are full of shit, when really they are full of shit, because they tell you the truth to make you believe lies, man. Just think about it for a while man, and it all starts to make sense man.”
~ The Man on Himself (Or is it? Maybe it isn't and you're being bluffed. By The Man, man
[edit] Don't push me, 'cos I'm close to the edge
Being the man is The Man's way of "Sticking it to The Man!" You may ask, "But, you are The Man!" The Man says, "I know!" If you dig a little deeper, "So you're sticking it to yourself?" After a short pause, The Man concedes, "Maybe." man.
[edit] See also
 | Fundamental Stereotypes |
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Categories: Stereotypes | People | Lastnameless | Industrialists | World domination | Working for 'The Man' | Articles about a subject written in the style of fans of the subject | Articles written in the first person | De facto rulers of the world | Things that are symbolic of man's inhumanity to man
