Haggis
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| WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. | 
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- To be confused with McHaggis
“The Haggis invites one to appreciate the finer points of life with new zeal and energy.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Haggis
The Haggis is a flightless bird similar to a grouse. It is native to the Scottish highlands and is one of the rarest birds in Britain today. Birdwatchers from all over the world flock to see this unusual creature in its native habitat. The Scottish Parks Trust run guided Haggis-watching (or "hagging") tours in the protected parks where it breeds; otherwise, these parks are closed to the public.
The Haggis was discovered in 1942 by famous birdwatcher Bill Oddie, although locals had known of the bird's existence for hundreds of years. Until Bill Oddie correctly identified the Haggis as not being a grouse, it was usually identified as, not surprisingly, being a grouse.
A group of wild haggis is known as a 'gaggle of Haggii'.
The Haggii tend to hibernate for the last 6 months of the year, although some can still be found wandering the landscape during this time.
The Haggis has been unwittingly adopted, in its 'ready-to-eat' form, as the emblem of the achingly authoritative Uncyclopedia.
[edit] Habitat and Capture
The natural habitat of the wild haggis is the hillsides and mountainsides of Scotland. The haggis is perfectly adapted for life in this setting due to the fact that one of its legs is shorter than the other two (see illustration). It also has a small rarely seen wing on its left side to help steady itself due to this. This obviously means that the Haggis is only able to travel in one direction. Haggis-hunters capitalise on this shortcoming by approaching their prey from the front - this leads the Haggii to attempt to turn around and run away from the hunters. As a result of this short-sighted strategy, the Haggii topple into their captors' waiting nets, making for a swift and humane capture. Alternately, you could grow your own by planting a haggis tree.
[edit] Consumption
Following the basic precepts of the Scottish diet ("eat anything as long as it's not green, but only if it's cheap"), it has formed a nutritional staple amongst Scots folk, both at home and abroad, for centuries. Haggis hunts are held throughout May and are usually attended by Royalty (see unemployed) as well as Scottish folk and Glaswegians. Haggis hunts are also attended by many protesters (see Greenpeace) attempting to ban these bloody massacres.
The haggis is buried on a hillside until its putrefying remains achieve the consistency of regurgitated porridge. Only then is it ready to cook. This is achieved by boiling ad infinitum to remove any residual flavour or colour.
With an irony that is not lost on countless expatriate Scots, it now graces the 'speciality' shelves of upmarket butchers in London. This is seen as a small form of revenge for the suggestion that Scots only eat deep-fried Mars Bars, and a more deeply subversive attack on the 'sassenach' English than the export of the Bay City Rollers and the continued favour of running their country for them.
[edit] Urban Myths
It is often believed that the Haggis is, in fact, a form of sausage. Whilst the "Scottish Sausage" does in fact contain some Haggis, it does not resemble the actual creature. Scottish Sausage (otherwise known as 'Highland Pork') is mainly composed of boiled pig's rectums, complete with any contents at the time of slaughter. Scottish Sausage is usually sold in lengths of 8 inches, and due to strong national pride surrounding the sausage, it may be unwise to ask any butcher (especially in Glasgow) for anything less than 6 inches. It is also customary for Scots to offer female tourists or foreigners a chance to sample this delicacy, and if one accepts the chance, it will almost always be an unforgettable experience. The haggis also shits skittles.
Barmy British Stuff 
