Haiti
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| Motto: "A Hungry Haitian is a Happy Haitian" | |
| National Anthem: Mr. Tambourine Man | |
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| Government System | Laissez-Faire Democratic Voodoo-Piracy |
| Official language | French, Haitian Creole |
| Capital | Port au Prince |
| President | Rene Preval |
| Legitimate President | None, is run by a 4-person Sugar Cartel |
| National Heroes | Anton Szandor LaVey, The GriGri man, Wyclef, Lsue Leocal, Bob Dylan |
| Independence | January 1st, 1804 |
| Currency | Duvalier |
| Religion | Voodoo |
| Exports | Partially Starved Childern, Sugar Cane, Social Unrest, B-Movie Horror Film Material |
| Imports | Food, Fabric, Pepper Spray, Silver Bullets |
| National Policy: | "Run really, really fast, and if you can't run, climb a tree, and if there are no trees, hide under water, and...oh the hell with it, they'll get you anyway." (in reference to Haiti's Burgeoning Zombie Population) |
| Foreign Policy: | "Please Don't Purchase our Nation" |
| Ethnic Groups : | 75% Zombie |
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“Damn, and I thought Ireland was ghetto.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Haiti
“Haiti...isn't that the state right next to Alaska?”
~ Dan Quayle on Haiti
“Haiti is a triumph for Free-Market Democracy!”
~ Ronald Reagan on Haiti
Haiti (whose etymology is derived from a traditional word meaning, Hades) is a small, godawfully destitute nation which is floating in the middle of the Caribbean. It is attached to Hispaniola, despite the best efforts of the latter to geographically detach it from themselves. Haiti is primaily inhabited by Zombies, and is the only country in which the concept of a "Brain Drain" implies a famine, rather than a loss of intelligent citizens. Haiti has been governed since 1930 by a four-person sugar cartel, and is the only truly free market economy in the history of civilization. In recent years, Haiti has also claimed to have cornered the local market on Genralized Misery, but is being rapidly approached by the wonderfully inept nations of Panama and Guatamala, who are attempting, in time, to bring their standard of living even lower than that of Haiti, in a desperate last attempt at National Pride. The period of Democracy in Haiti lasted very briefly, and now it is an excellent example the world over of the power of the free market to inflict prosperity upon a people (or at least their owners).
Contents |
[edit] History
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[edit] New Friends from Africa
After sending the natives to heaven, the French realized they had a problem. Who would do all the work required to harvest the cocaine to send back to France?The French were very modest and didn't consider themselves worthy of this honour. It was then decided that new friends needed to be made. France made a trip to West Africa and offered the people there free boat rides to Haiti and a job once they got there. France's new African friends were so happy with their new home and jobs that they offered to work for free! Yay!
[edit] Haitian Independence
France loved their African friends so much that they decided to leave control of the country to them in 1804. Their friends were sad to see them go but were very grateful to be given the opportunity to run their own country. As a small token of their appreciation, the new Haitian Republic offered France 80% of its GDP for the next 150 years. Graciously, France accepted their offer. Despite handing over 80% of their GDP to France every year, Haiti thrived. It's rich economy benefited all its citizens and Haitians lived in peace and prosperity for most of the next 200 years! Yay!
[edit] Duvalier Dynasty
Haiti's most peaceful period was during the reign of the Duvalier dynasty. Francois Duvalier and his son and action star Jean Claude Duvalier were kind and generous rulers. They donated much of their hard earned wealth to the already prosperous population. The Duvalier government also helped Haiti to forge closer ties with the United States government. Haitians were so enamoured with the American government that they offered to work for American corporations for pennies a day! Hooray! They also have allied with Pikachu in the past to fight off PBS Kids. Winning, Pikachu returned to Indiana to rule as Governer. Way to go!!!
[edit] 2004 Haitian Coup of the People
Haiti has always been known for its legitimamte rulers, and its tradition of excellence in electing stable governments. After Arestide, who did not even allow the United States to grab 80% of Haiti's resources, was ousted. Gérard Latortue, which is Kreyol for America's bitch was instated, everything was great, and absolutely nobody was murdered. We promise. Seriously folks, we're for real.
[edit] Economy
Haiti's GDP is based upon many diversified fields, but has lost some of its luster in recent years due to the loss of Boardwalk, but has recompensed itself by gaining Vermont Ave, and there is a rumor that Haiti may be aiming to purchase Baltic Avenue. Although tourism in Haiti is often marred by the foibles of Haiti's police force, recent remittances from Jean Poulet, who works at a home depot in Miami, has largely offset the difference.
Haiti also has a highly motivated workforce, based on traditional voodoo values such frenetic displays of dancing and violence, and response to basic commands. French commanders captured by the Haitians commented on the complete obedience and efficiency of Haitian sugarcane workers shortly before being eaten. By the late 1890's economic theorists realized what the Haitians already knew, Zombie workers had overtaken the Chinaman as the most efficient use of the marginal cost of labor.
The Haitian government has also ingeniously classified Poverty as an inheritable genetic condition, and as such, is in the throws of one of the most critical "epidemics" in all of History. However, the government is attempting to find a low cost vaccine to gurad against the dreaded "Poverty Syndrome", which, according to the government, leaves its victims looking as though they were suffering rom malnourishment, overwork, and intestinal parasites "-almost as though they [the non-Zombie Haitian peasants] were actually hungry." (as quoted by Haiti's Commerical Sugar Cartel representative).
However, aside form the drug trade and the production of coffee rust and undernourished children, Haiti has often experienced A HIGH LEVEL OF ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT, and also an unempoyment rate THAT IS ONE OF THE LOWEST IN LATIN AMERICA AND THE WORLD. This comes of their innovative policy of not counting Zombies, Children, Women, Blacks, Indigenous Islanders, the Handicapped, or the Insane into these figures, which leaves the twelve men that jointly own Haiti's 4 sugar plantations. Haiti is a land of great opportunity, but the government must learn to stay the course!
[edit] Tourism
The typical American tourist can reasonably expect to acquire at least 29 diseases in Haiti (with the possible exception of Poverty). Also, depending on their particular taste in entertainment, they have a wide variety of the 137 veneral diseases to contract from the indigenous population, which are often an excellent incentive for abstinence, in many cases leaving it the only possible option. Obtaining a passport for Haiti is problematic, as when it first attempted to open a Consulate/Embassy in the US, 80 percent of its population attempted to live in the Lobby, which had a Soda Vending Machine. After twenty-three civilians were mauled and trampled to death in a struggle for a warm can of Diet Pepsi, the government immediately closed the embassy, and, with an ingenuity rivaling that of the US Drug Policy makers, made Diet Pepsi The Number One illicit drug in Haiti, in front of Heroin, Cocaine, Methamphetamine, and television (which they didn't have anyway). However, it has been widely observed that anyone can enter Haiti, and (theoretically) leave it, as the country has no form of Border Patrol. The indigenous population does have a tendency to leave a permanent impression on tourists, usually in the form of red, cresent-shaped puncture wounds on the neck, arms, and torso, but with a proper array of armaments, a flack vest, and a dispensable body-guard contigent, the risk can be somewhat minimized.
Haiti was not always so accepting of tourism (immigration having been entirely unknown in the countries history). In the early fifties, Haiti attempted to restrict their burgoening tourist industry (which averaged 7.5 tourists and 18 drug/food smugglers per year) and decided, in an unprecedented display of neurosis and xenophobia, to erect a 200 foot wall around the country, twenty feet out from the shore into the ocean. In a last minute cost-saving measure, the anticipated concrete and cinderblocks was replaced with 50,000 square feet of cardboard water proofed with carmelized sugar. Once constructed, the entire structure lasted for approximately four minutes before being dissolved and partially eaten by seagulls and enterprising Haitian citizens. However, this novel method of border control (which was developed by one of the more intelligent ( approximate IQ of 12) of the Zombie-workers at Plantation Number 3) has been much lauded by the United States Government, whose current President is, as always, quick to recognize the work of a kindred intellect.
[edit] Timeline of Haitian History
April 1, 1804: Haiti is formed as an April Fools prank by three French Medical Students, the african slaves who made the mistake of taking them seriously, and a Voodoo priest which bears a striking resemblance to the late Ronald Regan. The nations of the world are too busy to notice, and Haiti quietly gains independence from France.
March 17, 1812: Zombie assimilation of the population begins under the promising Slogan "The Great Shuffle Forward". First national quotas on Zombie production established.
December 25, 1819: The first and last Christian missionaries sent to Haiti, and are mistaken as Famine releif Aid. The official opinion of the Haitian popultaion is recorded as "Delicious". In response, Pope Pius VII excommunicates the entire Nation.
January 1, 1828: Last "human" president of Haiti, Anton Szandor LaVey, elcted to office by the somewhat misguided votes of the sentient population.
January 7, 1828: Last "human" president eaten during a National adress. Hatians everywhere hold a day of mourning, only to remember later how much they hated the man (similar occurrences after the death of Stalin, in Soviet Russia)
October 10, 1930: The First Sugar Catrtel of Haiti declares itself the Central Government, and with no opposition in a language that they can understand, subject it's citizens to the benevolent rigours of Laissez Faire economy as applied to slave labour.
August 13, 1842: Haiti engages in first trade with the Outside world, with the accidental smuggling of three black citizens, half a pound of sugar and three bannanas to the Florida Keys. Haiti opens Diplomatic relations with the United States.
April 1, 1854: Haiti celbrates it's Fiftieth National anniversary with the importation 500 cans of Spam, to be distributed in ratios of 1 can to every twenty of its citizens. Subsequent riots over the food cause the Haitian government to ban Spam from the Nation, and make its production a Felony.
June 21, 1869: 1st National Union of Zombie Workers attempted in an effort to improve working conditions, particularly decreasing the 148-hour work-week. However, disorientation and an average room-temperature IQ contribute to its eventuall collapse three days after the first meeting.
November 6, 1893: Hatian literacy Rate to an unprecedented two and half percent. Hatian government sees this as a threat to stability, and declares all literate non-plantation owners Terrorists, subjecting them to extreme psychological torture. This of course has NO parallel in ANY Modern Day Nation.
May 7, 1915: A Hatian immegrant working on borad the Lusitania accidentally causes an explosion in the boiler room, which sinks the ship. This causes the United States to enter World War I against Germany.
January 1, 1938: Haiti declares war on the Axis Powers and nobody notices.
October 12, 1962: Haiti declares war on Israel in an attempt to get attention from the Western World. This sufficiently distracts the US two days before the Cuban Missile Crisis, which accounts for the slow and cumbersome handling of the whole matter. In retaliation, the US places an embargo on all Hatian
goods, which no-one bought anyway. This accounts for a .0028 % drop the US national GDP through lost trade.
July 30, 1967: Bob Dylan is declared a National Hero in haiti, as his singing is so agonizingly bad that it is a wonderful hit with the Zombie workers, of whom it vividly rminds the rest of the population. "Mr. Tambourine Man" is declared the national anthem, which is immensly more popular than their previous anthem, "The Alphabet Song".
February 16, 1978: Nicotine replaces Blowfish venom as the number one neurotoxin of choice among Haitian citizens, Zombies and otherwise.
November 22, 1989: The UN officially declares Haiti to be a 23rd World Nation, which to the mathematically illiterate population immediately becomes a source of tremendous pride. Offical exports include dirt, coffee rust, voodoo curios, sisal, and bootleg Bob Dylan albums.
1990: Mikerson Laurent is dropped from a passing UFO. His first haitian meal...mud.
September 2, 2001: Haiti purchased by Enron for $29.95 (US), in an attempt to explain away lost earning. The attempt fails, and Haiti is returned to it's original, happy cartel.
March 14, 2004: A group of Haitian pacifists proposes to change the name of the country to "Luvvi". They are promptly shot.
