Half-Life 2

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The entire planet has been conquered by a super aliens and all of humanity is depending on you. Here, have a fucking crowbar.

Half-Life 2, also known as Quarter Life (because a second half-life is technically equal to half of the first, thus 1/2/2=1/4) is a "super 1337" first-person shooter game that is a sequel, oddly enough, to the game "Half-Life 3." Because of this unusual order of game titles in this series, many hardcore gamers committed suicide, believing that time and space has reversed, and that they will eventually turn back into sperms. Thus, the release date of this game, November 16, 2004, is forever known as the infamous "Day of Holy Crap, Time is Going Backwards, Kill Yourself Before it is Too Late-day." Unfortunately, for the game's developers, Ugly Spigot, the fanbase for Half-Life 2 was sharply reduced by 95%. Some may argue that this tragic incident was a result of improper product advertising, but others believe that this event was an example of Natural Selection (not the mod, of course.) The labs are currently pointing to a massive harpooning of the fans.

[edit] The Release

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After 31 years in development and endless hours of forced labor by small orphans in Canada, the game was successfully released to the lucky 5% of the fans who have not killed themselves in the fury of confusion. Unfortunately again for the product's developers, the remaining fanbase have turn old and senile due to the fact these people were the only gamers who bothered to wait all those long years and the 3,568 announced delays of Half-Life 2's release. Of the 5%, 65% of that group have lost their vision due to health problems and/or the lenghty stay in the basements of some relative's house for almost all their lives. Or prehaps due to the intake of several gallons of Mountain Dew.Another cause of this "Half-Life Blindness" was the almost unheard of amount of masturbation among fans. however, who can feel sorry for them, would you fuck someone who played Half-Life? There are two types of public distribution for this game. One involved the usage of an online program called "Steamy Crap." This program decided whether or not the customer is worthy of receiving the product he/she already paid for. In order to make this decision, "Steamy Crap" forced the user to undergo certain trials to see if he/she has mental stability and strengh. The customer had to survive while watching 80 minutes of homosexual pornography, 75 minutes of a movie involving sexual acts done to animals and, lastly, the same 80 minutes of homosexual pornography previously seen but with the music of the Backstreet Boys played loudly in the background. Sadly, many gamers did not survive the program's trials, and, as a consquence for their failure, they did not receive Half-Life 2. The other distribution practice for this game involved retail stores and departments. The boxes of "Half-Life 2" are covered with sharp razors and thrown violently at consumers, using the Gravity Gun. Don't drink the water.

PLEASE NOTE: The original makers of Half-Life, "Vulva" were abducted by the Vortigaunt slaves and subjected to torture by Poison headcrabs for advocating the senseless killing of Alien race as a result of violating the terms set by SETI, Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence? penis penis penis

[edit] G-Man

Despite being almighty, G-man often can be seen as dead.

The mystique of G-man traces back to the original Half-Life. Throughout the course of the game, Gordon will, as a result of his heavy induction of hallucinogenic substances to his body, see G-man observing his completion of rape, murder, and solving cool puzzles. G-man wears a trademark blue Versace suit and always carries a briefcase. It is rumored that inside his briefcase are those things Will Smith sold in that happy movie.

[edit] Multiplayer

Although Half-life 2 did ship with multiplayer, fans can access the mods HL2: Pimpmatch, and CounterSkunk: Whores.

[edit] HL2:Pimpmatch

- In Pimpmatch you can be the Pimp you always wanted to be, but your mom didn't let you, by tossing toilets and sinks around the arena. You should be very careful though cause gasmasked butt-kicker team is always there to put you down with their vibrating weapons. By killing bitches and CP's you get score and you advance in Top Pimp and you can buy new parts to your virtual pimp mobile and buy new bling. Special Game mode-

• -Snatch My Bitch Up: Is when 2 rival pimps try to steal each others bitches and bring them to their base safely. Having sex with opponents bitches on opponents base gets bonus points and more bling.

[edit] CounterSkunk: Whores

- More tactical than the simple pleasures of HL2:Pimpmatch, CounterSkunk is a game in which drugged up special forces twitch maniacally around corners to shoot their enemy in the groin before the same happens to themselves. This is known as a 'Cockshot', and is an instant kill.

While trying to gun each other down, players can also score bonus points by 'planting the weed' or by 'doping up'. This gives players extra cash at the start of the next round, to spend on hoes, bling and firearms.

There's also this one part of the game called kill each other real fast and then you get to go like, boom with a gun and it's a multiplayer part called kill each other. You get points by not dying and or being eaten by Alex Vance, the babe.

[edit] See Also

• Half-Life
• Steam
• Headcrab
• 1337
• Crysis