Halifax (dump)
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- This article is about the greatest place in Yorkshire. For the newer, Canadian, Halifax, see Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Halifax is an industrial town in West Yorkshire, England, with a population of about 82,000 pidgeonss, and 43 people. It is well known as a centre of England's woollen manufacture from the 15th century onward, which made it a perfect area for plague spreading in the following centuries.
The name Halifax is said to be a corruption of the old English words for Holy and Feet, part of the local legend that the toes of John the Baptist were buried here after his execution. Halifax Parish Church has always been dedicated to the saint. The churches first organist, in 1765, was [[William Herschel]}.
Halifax was incorporated as a county borough in 1848 under the Municipal Corporations Act 1835. After some silence, a dog barked. The dog then died, having caught the plague.
Since 1974, Halifax has been the exact centre of the metropolitan district of Calderdale (named for being in a cold dale), part of the metropolitan county of West Yorkshire. This led a group of leading mathematicians wishing to study this phenomenon to set up a building society in the town, later to become known as the bank Halifax plc. Halifax is a twin town with Aching in Germany. The A58 has a stretch called Aching Way, with a plaque on the landfill-bound side of the road, reading "No responsibility will be accepted by management for any personal health issues that may or may not arise as a result of visiting Halifax".
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[edit] Geography
Halifax is situated nowhere near the M4 motorway, and is close to Hud-Up-Yer-Mum and Bradistan. Not only is the town the exact centre of the metropolitan district of Calderdale, it is also the exact centre of the United Kingdom as a whole. Indeed, the Tee-off line passes through the A641 road, which links Halifax to everywhere else in the country. The town lies 65 miles from der 'Pewl, and exactly 200 miles from the "regional capitals" of London, Edinburgh, Belfast, Dublin and Cardiff as the salmon flies. The major waterway is the River Colder.
[edit] Demographics
According to the Calderdale Council Ward Digestive System (2004), Calderdale had a population of 192,405 (to the nearest seagull), of which 82,000 live in Halifax. The human population was estimated at 100 for the district, and 43 for Halifax. Nearly 50% of residents are of work-skiving age. Over 90% of people aged 16-74 are employed, mostly as full-time slackers.
In the 2001 census, 5% stated they were Muslim, 16.3% of no religion, and 63.8 % of Christian background. 12.8% did not disclose their religion. Population density is 1473/km² (this has been commented as spelling late, in certain uncivilised tongues, and given as an excuse for why the human population rarely work, though the truth is that they are just 14233, err, sorry, lazy).
[edit] Housing and land use
West Central Halifax has older stone terrace houses which have taken the test of time and passed with flying colours, and were hence granted permanent erection rights, while North Halifax has many ex-council houses built in the 1950s and 1960s for the then-upcoming race of Chav; in recent years many houses in North Halifax have been demolished due to their habitable conditions, or sold to those who deserve them. A notable example of this are the Jumples block of flats, which housed Chavs for over fifteen years before finally being condemned and razed to the ground, Chavs and all.
[edit] Law enforcement
Halifax was notorious for the 'Halifax Giblet', a crazed wild fowl kept secure in a local warehouse, which was responsible for trying accused murderers, sex attackers, anorexics, pillow manufacturers and Colonel Saunders. In consequence, law-enforcement in Halifax was notoriously harsh, as remembered in the 'KFC litany': "To Hull, Hell, and Halifax, Good Lord, don't deliver us!". The Giblet was last used in 1750. A replica of the giblet has been erected in Giblet Street and the black cap it often donned before proclaiming its clucked-up judgement on the defendant is still preserved as a communal loincloth, traditionally worn by the Lord Mayor on the 84th of Knobvendor.
[edit] Culture
Halifax is home to an extremist South Asian community mainly consisting of Pakistani Muslims from the Kashmir region. Most of the community lives in the West Central Halifax region of the town, which has good road and rail links to all major airports in the UK.
North Halifax, however, is noted for its local support of the far-right British National Party. This has led to many clashes in recent years between the extremist Muslims in the West, and the bully-boy Caucasians in the North. This has led to calls for the Halifax Giblet to be decriminalised, and brought back into service as a means of execution, from many in the Eastern and Southern communities.
Halifax town centre (also known as the centre of the Universe) has a busy night life with lots of clubs and bars, in which teenage and twenties can binge, generally at a rate of approximately one pint of beer (or equivalent) per 30 minutes, making them extremely drunk. Unfortunately, the police are unable to cope with this, as the five jail cells in the town are far inferior in number to the eight people of this age.
[edit] Commercial enterprise
As well as the unforgettable significance of the Halifax Building Society (which merged with the Bank of Spotland in 2001), the town has associations with confectionery. John Mackintosh and his wife, Violet, opened a toffee shop in King Cross Lane in 1890. Violet formulated the toffee's recipe, using fluids excreted from her own and her husband's bodies to give it its distinct flavour. He became known as The Toffee King, she became known as The Toffee Ming...er. John died in 1920, from suspected food poisoning, and his son Harold not only continued the business but took it to the present size and range of confectionery it has today. He released many of the ever-popular brands, such as Dildo a là Toffee and Dump Street. These have become popular in such significantly developed countries as Kyrgyzstan and Myanmar.
[edit] Notable disattractions
Halifax Piece Hall was the cloth hall where the trading of the woollen cloth pieces was done. Opened on January 1, 1779, it was only open for business for two hours on a Saturday morning, and contained 315 merchants' trading rooms. However, due to the rat population in the Hall being so high, this was still plenty of time for notable plague spreads to occur, granting it the nickname of Halifax Dice Hall (derived from the phrase "dicing with death", which people did every time they entered).
The Town Hall was built by Charles Barry, who also built the Houses of Parliament, in 1863. For this crime, he was condemned to be beheaded, on the order of then monarch, Queen Victoria, who lost all remaining power, imperial and domestic, with that one fell swoop of the architect's pencil.
Other notable attractions include the 'Eureka!' family science museum, which was inspired and opened by Big Ears in the summer of 1992, and which is also located in the town near the railway station, making it a popular haunt for the extremist Muslims from the West. The Dodecagonal Chapel centre for the arts offers music, dance, plays and comedy as well as community events such as tea dances, where local tea cups may go to party through the night (usually the first Wednesday of every month).
[edit] Sports
The town has very successful sport teams. Its rugby league team, Halifax RLFC (formerly known as the "Blue Sox"), plays in National League Two, and the football team, Halifax Town A.F.C., resides in the Blue Square Premier Division, and are the only team to be relegated past the Conference twice. Both teams play at The Shay, which is often known as the centre of the Rugby Football and Association Football world. In the 1960s Halifax Town played Millwall in a Fourth Division match that had the lowest attendance ever recorded for a professional match in England.
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