Halloween
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“Lifes like a box of chocolates, its all pretty sweet until a bunch of scary looking midgets take it from you on your own doorstep.”
~ Tom Hanks on Halloween
All Harlots Eve is a tradition that goes back centuries in the west. On October 31st mothers everywhere would send their daughters out in whoreish costumes to gather tricks or treats around the neighbourhood. Traditional garb includes low cut shirts, short skirts and thigh high stockings honouring the dead and spirits.
In America Halloween has become known as "My Mommy Lets me Dress Like a Skunk Night", but is still referred to as Halloween for short. Emos and Goths alike love it. Pilgrim mothers everywhere would dress up their daughters as filthy skunks in short black skirts, copious amounts of bad makeup that went around the neighbourhood begging for tricks and treats. Mostly on local street corners and bars but a few could be found wandering into the suburban streets on wobbly 3" heels and pulling tricks on the unsuspecting pious folk, getting wasted out of their skulls on rock candy and wanton acts of vandalism on letterboxes, parked horses and stage coaches if their trick didn't literally pony up the rock.
On December 31, 1959 the holiday was protested by many conservatives, including such high profile celebrities as Oprah and Ultra Jesus. Consequently it was banned by the government until the 1960s.
In Sweden All Harlots Eve was instituted as a national holiday, raising the skank to dead spirit ratio to an all time high in the country. Following Sweden's success America legalised Halloween again in 1964, short skirts in freezing October weather were once again abound, pleasing the spirits. They can also be found on radio stations everywhere around the globe except some blind spots near Montreal.
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[edit] For Children
For those children too young to skank-out, a series of rituals were created to get them out of the house and on the streets, so that older couples could enjoy each other's costumes in "private". Some of these rituals and customs are listed below.
- The egging of trees in white wrappings - To ward off the ancient mummies of Egypt.
- The spraying of white foam on one another, and road signs - To disguise their scents from the foaming rabid werewolves, and to keep the werewolves from finding their way through town.
- The beating of one another with socks filled with flower - To create puffs of flour, allowing them to see and avoid passing by spirits.
- The throwing of eggs at one another and at houses that give crappy candy - To symbolise the life and death of the spirits. The egg represents the birth, the throwing represents the life, and the splattering and the pain on impact represents the death... and the stinky rotten egg smell represents the undeath and haunting.
- The ringing of doorbells and dashing off into the shrubbery - To confuse stalking demons inside houses.
- The playing of bobbing for apples with the local neoconservative dynasty.
[edit] Halloween and its relation to PSEUDO-Christianity
Satan is a master deceiver, and Halloween is just one of his tricks (or treats, if you're a satanist). Kids love Halloween because it is both fun,gay,scary, and of course free candy. But they have no idea what's behind this celebration -- if children really knew it represented a history of popes selling out to convert pegans, they would be sick to their stomach and probably start to watch naruto. To satanists and witches, Halloween is no joke -- of course, witches don't max out their credit cards to celebrate Jesus' birthday, so they're pretty bad at getting the message of most holidays. As we get closer to the Second Coming of Jesus, Satanism will increase -- until, people are calling each other terrible names, starting wars in other countries for no reason,becoming jews because pigs will extinct, and pretending to love Jesus just to get elected. So will human sacrifice (sic: see previous comments on foreign wars in the name of Christ)!
Halloween started in the British Isles with the Druids. October 30th was a night of terror called "Samhain." That night the Druids went house to house, demanding a child or virgin for human sacrifice. The victim was the Druids' treat. In exchange for the victim, they left a Jock-O-Lantern (named after a guy who got more chics before a burning pumpkin was named after him) with a lighted candle made of human fat. Which was supposed to prevent Those inside the home from death demons that night. When some unfortunate couldn't meet the demands of the Druids, then it was time for the trick. A symbolic hex was drawn on the front door. That night Satan or his demons would kill someone in that home. Spellbound, pgs. 13-14 published by Chick Publications. The Druids offered children in sacrifices. They believed that only "the fruit of the body" offered to Satan was for the "sin of the soul." The Two Babylons by Hislop, page 232. The same thing is going on today, only it's much more subtle. Lucifer Dethroned and Blood on the Door Posts, by William and Sharon Schnoebelen. You must understand that Satan is one of the most powerful and intelligent creatures God ever created, and our all powerful God can just barely stop him -- be afraid! Ezekiel 28:12-15 (Ezekial wasn't afraid, but nevermind). If you think he doesn't exist, then you won't fight him -- and, if you're not fighting someone, you're not a modern Christian. Satan's greatest desire is to hurt and destroy people (he also likes cheesecake, and to have his horns rubbed just so -- occasionally he wiki-edits as well). The children who are mutilated and murdered every Halloween are no accident -- the ones mutilated and murdered the rest of the year, those, however are an accident (whoops God).
An increasing number of people are seeing the dangers associated with celebrating Halloween -- these people are mostly too big to fit into their costumes. Christians, when exposed to the dark side of the day, are deciding that celebrating it is not pleasing to the Lord Jesus Christ -- and, instead purchase BMWs with money they could be giving to poor people, to display their little silver fish. Wise parents are replacing Halloween with family night activities -- like, sitting around on uncyclopedia talking about Satan. Others are having "Glory Gatherings" where all references to Halloween are removed and wholesome games are played (God's power is limited in his ability to remove references to Halloween without our help -- Exodus:this Planeticus, 1-3), Christian songs are sung and Christian videos are shown (NO, not THOSE Christian videos -- the other ones). Others are using Halloween as a night to pass out Gospel literature -- in an related story, egging the houses of these pseudo-Christians has tripled. Whatever you do, "Be not overcome of evil, but over come evil with good." Romans 12:21. Use your time to follow our Lord's techings, like, feeding the poor, helping the sick, not judging, loving they neighbor, fearing not through the valley of evil, and other of the sillier commandments like editing on uncyclopedia or passing out pamphlets.
[edit] Halloween Mission Thing
Costume must be easy to move in. You must be armed with at least a hunting knife, garlic, UV Flashlight, Bible, and Battle Rifle. Sneak around the back of your house and get out about half a block away from your own house so no one knows who you are. Move your way down every block, make sure it is around 4:30-5:00, the little kids are gone, its a little darker, and there's still a lot of candy. Careful though, Wherewolves, Vampires, Zombies, Germans, and other scary creatures meander the streets on Halloween night. The Zombies have been resurrected from the Dodgeball Massacre of 1332. If you see a small child, on his way home with a giant sack of candy, he is a sitting duck. Sneak up behind him and kick him in the side of the knee-cap- he will go down instantly. If he resists, continue beating him in the following way: punch to face, grab head and knee him in the face, while on the ground stomp on his/her throat, repeat until successful. Take his candy, and leave him for the Germans to feast on!
There will always be the asshole who has a bowl and says "Take One" next to it. Fuck that! Pour the entire bowl into your pillow-case, and if you're REALLY daring, take the bowl itself with the candy inside it. If you do not take the bowl, and least take a shit in it for the other trick-or-treaters to see. When you are completely unable to carry your bag, high-tail it back to your house to feast on the candy. On your way back, the creatures will sense your eagerness for the candy, and you will be most likely attacked. This is when you take out your Battle Rifle, strap your UV Flashlight to your mask, and get ready to pwn. Germans try to be stealthy, but their odor is able to be smelled from and average of .8 kilometers away, so they cannot be that stealthy. Zombies move very slowly and suck when they get shot in the head. Vampires are just like regular bitchy humans, but they like the taste of blood so they shouldn't be a big problem. Werewolves are a lot like Germans. You might have to travel in a pack. When complete, go home and eat the candy while playing Counter-Strike or while watching a "scary" movie cheaply made in the 80s or 90s.
