Halo
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| Halo | ||
|---|---|---|
 | ||
| Developer | Vatican Games in accociation with Holy Games and jit pals anusBungie | |
| Release Date | 1314 but will have a remake for the xbox wii 60 and for the PeeS 32543 for 2045 | |
| Genre | first person ethnic cleanser and third person car bomber | |
| Platforms | Cardboard box with "X" written on it | |
| Rating | PG 2000 not suitable for anyone under the age of 3 | |
| Would David Letterman play it? | if it was a jalapeno on a stick | ! |
“If you were a monument to all of my sins you would look much worse!â€
~ Oscar Wilde on The Grave mind
“When i joined the corp we daint have no fancy schmancy armor that covered your groin.. we had a stick and some rocks... and we had to share the rocks!!â€
~ Sgt. A J Johnson
“What is that glowing blue thing on my... oh shitâ€
~ anonymous NOOB
“WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE???â€
~ Call of Duty 4 player on Halo multiplayer
Contents |
[edit] The Game
Halo is the undisputed best game on the planet. The actual components of the game are shrouded in mystery, but this article will allow you to know as much as has been factually confirmed.
The majority of gameplay is set in the year 300 and revolves around defeating a group called Los Covenantos who are basically a hispanic gang of troubled dwarf Indians. They believe in the Covenant, which is the belief that Mel gibson made Perms and left them lying around the universe for the faithful to find, promising that once the whole universe had only those who sought the perms, they would be allowed to enter the holy twinky factory.
Using the control stick, players move their characters around looking for non perm wearers (antipermers), like John Locke, Cpt Picard and John Mclaine
You won't experience anything new at all when compared to other fps game mechanics, controls, or gameplay. The guns are famous for their poofy fart noises along with crap classical music that doesn't blend with the game in any way possible.
The leader of the covenent: The high prophet of Catinfluenced by his advisors: Kate and Gerry McCann decides that the best way to Permify the universe is to destroy all those who oppose the almighty perm, so he enacted order 67, meaning that all the gruntperms, jackalperms, eliteperms, hunterperms, bruteperms, and droneperms in the galaxy turned against those who refused to follow the ways of the permers.
The hero of the story, the Chief of Masters, played by Vin Diesel, is on a mission to save all other Antipermers and all of humanity..except those who turned to the Covenent. When encountering a fellow Antipermer, the Chief of Masters can tap X,X,A,Y,RB,B,Left,Right,X,A,Y,Down,Down to grant him a razor-spoon, which slowly transforms into an M-16, and finally, an M1 Abrams tank. This transformation takes place over about 5 minutes, during which the Antipermer follows and assists you in your mission. After the 5 minutes is up, the player can press Left, X, A, A, Y, B, Right, Down, Y to send the Antipermer away on his own missions, or X, Y, X, B, Right, Up to order him to follow you for the rest of the game.
For Every AntiPermer Saved, the Chief of Masters receives one point, which is put on a type of credit card, and is used to buy food from McDonald's.
If you are able to reach 40,000 points, then you gain access to the mini game called, "Halo3: Finish the Fight". No one knows why it included, since no one likes the game.
[edit] Online play
Halo is recognized as having the most effective online playing to date, using the free service of xboxlive which is recognized as 100% reliable.
The actual mechanics of online play consist of several game types, including s14yz0rz, Capture the F**, and Jagged-knot, although most people spend their time picking up every grenade on the map and tossing it into random corridors where your teammates are. This is known by them as scoring a "team point". Also in the microphone is a built-in sensor that gives you points if the following two conditions are met: 1) you die 2) you scream in a high pitch voice proclaiming your deadness to your mom upstairs. There is a total of 2.3 maps that come with the game and require a monthly fee of five-thousand dollars (2 euros).
*Spoiler*
The final boss in the game is a giant iMac. Although the original boss was a huge white puzzle-sphere named "Wikipedia", Microsoft changed this after buying the company that was making Halo.
The majority of the game is played by fat people and furfags, and maybe some of the emo population as an excuse for being a poser if someone ever found out. Halo players strive at nothing to become the greatest Halo master of all time, so they train themselves in the arts of n00bing n00bs for endless hours in their ultimate quest to kill 'em all. Anyone that is under them is a n00b and must perish, then be constantly teabagged for countless hours. However, anyone better than them is obviously a cheater or an evil Satanic practicer of The H4ckz, and should also perish. In short, these people are a minority and are only known for an unnoticeable statistic on the census and should be treated as such. If you find anyone in your server who is better than you, ban him.
[edit] Sequels
RYEE has announced that a sequel, "Halo 2: Combat Intelligently Designed" will be released for players who were sent to hell and want to stop dancing to the catchy beat of the most hated song in the game, the MJOLNIR remix . Little information is known about "Halo 2: Combat Intelligently Designed" except the basic plot which consists of Satan returning and, in realizing that he cannot defeat the player, to release the player, under the condition that he will serve Satan in spreading his heathen ideas on evolution for all eternity. "Halo 4: Combat Quite Clever" has not had much thought put into it yet, just like the other two games. However, we do know that it centers around covering the holy twinky factory with used (or as other people would put it, "recycled") toilet paper.
[edit] Legendary Edition
The Legendary Edition of Halo was released for people who believed that if they spent more on the packaging of the game, they were superior (in the eyes of the Lord). The main problem that gamers had was that the the much publicized 'Legendary Helmet' was no more than a crown of thorns made of some sticks and grass. Then you got put on a cross.
[edit] Muslim Version
The main difference in the Muslim version is the slightly different storyline. It begins with Osama bin Laden entering in a contact with Jihadists called the Covenant (members of God's warriors). These terrorists are now attempting to destroy all non-Muslims, and Muslims that disagree even slightly with them. The entire game, you spend either attempting to blow up as many of these Infidels as possible by several different methods (including RPGs and suicide tactics) or by gathering materials to build a nuclear weapon (to kill all the Infidels at once). If one picks the first method, they are granted an entire country to use at their disposal to kill as many Infidels as possible, and the game more resembles Final Fantasy tactics. However, if you pick the second option, you control only one person, the president of a randomly selected Arab country. The entire game is based around gathering as much uranium as possible while distracting the U.S. through foreign politics and by manipulating your ally, the United Nations. No matter which one you choose, the game is over when all your countrymen die, and if you killed at least one Infidel, you go to Muslim heaven . The player can also send suicide bombers to blow up other people. They deal lot of damage, but then you lose men. The Infidels are weak and fast, and are therefore annoying and boring to kill. The only way to actually have fun is if you get into a war with the U.S. This brings two results: 1: You have 13% more fun. 2: Your character's life expectancy is reduced to 5 minutes.
When the Halo: Muslim version was first released, the shipping trucks in front of stores were guarded by heavily armed Homeland Security S.W.A.T (Sent With Arbiter's Thanks) teams. As the delivery men were unloading, they were stormed by Muslims dressed up as Master Chief Muhammhed (the protagonist in Halo: Muslim version) and Covenant Elites (a.k.a. Christians; see above) with paint-ball guns. They were all shot on site and killed by the members of S.W.A.T . One wuss, a hairy man called a Brute (a name in the game given to Jews) began to run as soon as the first shot rang out. However, as he was running away, witnesses claim a 1337 soldier sniped him from a distance and yelled out, "BOOM HEADSHOT!" Reportedly, God was heard yelling: "Killing Spree!", as no less then 5 men fell to the floor. At a slightly later time, a light came down from the heavens and his deep booming voice shouted: [1]"Killimanjaro Kills!"
[edit] Halo in Today's Society
[edit] MLG
MLG is short for Major League Gaming, which is an organized official group of gamers who know that Halo is a sport and can be played professionally. Usually they are only proficient in teh Snipez, teh SPNKRs, rocket n00bing, fuel rod n00bing, flamethrower n00bing, and the BR. If they're good at anything else, they are not true Pro Haloers (for the purpose of this article, they will from here on out be called "Halofags"). Also, any time you happen to kill a Halofag in combat, he was either tired, didn't feel like playing, was distracted, had the view of the screen obstructed, or a less-experienced player was playing for them the exact moment they died, as the real player tended to something else.
Because Halo is a true sport, requiring exercise, coordination, and being sweaty and over-muscular, all Halofags can kick your ass. Be warned of this whenever arranging to fight one in real life. However, their physical appearance is so revolting that they will be apprehended by Area 51 and the government will make them never have existed far before they can get to, or even find you. If every Halofag tells you they will come to your house and "k1k ur a$$", they must be able to, and after they're done that, they will steal your wallet and then proceed back home. But again, they can't because their Xbox would be really far away then, and since the thing weighs 6.022x1023 megagrams and they can't bring it with them, they won't leave home without it.
[edit] How to Tell if you're an MLG Halofag
Do you...
- Have a girl/boyfriend?
- Have a steady income?
- Have a decent job you like?
- get mail?
- pay taxes?
- Contribute to charity?
- Maintain a steady Body Mass Index less that 50?
- Have a normal weight-height ratio?
- Eat a healthy, balanced diet?
- Exercise?
- Play games that aren't associated with war?
- Speak the English language, or whatever your native language is, correctly and fluently?
- Type with numbers when talking about a number or number amount?
- Refrain from the use numbers to represent letters or even whole words in a sentence?
- Use an appropriate amount of punctuation?
- Refrain from overusing capital letters?
If you answered no to any of these questions, you just may be a Halofag. If you answered yes to any of them, you may not, but there is still a chance that you are. If you answered no to all of these questions, you are This Guy.
[edit] Better than a Halofag? No way!
Remember, it is possible to be better than a Halofag. Do you play the game for fun, and don't care if you are t3h m0st 1337, n00b-pwnz0rzing H410 MLG d00d 3v4r?!1?!?!!!!eleventyone? Do you partake in the act of [powerful weapon or vehicle name here] n00bing just because it's fun to listen to people whine and bitch? Are you terrible at Halo? You may not be better than an MLG Halofag at Halo, but you have more morals and are probably a much better person than a Halofag. Way to go, you're better than them!
We hope this article was very informative, and may even have convinced you to try the game. 7h4nk u 4 r34d1ng.
