Hamburger
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.”
~ Samuel L Jackson on Hamburgers
“In Soviet Russia, hamburger eats YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Hamburgers
“I'd like a hamburger please.”
~ George W. Bush on a hot dog stand
A hamburger is a complex polysemic quasi-organic integrated nutritional delivery system that can be purchased at high technology dealerships called restaurants. As the name implies, Hamburgers were invented at the University of Frankfurt.
Contents |
[edit] Modern Hamburger Fabrication
First, a suitable foam-like substrate is prepared in the shape of a long thin plate. Raw bread is forced vertically through a cylindrical die 12 cm in diameter and precision-sliced horizontally. The bread slice ("bun" for short) is checked for structural defects, meticulously washed and blow-dried, and then carefully mounted on a mechanical holding device which operates in a completely dust-free environment. Next, the bun is coated with a layer of photoresist. Ultraviolet light is passed through a photographic mask with the precise shape of the layer of meat that is to be deposited onto the bread, which changes the exposed photoresist in such a way that it can be easily dissolved in a bath of sulfuric acid. The etched bun is then subjected to a beam of ionized ketchup particles which infuse into the exposed bread to a depth of approximately 10 to 20 nanometers. A very thin layer of ground ham is then electrochemically deposited, and the remaining photoresist is stripped away. The device is then capped with an upper slice of bun and welded shut. The assembled package is then rigorously tested on an electronic simulator. (Typically, no more than 7 to 10% of hamburgers successfully pass the all-important testing stage. However, such a low yield is acceptable, given the marketable value of each defect-free unit.) Finally, the fresh hamburger is hard-wired into a fully-functioning meal system, and is then ready to be sold to the end user. NOTE: Emus LOVE hamburgers. If you are eating a hamburger and see an emu, throw it down and run for your life. Do NOT confuse emos with emus, emos don't like anything.
[edit] Moore's Law of Meat
Due to rapid advances in food science, which a monkey invented, the amount of valuable meat that is required to build a fully-functioning hamburger has been declining drastically in the past several decades. According to McDonald's co-founder Michael Moore, the total meat content of a marketable hamburger should continue to follow an exponentially-declining curve for many years to come. As of 2005, the meat layer need be no thicker than 90 nanometers. Restaurant technicians have projected that 60 nm meat thickness is now technologically feasible, (if shredded newspapers are used as filler) and should be out on the market by the end of the year.
[edit] The Scary Uncertain Future
Of course, when hamburger "meat" eventually reaches the thickness of a molecule, the dreaded laws of quantum cheddardynamics must be taken into account somehow. Popular pessimistic prognosticators have been predicting that hamburger nanotech must hit an impenetrable wall at this point; only time will tell. Experts think they have a solution.
Some suggested solutions involve polite and efficient service in order to make more profit with which to make more meat, but McDonaldland executives have pointed out that "people don't want politeness, they want grease and they want to wallow around in that grease for a very long time". This is, of course, a filthy lie true.
[edit] Hamburger People
Inhabitants of the city of Hamburg, Germany. A small sect of Hamburger faced people who live in tunnels underneath a abandoned pre-school full of empty rubber cement cans are not actually edible as once was thought. They are a simple people who love little boys, large trucks, and the music of Elton John.
[edit] The Rest Of Some Crap
If you stare directly into a hamburger for about 17 minutes straight it will sometimes magically transform back into the piece of crap it was excreted from. This is called the Hungry-Donald principle. One exception, don't blink more than six times or it turns back into a messy pile of diarrhea and has a chance of spreading more than 3 Miles.
[edit] Hamburgerlympics
Every 4 years The Culinary Institute of America holds the Hamburgerlympics. In events such as eating, gorging, stuffing, and eating-then-vomiting-back-up-then-eating-again, competitors compete against each other to win McDonald's vouchers and credit for Gastric bypass surgery. Recent winners include Dick Cheney, the fat guy off American Idol, and Jared from Subway.
[edit] See Also
- Hamburgers the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast T shirt at The Analogue Revolution
