Hammer
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“When all you have is a hammer, everything else looks like it needs a good solid whack in the head with a hammer.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hammers
“STOP!!! Hammer Time”
~ MC Hammer on Correct DIY Methods
A hammer is a tool consisting of a long wooden handle attached to a shaped chunk of metal. The chunk of metal is specially designed to perform the hammer's most important functions:
- Hitting things
- Gouging out eyes
The hammer is exceedingly good at its job.
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[edit] Usage
A hammer is best wielded with a firm two-hand grip, dominant hand on top. Of course, if you feel the urge to hook the eye-gouging apparatus around two fingers and swing it wildly in all directions, with the hammer held tenuously in your hand by the power of centripetal force alone, feel free. No one will stop you. Indeed, everyone will be too afraid to stop you.
The proper way to handle a hammer varies depending on how the user wishes to operate it. Here is a simple guide:
[edit] Hitting
Swing the hammer high above your head, scream maniacally, then forcefully slam the blunt end of the hammer down upon your intended target with every fiber of your being. Hernias are a possibility for heavier Norse hammers.
For maximum damage, strike the target squarely on top of the head. Squeamish users may want to steel themselves for the resulting spray of blood and gray matter. The well-trained will often try the Norse God approach and throw the hammer viciously at the opponent. Though effective and fun to watch, it is very difficult for even the veteran hammers user to have the hammer come back to them.
[edit] Eye-gouging
Direct the sharp "prongs" of the hammer into either of the target's eye sockets. Careful aim is needed in order to successfully gouge out the eye, rather than cause a simple puncture wound or compound fracture. The optimal point of entry for the hammer is just between the target's eye and eyebrow -- aiming down, of course. Ambitious practitioners can try for the more challenging "underhand" eye-gouge maneuver, in which the hammer is swung down behind the user and then back up, under the target's eye.
Do not be disappointed if the eye fails to exit its socket on your first try. The purpose of the attack is to blind and maim the subject; freeing the eye itself is merely a flourish of sorts. Another unrealistic expectation is hoping to see the eyeball burst. This rarely occurs, since the eyeball is very tough in construction. A claw hammer is recommended in this area.
“But a man can dream, can't he?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bursting someone's eye with a hammer
Ha ha ha! Yes indeed, Mr. Wilde. A man can dream.
[edit] Hammer Dos and Don'ts
Some tips to keep in mind while using a hammer.
DO:
| DON'T:
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[edit] Abusing the hammer
There are those who would abuse the noble, maiming power of the hammer for more mundane ends, i.e., home repair or basic construction. Why someone would want to waste the power of such a beautifully destructive weapon on something so banal is difficult to understand, but it persists nonetheless. Hammer connoisseurs, however, may take pleasure in the knowledge that those who misuse the hammer often hit their thumbs when trying to pound in a nail. For those who've never experienced this type of accident, it really, really, really hurts. A lot.
Hammers can also be abused in the sexual sense. Should you be found guilty of sexually abusing a hammer you may face up to 14 years in prison. Dirty buggers are often found hanging around playgrounds watching the hammers playing on the swings and slides, waiting for the time when they can strike. Should you notice anyone acting suspiciously like this please report it to your local neighborhood Chris Hansen.
[edit] The Life-Cycle of a Hammer
Contrary to popular belief, hammers are living things that deserve our love and respect, quite unlike those destined to receive its awesome destructive power.
The hammer's scientific name is Hammerius hitticus, which is obviously a bland and misguided attempt to write something hammer-related in a vaguely Latinate manner.
Hammers are the end result of the combination of many diverse genetic materials, mainly that of trees and metallic deposits. The mating cycle begins when two people get into a hammer fight. During the vicious ritual, the genetic material contained in the hammers' pistils and stamen (see illustration) are mixed together and then fall to the soil. These bits of DNA combine with the blood of the victims to form the seeds of new trees and veins of metal deep underground.
Once the trees and metals have formed, they are harvested by human workers. The genetic information is then spliced together in the glorious love shack that is a hammer factory. The end product is then shipped out to bloodthirsty, hammer-fighting maniacs around the world. Thus the Bloody Circle of Life is begun anew.
[edit] Notable Hammer-fighters
- Thor, Norse god of thunder. His favored hammer is a big, two-handed maul that might be mistaken for a sledgehammer, named "Mjollnir". Contrary to popular belief, Mjollnir is actually not Chuck Norris' penis, but he does have a similar tool for a penis. Thor's favorite tactic is chucking the hammer, which offers both great range and humour capability. In addition, he can call the hammer back as he wills. Truly one of the greatest hammer-fighters ever. Most people suspect it has something to do with him being a god, others just chalk it up to his immense prowess, coupled with his aim with a lightning bolt.
- Oscar Wilde, as previously mentioned, is one of the first and foremost hammer-fighters of our (or any) time. As was stated before, he prefers the eye-gouging tactic over simple smashing, although he is not proud, and will happily crush a victims skull with his hammer if need be. His hammer of choice, therefore, is a carpenter's hammer, for availability and practical eye-gouging, although he will not pass up a Lucerne hammer if he finds one.
- Super Mario is another notable hammer-fighter, not so much for his prowess with it (Mario infinitely prefers jumping, which doesn't have as much eye-gouging power, but is very effective at crushing) but for the notable way in which he fights with one. His method of combat consists of going up to the opponent in a quick hop, pulling out his wooden two-handed hammer, and swinging it either vertically or horizontally once (occasionally more directions or times) and then waiting while the enemy recoils in pain and then retaliates by biting or shooting lightning.
- Amy Rose, from the Sonic series of games, does use a hammer, but unfortunately, said hammer, the "Pikopiko Hammer" is a squeaky hammer, and therefore ineffective for either smashing or eye-gouging. Despite this, Amy has never lost a match. This may have something to do with the fact that she always has a boombox that blares her theme music while she fights, not to mention her stalker-like tenacity. Would you really want to fight something like that?
- Admins similarly enjoy the use of hammers in their day to day work. Their hammer tactics range from the toe-stub (called a "15 minute ban" by some, few know why) to a fearsome bloody swath in which any living thing in their path is brutally pulverized until only the smallest or most indestructible of the casualties' organs are left which is known as a "range block" (why anyone would find this move defensive is beyond the guesses of even our best linguists).
- Herman Li, uses a hammer in a completely different way. He is the master of hammering, thus he doesen't even need a hammer. He uses his own fingers as hammers, but insted of hitting his foe directly, he hits a complicated wooden-metal object that is capable of shooting out sonic waves (Also known as guitar). These sonic wave mean no harm, unless Herman Li uses them. He hammers so fast, that the sonic waves reach each other, creating a sonic boom, that can cause serious injures.
- ??? This could be you!
- NO, it couldn't!
- Yes, it could !
- O RLY?
- Yea RLY.
- NO WAY...
- YEA WAY !!!
- MC Hammer has been reccorded and thusly quoted in being able to not only fight with the skill and speed of a young Super Mario, but also that he can allegedly tell the time off the common hammer. Though he will only ever divulge this information as simply "hammer time." (N.B., the line "Stop, Hammer time" from MC Hammer's semi-autobiographical song; U Can't Touch This - is also the same said phrase used by the artist when engulphed by a Super Mario 64 - prevoked rage and thereby goes "postal."
[edit] Conclusion
The world of hammers is a rich and exciting place for the ultra-violent to explore. There are:
- Traditional hammers
- Warhammers
- Sledgehammers
- Mallets
- Hammerhead sharks
- Banhammers
- Jumbo novelty hammers
- Meat tenderizers
- Inflatable hammers won at carnivals (a.k.a. "the really crappy type")
There are also an almost infinite variety of hammer types, styles, attacks, and criminal statutes to immerse yourself in. And it is so easy to take part. Simply pick up a hammer and pound anything that moves. It's fun, educational, and a great way to test the limits of the self-defense clause. Happy hammering!
NOTE: The content of this article is in no way related to MC Hammer
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